Aarrgghh

Just hours after last journal my mum is driving me mad - reminding me of how I've failed, not done things as she would have them done, dissing family. Yesterday I put carrots in a pan with no lid, she came in turned them down put a lid on them and complained they weren't cooked - it was of course the lack of lid, not because she turned them down. I put two pieces of fish in the oven but because she couldn't see them had to open up to have alook. When I got offended and said it was obvious she didn't trust me to put two pieces of fish in, she says it isn't that it's only she couldn't see them. So what, clearly by checking she didn't think I was capable or to be trusted, when she says it's not that I await to find out what it is - no answer. The draining board had things in it, this needs to be cleared, she says when I've just done a load of cleaning, yes I haven't had a chance to get around to it, oh I wasn't saying you haven't been busy - so why are you telling me!!

I tried to talk about missing dad, went flat, I've tried talking about family,  doesn't seem interested. I've made conversation on various topics - no response. I know she's struggling, but she has really no other topic of conversation than food. I am trying desperately to get counselling, I've lost a lot - pretty much all my life has fallen away, and she sneers and says what good is that going to do you?? I have lost my marriage, my job, my home, my family, most of my friends, my community,my dad. I'm hurting with an intensity that is so bad. It's dreadful but the only thing I've got to look forward to is her passing, which she says she wants to do but not likely any time soon, sell up, give family some of the proceeds, and find very cheap accommodation to see out the rest of my days. New job is unlikely, reconciliation with family a fleeting dream, the pain cannot be described and it's all my fault