a short update
So its been a month since H boarded a plane and left for an indeterminant amount of time.
I've been flat tack cleaning the house out, cleaning the garage up (all the things I haven't been able to do as I had to spend my time pandering to H to show I did really care about this relationship and I wasn't selfish) and balancing the full time working solo parent thing.
I phone H most days. He hasn't got a job yet..... no correction, he was offered a job with a company he worked for before we came back here but he turned them down. And is now waiting on another company. My thought, its a freakn job, we are broke and as norm, I am financing everything, take the job. Cant say that to him though.
I'm forking out for a lawyer to find out what needs to be done for H's residency. With H having a rap sheet, its not a straight forward task. But he can't seem to understand that. There are times when I want to be totally blunt with him and say "well actually after the way you treated me verbally and phsyically, you should have been deported and never allowed back here again. So thank me for keeping my mouth shut".But that would not happen because he believes I pushed him to his actions, all my fault etc.
Ugg this update has me jumping all over the place. so much like my thoughts at the moment. I found in the first week he was away that I was like "no come back, I was wrong, it will work out". And I focused on all the good things. What about all the bad things.
Now I am trying to be balanced. I reflect back on the bad and I question myself if I do follow through with his residency, what will life be like. Well fact is if I am honest with myself, he won't have changed, it will be like it was before where I was forever walking on eggshells, putting up with 2 hr rants, working and paying the bills as the only provider of the family while he whines its everybodys fault but him as to why he cant get a job or hold one down, wonder when he will hit out next, be blamed for everything, and not have a life of my own. And thats just me, what about our daughter.
On the phone he gets annoyed when i cant give him a set time to phone, never mind I have work, I have our daughter to take care off. Just because he is over there with no job and is sitting around bored, doesn't mean I can take a break.He's depressed and I feel guilty about that but he's not helping the situation. And funnily enough the conversation always seems to revolve around him. All part of the narcissist trait he has. He's even saying we are better off without him, he'll stay there, we'll stay over here, he'll "check out" etc. I'm not as weak now to think "oh no". I now think "whatever, if thats what you want, fine. We'll mourn but we'll move onto better things". Ouch that sounds so cruel, but after 4 tubluent years, what am I supposed to think.
I swing day by day over where we will end up. I know I shouldn't even be thinking "hey lets get back together" as I know what I will be in for, but theres always that bit of hope I can't quite quash - to be a happy functional family.
I've got to get back to work. I see now I will have to write things down otherwise I'll be a mess when my time is up....6 months....unless something happens sooner.
I've been flat tack cleaning the house out, cleaning the garage up (all the things I haven't been able to do as I had to spend my time pandering to H to show I did really care about this relationship and I wasn't selfish) and balancing the full time working solo parent thing.
I phone H most days. He hasn't got a job yet..... no correction, he was offered a job with a company he worked for before we came back here but he turned them down. And is now waiting on another company. My thought, its a freakn job, we are broke and as norm, I am financing everything, take the job. Cant say that to him though.
I'm forking out for a lawyer to find out what needs to be done for H's residency. With H having a rap sheet, its not a straight forward task. But he can't seem to understand that. There are times when I want to be totally blunt with him and say "well actually after the way you treated me verbally and phsyically, you should have been deported and never allowed back here again. So thank me for keeping my mouth shut".But that would not happen because he believes I pushed him to his actions, all my fault etc.
Ugg this update has me jumping all over the place. so much like my thoughts at the moment. I found in the first week he was away that I was like "no come back, I was wrong, it will work out". And I focused on all the good things. What about all the bad things.
Now I am trying to be balanced. I reflect back on the bad and I question myself if I do follow through with his residency, what will life be like. Well fact is if I am honest with myself, he won't have changed, it will be like it was before where I was forever walking on eggshells, putting up with 2 hr rants, working and paying the bills as the only provider of the family while he whines its everybodys fault but him as to why he cant get a job or hold one down, wonder when he will hit out next, be blamed for everything, and not have a life of my own. And thats just me, what about our daughter.
On the phone he gets annoyed when i cant give him a set time to phone, never mind I have work, I have our daughter to take care off. Just because he is over there with no job and is sitting around bored, doesn't mean I can take a break.He's depressed and I feel guilty about that but he's not helping the situation. And funnily enough the conversation always seems to revolve around him. All part of the narcissist trait he has. He's even saying we are better off without him, he'll stay there, we'll stay over here, he'll "check out" etc. I'm not as weak now to think "oh no". I now think "whatever, if thats what you want, fine. We'll mourn but we'll move onto better things". Ouch that sounds so cruel, but after 4 tubluent years, what am I supposed to think.
I swing day by day over where we will end up. I know I shouldn't even be thinking "hey lets get back together" as I know what I will be in for, but theres always that bit of hope I can't quite quash - to be a happy functional family.
I've got to get back to work. I see now I will have to write things down otherwise I'll be a mess when my time is up....6 months....unless something happens sooner.
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