A week and a day...
It's a day now until my birthday, which means the year is nearly up, July 31st draws nigh, the time ticks away inexorably to that day, that morning, that hour, that fateful, hurtful, devastating minute that changed everything. Last time I wrote here I was doing better, not perfect, there were still the usual bumpy days but I at least felt like I was trending upward. Now I feel like I'm backsliding, losing ground and falling apart again.
I can't seem to NOT think about this time last year, remembering, perhaps mourning those last few days of innocence or at least ignorance of the impending desolation from their lies, emotional manipulations and betrayal. The thoughts, the memories are oppressing, obsessing me, chasing around and around in my psyche with heavy, razor-bladed boots bruising and slicing up my hard-won progress. I'm beginning to dread each new day now, with the 31st hovering out there like the Sword of Damocles. I plan on asking someone to be there that morning with me because I don't completely trust myself to be alone for it. There's something too symmetrically perfect about it, an ominous full circle, and it's possible the third time might be the charm.
I know, what? I didn't mention it on here. Embarrassed maybe. Or not wanting to make them seem more real, to give them the weight of the written word as if by not talking about what happened it would unmake it. But then I thought, what if writing it so someone else going through the same temptation could read it and know that they're not alone? That it's possible to be within a step or two of the abyss and still manage to put down the bloodied knife and just back away. Even if you're tempted, even if you start, you don't have to finish. Just hold on, keep breathing. Talk to someone, preferably by actual voice even if it's not in person, voice is just more powerful than words on a screen.
I have another reason for stress currently, though it at least will be resolved within the next day or two, for good or for ill. My cat, Tux (the one in my account picture) had a growth removed from his ear on Monday and the results should be back from the pathologist on Thursday, though possibly not until Friday. Good news would be a really nice sort of present, you listening to me world? :p
I can't seem to NOT think about this time last year, remembering, perhaps mourning those last few days of innocence or at least ignorance of the impending desolation from their lies, emotional manipulations and betrayal. The thoughts, the memories are oppressing, obsessing me, chasing around and around in my psyche with heavy, razor-bladed boots bruising and slicing up my hard-won progress. I'm beginning to dread each new day now, with the 31st hovering out there like the Sword of Damocles. I plan on asking someone to be there that morning with me because I don't completely trust myself to be alone for it. There's something too symmetrically perfect about it, an ominous full circle, and it's possible the third time might be the charm.
I know, what? I didn't mention it on here. Embarrassed maybe. Or not wanting to make them seem more real, to give them the weight of the written word as if by not talking about what happened it would unmake it. But then I thought, what if writing it so someone else going through the same temptation could read it and know that they're not alone? That it's possible to be within a step or two of the abyss and still manage to put down the bloodied knife and just back away. Even if you're tempted, even if you start, you don't have to finish. Just hold on, keep breathing. Talk to someone, preferably by actual voice even if it's not in person, voice is just more powerful than words on a screen.
I have another reason for stress currently, though it at least will be resolved within the next day or two, for good or for ill. My cat, Tux (the one in my account picture) had a growth removed from his ear on Monday and the results should be back from the pathologist on Thursday, though possibly not until Friday. Good news would be a really nice sort of present, you listening to me world? :p
Replies
Just to follow up, so that anyone that might be reading my journal isn\'t left hanging and wondering...
Tux is fine. He did indeed have cancer but it was benign and, better yet, they got all of it when they removed the growth.
To differentiate my birthday this year from last year I basically had a week-long party with various stops along the way. Some people couldn\'t make the actual day so I added things until everyone locally could make at least one thing. I closed out the week with a Girls Night where we adored the cat, watched a chick flick with Hugh Jackman in it so we could all drool and be silly over him, ate too much really good food, and just generally dwelt in the moment of having fun with friends.