A wasted chance that I'd been given

I'm so crapped out tired of myself. I don't understand how I'm still so selfish. I remember when my daughter was born and I was doing good. I had time on my belt. The most I've been sober since starting this addiction.  But I gave into some pain and anger and let my guard down. I didn't even take the extra time to think about the decision that I was about to make, I just did it. I don't even remember if the high was worth it or not. I know the father wants me to fail. He wants me to lose my parental rights with her. I'm not wanting to give that asshole jerk what he wants. But then again, I'm not willing to play that fair game. Like all addicts, we steal, we lie and we cheat just to get what we want. It's the drug we do those things for not necessarily anything else. So why am I lying to everyone who is twisted in my spider web that I've created.. why am I cheating at the most important parts of my web. I've almost been caught a few times already as it is. If I seriously get caught then whom ever catches me will get the Raid out, spray and dismantle my whole web as they also take me dawn with it. Meaning that it, I've lost my privileges, my rights and my daughter. So what the frapaccino is a matter with me. Why the fuck can't I get sober again. I'm tired of my shit. I've gotten to be so pathetic. I'm growing up to be just like my own mom. This is the worst pain I ever felt.       That's why I still get high. That's why I'm not able to stop. Cause the pain is just too much for me to deal with. I've been dealing with my emotions the same exact way for 5 years and I don't know a thing about how to deal with my coping skills. I want my daughter. How much more am I suppose to keep making the wrong decisions.