a series of emails (we're not alone)
I wrote a series of emails this morning and last night that said pretty much the following.
What I concluded was focusing and consoling.
I am kind of letting go of all the things that I have felt I am supposed to be.
i was at work tonight - racing to get things done - anxious that i wasn't going
to finish- and I started to realize I was thinking 'why aren't who I am supposed to be?"
I decided to let go and just focus on the work which I got done with time to spare.
I had a good and fun conversation with a regular tonight - I am going to ask him
to coffee next time I see him -
and then ultimately tonight's 'letting go' has just made me appreciate that
we all have tapes like that going on in our minds and lives -
I can appreciate and can better empathize - how each of us has our own brand of pressures we carry
with ourselves - for our relationships and work.
I am trying to not forget to be considerate of people's feelings
but I am dumping the idea that my life should look a certain way -
just being open to the fun potentials of meeting new people - like
what happened tonight with this customer -
and actually enjoying it now rather than feeling more pressure
(and nervousness) about having to be a certain something
that is also so elusive for me because of my condition et al
...be happy, be you :) sending love !
Then my sister wrote : That’s awesome Mark. So happy for you.
Thanks A. I apologize I write these things to you guys. I’ll try and keep it to the website. Thanks for always being so generous with your time reading them and making a nice comment
Then I also wrote:
I know I’m connected to you but I also have to be self responsible. My illness makes me feel so isolated and I forget that.. Being at the monastery, Aemiliane says again and again, in so many words, ‘we are going through life together.’ Life is bittersweet. . I am grateful to be alive but I have my y problems. It’s the commonality I’m finding. So I’ll focus on being self responsible and take joy in things and keep on top of things.
Then I wrote: Again, sorry I have this crazy compulsion to express every thought. I’ll go in the site. Thanks again. I love you guys and I’ll say prayers.
She wrote: You don’t need to apologize. I think it’s interesting to understand your process.
i remember you saying a long time ago that 'you' (to me) will find friends and a life that
will be really fulfilling. This morning I realized, I really like, 'the kinds of relationships we have here'.
They're supportive and very helpful towards each other. Also they are conversational about topical issues.
There's a brain trust of people who come in from Washington DC and surrounding areas that come and inevitably
bring their thoughts about things.
But more so, I know you are, and were, right because it's happening. Like you mentioned from the passage in Siddartha "Stop seeking and start finding!"
Today I am indeed finding that I very much like the kinds of relationships here. I feel fulfilled and useful.
I am making friends too with the parishioners. I am making friends with the locals too,
If I ever become a cleric, I have thought my mission would be much about helping people keep on their true
If I ever become a cleric, I have thought my mission would be much about helping people keep on their true
north. If they start to go down rabbit holes or are spiralling from a negative experience, my sense of
what religion is for is definitely in supporting the community to keep hope alive, to keep on track.
Replies
there are moments when I feel like I am seeing the real me.
it's a person who does not have much grasp of anything
and is very frightened to move forward.
I need help (when I found myself in this state of mind today)
and instead of reaching out, I thought about giving myself
the help - and I thought also about being a person who needs
help - and is imperfect - and wanting to help others who need help- like a kind of mission.
I felt the tug to write my family about it - but then I thought again.
I didn't want to bug them with it so soon after my latest string of emails
and I also worried about falling down a rabbit hole.
I thought to myself that I want certain relationships to be simple
and yet I know they are not -
and when I was sitting here wondering when would I take action
in my life? when would be the pivotal water shed moment that would
instigate moving forward? I finally said to myself - maybe in some weird
way I am asking the question 'why aren't things happening the way they are supposed to?"
I think that too may have been a big stumbling block hurdle for me.