Making a life for myself, I think I am finding my path

When I got out of college my life exploded to a great size

socially. It was way too much. There was nothing left for myself if that makes sense.

I felt shocked by it all.

I needed a small life socially. As I learned the details of charting my own

path and living my life 'self sustainingly' - I was 'half developed' - I was stunted

psychologically - I saw a therapist yet she was not a very good one - and only put band aids

on issues which really needed to be addressed. This is seeing that relationship in hindsight. I see it

now - did not see it then.

I worked for a major corporation in Los Angeles. It was a grey mouse life - Working in a cubicle

and doing my repetitive work with new projects here and there.

The pay was great though - when I became more sick - corporate life started to feel dangerous. The stealing

of my projects 

and backstabbing by certain coworkers and a nihilistic boss -who managed stuff by saying

'that's between you and them' - my immaturity was just fueled back then to react

and not feel grounded about any of it - though that being said 

- It was a good life financially for me before all that

drama started to erupt -- and I saved a lot

and invested a lot until life, and the fact that I was living single, it seemed to be passing me

by. I struggled with commitment to others and myself and the job I had -

I was kind of out of control in a lot of ways - emotionally -because of my condition

- I just wanted a small world - a small apartment - that I could maintain

to the standard that I liked and could be proud of, feel good about and liked. 

I don't know if I understood the sentiment of pride back then. I was really

that underwater.

Though when I imagined a home for myself. I imagined a small manageable space to livein.

The place had to be kept clean - and have the luxuries, though because it was small, were

really affordable for me to have. Call it a fine shoe that I treated to a good shoe shine

and the best polish. With a small space, I knew, even though I didn't earn all that much,

i could still afford to keep it up really well.  Call it the artist in me! My home was my

work of art. It was a one bedroom apartment but it was dazzlnig to me! :)

I had a small life - I went to work and came home. Saved money strictly -

My first bill though was to my savings no matter how big or small.

And I started to collected craft art, furniture and art that I knew would grow in value

rather than be an empty money financial pit. I knew if I had to sell things - these pieces

would all bring some income - which they eventually did afte when I moved to a board and care

and had to consign them all.

All this prudence though had me missing life 'out there' - and I yearned for getting

a taste of it - how was everyone else living?

Why do I look out the window by my cubicle wondering how people were out there in life

living and enjoying it?!

I got very mixed up - and I got very sick - and my inclination to control my life and my world

went out the window to the opposite side of the spectrum - I lived large and was hyper sexual

and I got very very sick....psychotic is understating.

This took a lot out of me to write that to you guys.

Back then there were elements of life that didn't click with me - I had no sense of doing things

outside of a form to fill with my grey mouse job and routine around the apartment.

. A deriguer from my family's culture and pressure rather than a metabolized sense

of survival, personal development and idea of who and what I was in the world.

Now after years of this condition and the growth to know the meaning of survival and self responsibility

I find myself knowing myself so well now.

Observing myself now, there is an aspect to me that is so much about controling the life I am leading and doing what is

right for me! Right for me in the sense that I am living a life that I can sustain and take care of.

I am not as much living in that vainglorious world of art and fine design - but I won't

even denegrate that - I just was undeveloped, ungrounded and stunted and a ticking time bomb which eventually went BOOM!

Now after writing on here this site for over a decade and doing the hard work of trying to understand life, my life as well,

being self responsible,

I find I have the same conservative proclivity or inclination to try and save and own the independence of my life.

That is a matter of pride -and it's understood :) to me -  being self sufficient, self self responsible, loving toward my family and friends, giving,

but also not weighing down the boat of life for them with my personal financially meager existence. I do live a very

limited financial life now- but it's mine! :) I feel pride and earnestness to live within my means and

save for an unknown future that I will provide for myself by really preparing best i can. Like I did once

before - but now I am doing it with much more fortification mentally, and historically, and without

the childlike fantasy of those fancy things in life that aren't essential and are nice but the underlying

level of things is to survive and the respect that we each are doing that.

I find myself here today at the monastery- living within my means - and I am now reconnecting with

that sense of flow that I had at that corporate job a long time ago...doing my work and coming back home (to my cell).

I realized today that I am just being me - in the best way that I can - that is right for me.

I do like a small world. I do like small efficient spaces. Call it control freakish - but I just know

I feel the quiet sense of confidence about my choice- about my work here and my life up in my cell

with Blue. All of you guys and offline friends and family too. I think my condition has made me so 

inclined to live with the expectation of linear qualities to my life - as in I need to be living for socially

iconic or fiscally status type things. But I realize though their very nice - they are grounded now for me

in the sense that they are applied to my individual life - I don't need them so much as I need

to achieve the basics - so you can say that in contrast to the status

symbols I also need to live in a way that is

right for me. Call it modest ambition (but I won't) it's just what's right for me- this is how I live in 

a way that I can manage in the way that keeps me happy and that I like.

It feels right. No judgements. There's a sense of satisfaction about where I am.

I will go forward and save as much as I can - 

I will also spend some on the people who are important to me (myself and Blue included.)

And I know there will always be an leaning towards excess

and or utter frugality at times. I'll have moments of faltering but

I've learned what all that hyper spending and hyper sexuality did to me at a time in my life.

Now I am working in a circle of behavior that is much more wisened.

Good judgement comes from experience, Experience comes from bad judgement.

I find myself on path now, making a life for myself and feeling ok with it.

I feel like I see myself in the scheme of life amongst many different types of lives

and statuses yet one foot for me is kept in the realm of humanitarian thinking.

I have a voice just as good as any 

and know that doing right by myself and living a good life is worthy

and deserving of pride and regard.