a sense of reality to feel grounded?

Trying to feel gratitude and grounding. Why do I always need to be fighting life?

My pattern seems to be..going from a sense of peace.. to a sense of fighting...

I may have my limits... but something within me wants to be as good as the rest...

It's like I can't accept my life as is.. I need to have a kind of mirror or a sense of 'reflector' that tells me

how my life is...

So I talked to my Dad today - and he talked me down from the 'twigs' so to speak (from my anger)

- and then I went about my day...

My pattern or 'rythm' started up again - with a sense of fighting - wanting to know what my life was all about - rather

than just to accept things and live peacefully. I try and create the placid within here at the 'Board and Care' but it seems

I need to figure things out too - I can't accept... I must at least try in my day. 

I wrote to my friend the Abbess (at the monastery) and I asked her to pray for me - that God helps me make the right decisions 

in my life. Writing that note kind of affirmed an important thought in me, that we are all on a path...

Later on I thought about how I am on a path here at the house as well. AND that the owner of the house is on the path as well.

And our paths intersect in her calling to own the house - and my situation to have need of the house.

I guess I want to feel some sense of power over the meaning in my life.

I know I will go back to work tomorrow. Will do the best that I can do....

Maybe some day I will go to the monastery and help out there.

My individual life has it's idiosyncratic validity - and I should affirm myself in that.

That I don't seem to have those classical or iconographic meanings shouldn't curtail me

from seeing the validity or value to my days.