A year......

Jeff, in less than 14 days it will be a year. A year since we drove to the hospital for a procedure that was to make you feel better and give us our life back. But instead I left the hospital alone. And my life was forever changed. I was no longer a wife but a widow. I no longer had a purpose to make the an of my dreams happy. I had a hole not only in my heart but in my life.
The first minutes, hours and days seemed dark and never ending. The emptiness I felt seemed to take over and the tears seemed to flow without my even knowing.
After a few weeks and then a few months, I began to realize that this was my life now. The tears came but they were less often and less soul wrenching.
My days are still lonely and I see you all around me everyday.
But I have come to realize that I can love you. I can remember our short few years together. I can talk about you to my family and they remind me how much you loved me.
And I keep remembering the "what if" conversations we had. If one of us died, we both wanted the other one to find love again and not remain alone.
Of course we both agreed. Who would have ever have known I would have to keep my word.

I have so many mixed emotions. But as the year comes around I realize I am tired of doing this alone.
I can not replace you baby. But I know what I deserve after having you. And who knows, another ear from now I may still be by myself. But you have opened my heart to the possibilities.

I love you and miss you so much baby.
Love you most.