A Wreck

3 Days. 3 Days is all that's left between now and dooms day. The worst day of my life, a year ago. When those words were spoken, "There's no heartbeat." I just did the worst thing possible and looked at her baby box. A box thats suppose to be filled with a years worth of happy memories but instead is filled with sympathy cards, a newspaper with an obituary in it, a baby book (empty ofcourse), and tons of papers the hospital gave me about grieving. Why was I put here on this earth to carry this baby for 9 months, to have her grow and kick, to just die 2 weeks before her due date. Why? And then I hear stories on TV and in the newspaper, or from someone else about how a poor child is being abused, and I can't explain the frustration inside of me. I work with a man, let me rephrase a boy, ha, the most immature, spoiled person I think I have ever met in my life. I am 30 and he is 29, he had a baby with his wife (just as spoiled and immature as he is) 7 months prior to losing Addy. He would tell us stories about how his baby would cry just too much so he would leave his house, I wanted to smack him then and I was still pregnant with my little girl at that point. About a month ago his wife called him at work bawling because his one year old was being a brat. Really???? So last Monday he went around the building where I work telling everyone that she's pregnant again, She is due in Jan of 2014. I must be the worst person ever because I don't feel an inch of happiness for them. I am jealous and it breaks my heart. I feel like they don't deserve another baby right now. They act like children themselves and now they get 2 kids to raise. But who am I to judge them. I know I have no right, and I now feel guilty.
I know now for the past year what my life is like without her, I wish now I could go back and start over with her and see what that's like for a change. To go into labor in June of 2012, and have her, to see her eyes and hear her cry, to see her chest move up and down because she's actually breathing, to have her wrap her tiny hand around my finger. To kiss her feet and her little belly, to smell her little baby smells, To bring her home in in a cute tiny outfit I bought for her. To lay her in her crib and wrap her in all the warm blankets we bought. I would give anything for this chance. I miss her so much!!!