A Therapist
I saw a therapist last night. It was supposed to be for us to go so that we could have marriage counseling. But since he asked for the divorce, I figure no reconciliation is in sight for me. So I went alone.
Now I realize that it was only me there, so I am sure my side of how things were in our marriage was skewed. But he did help me to realize a few things: I do not allow myself to feel anger. (Over this, yes, but in general, no.) I hold my tongue to keep peace. This is how we dealt with anger in my family, and I thought we all got along pretty well. We still all love each other. I can't remember any huge difficulties.
I am now scared, because I am pretty sure this is how I taught my kids to deal with anger. And now I want to change it before it's too late. I think I was afraid they would have their dad's temper.
My husband, on the other hand, was angry all of the time. Anything would set him off. If a pen ran out of ink while he was using it, the ranting and raving and curse words would begin. He didn't necessarily get mad directly at us, but if he got home and the dishwasher wasn't empty, that was a cause for a tantrum. If a laundry basket hadn't made it upstairs, that was cause for a tantrum. (I work full-time too and always have.)It was seemingly little things, but he seemed angry all of the time, and I was constantly soothing him to make him feel better.
And then he would feel better. and he'd be the funniest, most delightful father and husband you could imagine.
My therapist asked me if I wasn't just a little relieved to be rid of him. But honestly? Not yet. I am trying to let go, because obviously the man I loved has forsaken me, but I'm not there yet.
My therapist also asked me my interests. What is sad, is that outside my family, I really have no interests. (And I have no money to indulge in anything that would cost money.) He asked me if I liked the theater? Yes, I do , but we never went. He asked me if I liked concerts. Yes but we could never afford to go.
The scariest thought that I had as I sat in that office was that I was a shell of a woman, and not a woman. I have spent my whole married life making sure his life runs smoothly, that the kids are looked after and happy, while I worked full-time as a teacher (a job he never asked me about. It wasn't interesting or as important as his, even though I worked steadily for all of our married years and provided the health benefits for all 25 of them.) I always rushed home from work because that was more time to spend with the kids and make sure we could give him his "de-compression" time when he got home.
Well, my kids are old enough now that they can deal without me for a few hours, but what do I do? I don't even know what I like anymore. I know exercise is free. But I hate it. Will doing something I hate make me feel better and turn me into a real live woman again? I used to love to read, but that won't help me meet people.
I need advice. What do others do for fun?
Also, how do you meet other divorced people? You know your married friends are all going to dwindle away.
I have looked for divorce support groups through churches and in the local papers, but either everyone in my area upholds the sanctity of marriage, or there are just no groups to be found.
So if anyone reads this and has any good ideas, I be happy for some advice.
Now I realize that it was only me there, so I am sure my side of how things were in our marriage was skewed. But he did help me to realize a few things: I do not allow myself to feel anger. (Over this, yes, but in general, no.) I hold my tongue to keep peace. This is how we dealt with anger in my family, and I thought we all got along pretty well. We still all love each other. I can't remember any huge difficulties.
I am now scared, because I am pretty sure this is how I taught my kids to deal with anger. And now I want to change it before it's too late. I think I was afraid they would have their dad's temper.
My husband, on the other hand, was angry all of the time. Anything would set him off. If a pen ran out of ink while he was using it, the ranting and raving and curse words would begin. He didn't necessarily get mad directly at us, but if he got home and the dishwasher wasn't empty, that was a cause for a tantrum. If a laundry basket hadn't made it upstairs, that was cause for a tantrum. (I work full-time too and always have.)It was seemingly little things, but he seemed angry all of the time, and I was constantly soothing him to make him feel better.
And then he would feel better. and he'd be the funniest, most delightful father and husband you could imagine.
My therapist asked me if I wasn't just a little relieved to be rid of him. But honestly? Not yet. I am trying to let go, because obviously the man I loved has forsaken me, but I'm not there yet.
