A WOW MOMENT

OKAY,  SO AT OR AROUND 5:15 THIS MORNING WHILE DREAMING A THOUGHT CAME TO MIND.  IT WAS SO POWERFUL IT WOKE ME UP.  I RESENT TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING, THAT I WASN'T HAPPY BEING THE ONE THAT HAS TO FIX THINGS. THAT THIS IS WHAT I'M SO VERY ANGRY ABOUT. THIS VERY WELL MAYBE WHY I"M SO DOWN. I KNOW THAT THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT I NEED TO TAKE ARE OF.  WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IS "BEING TOTALLY DRAINED", NOT GETTING THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT NEEDED TO KEEP UP SUCH A PERFORMANCE. THAT I WAS NOT BEING SATISFIED EMOTINALLY DOING THIS. I WAS MEETING OTHERS NEEDS AND NOT MINE... AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT, I CAN NOW SEE THAT, I TOOK THINGS OVER, I LET PEOPLE THINK THAT THIS IS WHAT I WANTED. THAT I REALLY PUT MYSELF IN THIS POSITION.  I DID SO THINKING THAT THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO GET OR DO TO BE LOVED, YOU TOOK CARE OF THINGS, YOU MADE IT SO YOU WERE NEEDED,(or so you thought). MY MARRIAGE OF 14 1/2 YEARS MAINLY CONSISTED ON ME REPAIRING  OR FIXING ANY AND ALL PROBLEMS, MONEY, HIS BAD CREDIT, MOVING PLANS WHICH HAPPENED 14 TIMES IN 1O YEARS , TAKING CARE OF STEP CHILDREN, HIS EMOTIONAL FEEDING WHICH WERE MANY,DEALING WITH HIS DRINKING AND THE PROBLEMS IT CAUSED.  I'M SURE MOST OF YOU UNDERSTAND.  WELL THAT ENDED IN 2005, I REALLY FELT BETTER, BUT I STILL HAD A LOT OF ISSUES THAT  MY X  WAS DROPPING THE BALL ON (which was probadly out of habit as he knows i would fix it)   THERE WAS A BREIF FLEETING MOMENT OF ALMOST SANITY. BUT IT DIDN'T LAST LONG. I FOUND SOMEONE NEW TO HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF, "MY MOM" SHE BECAME VERY SICK IN OCT 2006. AGAIN, I PUT MYSELF IN CHARGE OF FIXING THINGS, TAKING CARE OF DR STUFF, TAKING CARE OF HER HOUSE, MIND YOU SHE NEVER ASKED ME TO DO THIS STUFF. IT JUST KINDA OF HAPPENED, I DID ASK FOR MY SIBLINGS HELP, BUT ACCORDING TO HER AND THEM THAT, THEY WORKED, I DIDN'T, SO IT JUST MADE SENSE THAT I  DO IT. AND OF COURSE I DID. WELL IT TOOK A YEAR BEFORE I HAD, HAD ENOUGH. I ASKED AND TOLD BOTH MY MOM AND SIBLING THAT I REALLY COULDN'T DO IT ANY MORE. WHICH FELL ON DEAF EARS, WHY SHOULD THEY STEP UP WHEN THEY KNEW I WOULD.  I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT MYSELF IN THAT POSITION, ALAS MY IGNORAGNCE.   WHEN I DID STEP BACK AND TELL MOM THAT I HAD ENOUGH THAT I COULDN'T DO IT BY MYSELF, THAT SHE NEEDED TO HAVE THE OTHERS  HELP, SHE DIDN'T SEE THAT I REALLYWASN'T HANDLING THINGS.   I EXPECTED BOTH HER AND MY X  TO SEE THAT I WAS  FALLING APART. THAT I WAS ACTUALLY DESTROYING MYSELF, AND SUFFERING FROM MY OWN DOING. I REALLY WANTED THEM TO  DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIX ME !!! BUT AGAIN BY MY OWN DOING, THEY NEVER LEARNED HOW, I NEVER LET THEM TAKE CARE OF ME, NOT REALLY, BECAUSE IF THEY HAD TO TAKE CARE OF ME THAT MEANT I FAILED, AND THAT I WOULDN'T BE WORTHY OF BEING  LOVE, THAT I HADN'T EARNED IT.   I HONESTLY FEEL THAT IF I USE THIS REALIZATION AND KNOWLEDGE TO MY BENIFIT, THAT I CAN AND WILL IMPROVE MY QUALITY OF LIFE. I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.  I HOPE THAT I NEVER ALLOW MYSLEF TO HAVE THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP AGIAN.  TO KNOW THAT I AM AND WILLED BE LOVED FOR WHO I AM AND NOT WHAT I DO. I'M CRYING AND CRYING. NOT SURE IF IT'S BECAUSE, I FEEL ENLIGHTENED OR WHAT. BUT I DO FEEL LIKE I'VE KNOCK SOME OF THE WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS. THANKS FOR READING.... DIANA