A Small Change, Big Results!
So I was cleaning out files from my phone and I ran into one I hadn’t read in a while. It was notes I entered while reading Fritz Perls’ book on Gestalt principles, and it has made a big impact today. The last few days were pretty anxious and uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. I cleaned out two years’ worth of affirmations and reminders from my calendar too. To be honest, I was feeling depressed. Then I remembered “I can’t predict the future”, so I calmed myself down; and read my notes.
In them was an amazing discovery that I had not seen then as I do now. I really needed this too. I’ve been talking about approval-seeking and dependency, and introversion and shyness, as reasons for why I was so afraid socially for who I was. I seems that is only an indirect part of the problem and the reason I have a habit for approval-seeking. It’s not for me, who I am, at least not directly, and not my behavior, and it’s not to give satisfaction to the approver.
What I found out is that “we are our feelings, they make us who we are, who I am. I haven’t been seeking approval for who I am, as a person, I have been seeking approval of my FEELINGS! THAT is a BIG difference in feeling. What I learned from rereading my notes is that I was taught not to trust my feelings, that I needed to have the “correct” feelings, that I couldn’t trust mine. This causes a tremendous conflict in any individual. I can’t trust myself, I must be dependent on someone “outside of my Self” to tell what feelings to feel, To me, this is the correct definition of dependency and codependency. It is the dependence on someone else for one’s feelings. It explains why we constantly “worry” about everyone else’s moods and feelings. We depend on them to tell us how we are feeling; WE don’t know how to feel, we don’t know how to feel our own genuine feelings.
The guilt and anger and resentment and fear we have has always been because of the natural reflex created when we were not allowed to express our feelings and were taught to repress them. Repressing our feelings, being made to deny our feelings and repress them, hurt us terribly, made us angry, and infuriated us; without a way to express ourselves. And the resentment comes from having to repress our true nature, how we really feel, or we’ll be punished; for being who we really are. It is the worst kind of invalidation. Our feelings are who we are, and we were taught to not respect our very selves. Our feelings are what tell us who we are, and we were taught to not trust who we are; so we eternally look for who we are through others.
So now, and gently, we need to stop lying about our feelings; to ourselves and others. The healing comes when we begin to express our feelings, what we’re really feeling, without checking with anyone for approval of what we are genuinely feeling in our own bodies. To stop protecting everyone else’s feelings and looking to them for correct feelings and behaviors. The main thing is to learn to express our feelings, honestly. Even if they are “wrong” to others. They deserve to know what we really like and don’t like. They need to know when we really hurt. No more of this “Well, you shouldn’t feel that way” bull-shit.
I need to become more honest with how I feel, especially with myself. All this time I’ve been in horrible conflict and pain over trying to remember which feelings are the right feelings to have in any situation. No wonder my feelings have been my least developed sense! No wonder I was embarrassed so often, first I had to suppress and repress my own feelings, then try to come up with a “correct” feeling each time to replace the feelings I was repressing and trying to change. I was taught to fake myself out, to be unreal.
I have to admit, it feels much more relieving to know most of my anxieties were about getting approval for my feelings, and all I have to do is start being HONEST in EXPRESSING what I am feeling. That it is my right, and it shows respect for myself, and my boundaries. It may take a while to develop the new practice, but it’s worth it. I don’t feel as frustrated today as I have been in the past. I’ve been seeking approval for my own feelings, nothing else. And all I have to do is stop looking for approval from anyone one and pay attention to what I am really feeling instead. That’s why I have had trust issues in the past, that’s why I didn’t trust myself. Hopefully, this news will bring all the pain to a halt.
We’ll see how accurate it really is. I’m looking forward to feeling better.
In them was an amazing discovery that I had not seen then as I do now. I really needed this too. I’ve been talking about approval-seeking and dependency, and introversion and shyness, as reasons for why I was so afraid socially for who I was. I seems that is only an indirect part of the problem and the reason I have a habit for approval-seeking. It’s not for me, who I am, at least not directly, and not my behavior, and it’s not to give satisfaction to the approver.
What I found out is that “we are our feelings, they make us who we are, who I am. I haven’t been seeking approval for who I am, as a person, I have been seeking approval of my FEELINGS! THAT is a BIG difference in feeling. What I learned from rereading my notes is that I was taught not to trust my feelings, that I needed to have the “correct” feelings, that I couldn’t trust mine. This causes a tremendous conflict in any individual. I can’t trust myself, I must be dependent on someone “outside of my Self” to tell what feelings to feel, To me, this is the correct definition of dependency and codependency. It is the dependence on someone else for one’s feelings. It explains why we constantly “worry” about everyone else’s moods and feelings. We depend on them to tell us how we are feeling; WE don’t know how to feel, we don’t know how to feel our own genuine feelings.
The guilt and anger and resentment and fear we have has always been because of the natural reflex created when we were not allowed to express our feelings and were taught to repress them. Repressing our feelings, being made to deny our feelings and repress them, hurt us terribly, made us angry, and infuriated us; without a way to express ourselves. And the resentment comes from having to repress our true nature, how we really feel, or we’ll be punished; for being who we really are. It is the worst kind of invalidation. Our feelings are who we are, and we were taught to not respect our very selves. Our feelings are what tell us who we are, and we were taught to not trust who we are; so we eternally look for who we are through others.
So now, and gently, we need to stop lying about our feelings; to ourselves and others. The healing comes when we begin to express our feelings, what we’re really feeling, without checking with anyone for approval of what we are genuinely feeling in our own bodies. To stop protecting everyone else’s feelings and looking to them for correct feelings and behaviors. The main thing is to learn to express our feelings, honestly. Even if they are “wrong” to others. They deserve to know what we really like and don’t like. They need to know when we really hurt. No more of this “Well, you shouldn’t feel that way” bull-shit.
I need to become more honest with how I feel, especially with myself. All this time I’ve been in horrible conflict and pain over trying to remember which feelings are the right feelings to have in any situation. No wonder my feelings have been my least developed sense! No wonder I was embarrassed so often, first I had to suppress and repress my own feelings, then try to come up with a “correct” feeling each time to replace the feelings I was repressing and trying to change. I was taught to fake myself out, to be unreal.
I have to admit, it feels much more relieving to know most of my anxieties were about getting approval for my feelings, and all I have to do is start being HONEST in EXPRESSING what I am feeling. That it is my right, and it shows respect for myself, and my boundaries. It may take a while to develop the new practice, but it’s worth it. I don’t feel as frustrated today as I have been in the past. I’ve been seeking approval for my own feelings, nothing else. And all I have to do is stop looking for approval from anyone one and pay attention to what I am really feeling instead. That’s why I have had trust issues in the past, that’s why I didn’t trust myself. Hopefully, this news will bring all the pain to a halt.
We’ll see how accurate it really is. I’m looking forward to feeling better.
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