A Simple Day

Today would be my 10th wedding anniversary.  She was preparing for a weekend away for work.  I slept in which I never do. Had a day off.  Rare for me.

It's been such a busy year.  I had some down time.  I set a large stack of books next to the window.  It's been rainy and foggy for days here.  I read two pages and fell asleep listening to the rainfall.

I woke up in time to head to an AA meeting.  Every time I do, I feel weird when I first come in.  Then people get to talking about life and recovery and I feel okay.

I'm learning that it's okay to say the word "no".  And that I don't have to cram every spare minute with things to do.

I was going to head home after the meeting, (she was gone by then), and await the kids return from school.  Instead I texted a friend and we went to lunch.  It was a great little restaurant that I passed dozens of time for years yet never stopped.  The food and conversation were great. 

Talking to him, going to meetings, and just getting out of my shell is helping me realize that all of us are struggling.  For a long time I couldn't see that.  I was only dialed into my own depression and pain and nothing else.  Now it gives me hope to see that others don't have it all figured out, but they're showing up, being honest and sober.  They keep showing up.

After lunch, I was inclined to head home again, start emailing people, or some busy nonsense.  It's Friday afternoon.  Not sure what I was hoping to accomplish.

Instead my friend wanted to go to a pet shop.  'That's strange', I thought.  But just went along.

It was so simple and I enjoyed it way more than I knew.  Couldn't remember the last time I was in a pet store.  These fluffy hamsters reminded me of the one I used to have as a kid.  The bright parakeets reminded me of a neighborhood woman from childhood who had a pet bird just like it.  She was always kind.

I walked slowly through the aquarium display to watch the fish with bright tropical colors.  Lives in all shapes and forms, floating, swimming, and moving about.  Life is such a mystery to me.

I am thinking about getting a hamster for my little girl.  The other day she caught a grasshopper and she doesn't want to set it free. She was so heartbroken at the thought of doing it.  So we made a little home with grass and water.  Every day she takes it out for a walk.

She has a big heart, that little girl.  She would probably enjoy a hamster very much.  I would too.

That was all.  Another day started, thinking it would turn one way, instead it goes another.

I'm making a big life change to stay sober and slow down.  It's not easy.  Some days its hard knowing people don't understand what I've been through, or what I'm trying to become: a better human being.  It's hard to say "no", when for years I was the ultimate people pleaser.

They keep saying that change takes time.  I do know that I am better now than one year ago.  It's a challenging step.  But what I was doing before, man... that was frickin excruciating... the drinking, the hiding, never sleeping, working like a beast.  I can't ever go back to that. 

I can get through this transition.  One simple day at a time.

J.P.