My therapist also asked me my interests. What is sad, is that outside my family, I really have no interests. (And I have no money to indulge in anything that would cost money.) He asked me if I liked the theater? Yes, I do , but we never went. He asked me if I liked concerts. Yes but we could never afford to go.
The scariest thought that I had as I sat in that office was that I was a shell of a woman, and not a woman. I have spent my whole married life making sure his life runs smoothly, that the kids are looked after and happy, while I worked full-time as a teacher (a job he never asked me about. It wasn't interesting or as important as his, even though I worked steadily for all of our married years and provided the health benefits for all 25 of them.) I always rushed home from work because that was more time to spend with the kids and make sure we could give him his "de-compression" time when he got home.
Well, my kids are old enough now that they can deal without me for a few hours, but what do I do? I don't even know what I like anymore. I know exercise is free. But I hate it. Will doing something I hate make me feel better and turn me into a real live woman again? I used to love to read, but that won't help me meet people.
I need advice. What do others do for fun?
Also, how do you meet other divorced people? You know your married friends are all going to dwindle away.
I have looked for divorce support groups through churches and in the local papers, but either everyone in my area upholds the sanctity of marriage, or there are just no groups to be found.
So if anyone reads this and has any good ideas, I be happy for some advice.
Replies
You sound like me in my first marriage. I was married to the father of my children for 20 years. He would get mad at nothing and I learned to hold my tongue to avoid his outbursts. By the time I left that marriage, I was a shell of a woman too. It took everything I had left in me (which wasn\'t much) to get out of that marriage. By then I was ready and I NEVER looked back. It was hard because we had kids together but I honestly feel it was the best thing I could have done for my children. They now know why we divorced because He is still the same moody man he was while we were married. I gave them a safe, secure place to live and thrive. He still has his outbursts but he realizes that he is all alone and I believe he knows why, so when he acts up, he now can apologize to the kids, which is a huge improvement on his end. I\'m just glad I don\'t have to deal with it, whoohooo!!!!
I have joined a couple of Meet up groups and have met some really nice people in them. I like that while we are all single, it isn\'t a dating site so there is no pressure and I don\'t worry about them coming on to me (hey, maybe they wouldn\'t have anyway, lol) it\'s so fun to get out and socialize with people. I usually limit myself to the free outings they participate in. I can\'t afford to do everything they do, wish I could. I also am fine being home too. My kids are older too so not around much.
The reason I am on this site is because my second husband left me in Feb. That one about killed me but here I am, still plugging along, doing the best I can. I will say the busier you keep yourself, the better off you\'ll be. I found that the times I was alone gave me too much thinking time, which can be devastating so try and stay busy, even if it is just reading a book, or taking a good long soak in the tub with candles and music going. I\'m a talker, so even getting out to the store or the mall, I find people to talk to, just being around people is helpful so that is just a few things I did early on. Also, look at free classes offered by your health department, or other agencies that you can take. Not sure of your age, but you could even consider taking a class here or there at your community college.
Sorry to be long winded.....like I said earlier, I\'m a talker!!!!! I hope you\'re doing good, it\'s a hard time for sure.
Welcome to Daily Strength. The meet-up groups, which were referred to in the previous comment, are organized on meetup.com, Depending on where you live, it is a pretty good way to discover some interests and like-minded people. A lot of places have a chapter of Parents Without Partners. It is a good place to find help and companionship. If you really like to stay busy, get in touch with a coordinator of volunteers in your town. They will be able to suggest plenty of ways to be helpful.
I like spending free time at the local library. It actually saves a lot of money that I formerly spent on media, and provides me with fresh input and experience to boot. I\'m glad that you have access to counseling. It was really helpful to me in my first divorce. If you don\'t already have one, find a decent lawyer -- one who will seek justice rather than vengeance. Your ex doesn\'t seem like the Dudley Do-right type, and you might need the law to remind him of his responsibilities.
Volunteer work is free....may cost a little gas to get there...but it feels good to help someone else