a sleepy day in georgia

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please be with us this day and in the days ahead.......providing strength and compassion, guidance and understanding to each other, for each other.  It's hard sometimes........we don't all believe the same way, but we are united in friendship.  Love thy neighbor, let us do that openly and gladly cause if anybody around here knows that we need others it's the wonderful people I've met here.

I think we all need a party to celebrate spring!!!!!!!!!!  Put on light bright colors that swing in the breeze........feel ourselves blooming just like the blossoms all over my yard. 

See, God helped me do chores this morning and it was beyond the last thing that I wanted to do.  When it comes to chores I find it hard, I procrastinate, ignore, decline, diddly do around........trying to find ways to not have to be in charge.  But then I get a bunch of stuff done and despite the physical toll I feel alivier.........new word alivier!  dumb sure, but sometimes i feel so cut off from anything muscular, than i straighten, tidy, clean and as my home stands up taller I find that I do too.

We've had rain overnight so the world looks very very damp indeed.  Everything is turning green, fresh baby oak leaves, sweet tiny  buds on the many pines........rose buds, iris buds......tulips about to bloom.  It's a pretty world if you seek beauty. 

The dental bridge in my mouth (upper right side) is broken somehow or other.  Tomorrow I go to the dentist to see what has to take place.  I figure that it will either be a repair the dentist can make in house or it will have to go to a lab for repairs.  Not sure, if it goes to the lab I should shed some pounds as I'll be very limited in what I can eat.........reality check, what I can drink!!!!

I'm grateful that this new dentist will take me on as I am since the bad scary dentist disappeared and left me with sketchy work.  I only owe a few more hundred dollars on that big dental bill, but it sure didn't last, I was told a bridge like that lasts as long as a decade.  This one got wobbly and wonky very FAST!  Hiss Boo to the Naughty Dentist who installed it.

Sigh, regroup, Sam, the biggest helper of life has gotten good news on one of my problems, he's gotten it sorted and it should all be handled very soon.  That isn't the end, there are still a couple of hurdles to cross, but this one was a big one and he did a great job!  Kudos to Sam!

I will have to start going out to find applications for senior places.  We turned in one application with a two year waiting period, at some point down the road I'll sell Sparrow Cottage, but not today.  Not for awhile.  Sam asked Sara to seek places for Mom so we'll figure this out together.

We had a grand time last Monday at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens!  Truly lovely!  Sara enjoyed her gifts and the garden was wonderful........pretty, flowery.........highly enjoyable. When we were in the Children's Garden we were invited to try tasting tulip petals......so Derian and I did.  At first it tasted like baby peas, then like an odd quirky lettuce, but then after a bit the funk grew stronger, I dug into my bag and saved us with mints........phew!  I am not gonna eat tulip petals again as in Ever!  It's not terrible but it wasn't yummy either.  I suppose if I were shipwrecked on Tulip Island I would learn to love em and hush, but until then I don't gotta!

I took my new friend Debra to her doctor appointment on Wednesday.  Because my bridge is messed up I called her that morning to say put the steaks back in the freezer.  I was soooooo looking forward to that steak dinner!  Doggone it anyway........after her appointment we went to eat......we had chicken, it was very good.  This restaurant is renowned for their incredibly tender chicken fingers.....and they did not disappoint.  After that we did a few errands at Wal mart followed by a chat and a cup of tea back at her home.  Then she said she didn't want to do anything on Thursday or Friday.  Followed by how she didn't want to do anything Saturday or Sunday either.  I said if you change your mind and just want to get out for a drive give me a call.......and left it at that.

She didn't say why.......but she made it clear she didn't want to do anything with me the rest of this week.  She's not feeling great, but I'm feeling uncertain.  Why?  Well she had told me that in return for my driving she wanted to buy my meals......I've struggled with that.  One other time I asked her to let me pay my half.........and  this time I did that too.  I'm afraid in my own dopey way I've made her feel less maybe.  I should just accept the way she wants to repay my kindness for driving..........it's hard cause I know she's struggling.  Oh man.........have I lost my ability to be a good friend?  I feel awkward here.......I really do.  I don't read people very well.......I've been more of a housebound girl than an outbound girl and I feel I've become awkward out there.  I don't know, I just don't know.

If I had her e-mail address I'd write her a note.....maybe I'll go old school and write her a short letter?  I hate sounding so dopey, but jeez.........I asked her if she liked her doctor.........she gave me this look.  A hard look ........and then she defended this doctor.  I'm so slow, all I was thinking is that I drive 45 min-to an hour to my doc for regular appts and this doctor is located super close to my home, about ten minutes.  But I didn't say that out loud, I was "thinking it in my head".......was my tone bossy?  I was really just interested .....but then again she isn't feeling well.........so maybe everything is ok and I'm just dealing with my own inbound sick insecurities and I need to work on that.  I don't converse the same way as I used to, I am a brain foggy talker, so I leave a lot of what I mean to say or want to say or think OUT of what I actually say.  Sigh.........sigh, sigh.  just pray Ruthie.....pray and work on gaining confidence. 

Lord help me become less dorky and less critical, help me be a good friend, help me gain insights and awareness of myself and others......help me fit in and go with the flow.........Please Lord, in your name, Amen.

P.S. a short while after writing this journal i got out of my head and decided to fly right.......called Debra to check on her......as she is taking new meds in addition to taking a round of antibiotics for this bug she hasn't been able to shake.  bug meets pollen meets the creeping crud.......we had a nice chat and made a plan to go to a festival at the end of the month.

so......i'm an idiot, at least my overthinking brain is an idiot.......i used to be such a confident girl for such a very long time......she's still in there, just rusty and hurt from all the loss during the transition from working girl to disabled nolonger working girl.........the subsequent years found me getting dustier and dustier.  making a baked potato for dinner.......not much of an appetite in general and hard to eat anything cause of my bum mouth.  hang in there. thanks for being such a good pal!