Abandonment

A corollary to yesterday's entry is the effect and affect of abandonment in the Codependency cycle. The feelings of abandonment created by an alcoholic or addictive parent cause shame also; that the parent prefers their addiction to the child. The result is that the child becomes needy, and will do almost anything not to be abandoned, even suffer abuse. The fact that the child cannot remove theirself from the abuse, whether physical or psychological, leads to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. My synthesis is that because their identy and trust in theirself has been corrupted that they cannot depend on themselves and depend wholly on their environment for survival. Later, the problem lies in the denial of the feelings of abandonment. Until the individual, no matter what age, accepts the true feelings they felt about having been abandoned and alone, they will continue to act out in ways that express neediness, low self-worth, and a fear of being abandoned to take care of themselves.  They still believe they cannot take care of theirself. These feelings have to be experienced and released. They were repressed and avoided; they were never really felt yet. The repressed feelings are so many and so strong that the individual may be hypersensitive to everything and reacts to everything emotionally. In fact, the anxiety of the repressed feelings can actually block the ability to think rationally.  This book explains a lot for me!   All of this is something I'm now considering in writing my resume' and looking for a new occupation. Right now I'm writing the resume' just for me to see. I think there is still too much codependency in my view of myself; too much grandiosity and too much neediness. I'm slowly getting a more realistic picture, without the need to prove my worth or perfection. Plus I'm just now beginning to understand the neediness thing so that I do not look solely to what everyone else in my environment values, but to begin to search my feelings for what I value, and where I want to go to be of service.  Until now it's been more like being a victim and taking whatever was offered, as though I don't have a choice, that it is hopeless to expect to find something good that I would want to do.  Between the shame and abandonment behaviors, I have a lot to change. It's just amazing to me how much the codependency dysfunction affects so many parts of the life experience, and to realize just how pervasive it is in it's harm. Overall, the new knowledge has helped me be more aware of my thoughts and feelings; and they are changing for the better. Slowly. So things are getting better, although I still have to go through feeling all those feelings I avoided all those years. Based on what I know now, I have hope. I know that the work will be difficult and worth the effort in the end. Now to start doing the work and not just talking about it. Rich