A rough month, and a very rough night...

I've come to realize a few things. I'm lucky and cursed all the same. For once I knew love, but now it hath been taken away. I once was a functional being, now I'm an accursed shell of the man I once was. I dream, I aspire, only to let my self doubt dash my hopes away. I fear change, why I am not sure. Life was once my oyster. I could aspire to be anyone I wanted to be. My dreams, could never be too big, or out of reach. The hope and fire of my desire was insurmountable. Yet, I sit, now, not a dream in the world. Lost in my own thoughts, in my life, wondering what is there left for me to do. I grow tired of the everyday tedium, I grow even more weary of the drama that life has afforded me. Normally a distraction, now an overwhelming burden, I face alone.
 
I feel as though I have an issue with everyone anymore. Truthfully, the issue however is really with myself. I look at what I've become, and it disgusts me. I'm a fat slob, unable to work, some days unable to even walk to the bathroom. I feel so defeated, so tired, and there are so many days anymore, where I just wish I could give up and lay down, and for it all to be over. If I did, I wouldn't have to suffer the pain anymore. I wouldn't have to suffer the gifted mind, trapped in a body that can barely function. The one that thinks, analyzes everything, and drives himself mad with theories, because it is all I can think of. I shower 3 times a day, just to take the pain away.
 
I find myself more and more crying myself to sleep, struggling to sleep, and being frustrated by it. I find everything in my life out of focus, out of sorts. It is just chaos. Fighting with friends, being hurt by their words, fighting with family, also being hurt by their words, feeling more and more worthless as time passes. Unknowing anymore, how to love thy self, unknowing how to care about what is best for my life, for my future. For a future, that all I see is bleak, and destined to have perils. The sad thing, the truly sad part, is that I have a wonderful mother, who would do anything in her power for me. I have a few friends, that I could depend on no matter what I needed. I'm safe, in a home, with plenty of food to eat, access to a hot shower anytime I want, a computer, internet, and the ability to talk to people. And yet, I sit here, complaining about the perils of my life, and to what end. There is no end, just me, taking for granted the things I should hold most dear.
 
I watch as my friends try their best to lift me up. It isn't their failure that I refuse to rise, it is mine. I also watch how happy they are, and wish I could fully understand that emotion again. To feel truly happy. To feel loved, and cared for. I watch, as they gaze into each others eyes, locked, and without saying a word, knowing how much they love and adore each other. I had that once. I knew love, I felt it in the depths of my heart and soul. I knew, without waver that my life was her's, to do whatever possible to make her happy each and every day. To make her smile, to laugh, to truly be happy.
 
 
It's funny. I haven't listened to a song in almost 2 years. A song called Painters by Jewel. I doubt many of you know of the song, but in this song, this couple, love and adore each other to the utmost extreme. They paint pictures, of everything. Their love for each other is absolute, the passion they share is palatable in the song. Sadly, he passes away tragically in the song, and the pain that is conveyed is so real, so intense. Most of you won't understand why I mention this, or can even feel this way, but I had that once. I had that intense feeling, the passion and desire, for my ex wife.
 
Those days, however, are long long past me. I can say with clarity, I haven't experienced that feeling in over 6 years. Long before my marriage ended, long before the torture and abuse, long before me being a slave to my ex wife. The only thing I felt was the death of my marriage. I felt like she died, and it was all I could do was cry. But honestly, even with the pain, I miss those days. I long for them, so desperately, but yet I sit here, typing, pouring my heart and soul into this pathetic writing. How could anyone love me, when I have such hatred for myself.
 
Speaking of songs, another song, that seems very apt for my life, is called Life's Vortex by After Forever. Someone struggling with life, her mind under attack from within, trying her best to hang on. I find I identify with her, in almost every aspect of this song. Her pain, her despair, I feel as though it could be consumed and taken inside. My soul, cries every time I hear this song, internally, I feel misery and pain. It is hell knowing that if it weren't for the fact that I have a wonderful mom, and a few great friends, I could truly be her. I could be unwanted, forced to drown because no one could show me another circle of life. I have people who show me different ways to live, show me ways to cope, and move on. But yet I seem to desire to fail.
 
I don't know how to live with myself anymore. I'm honestly tired of being a sick person. I'm tired of being tired, feeling like shit everyday, and having to force my body to obey my commands. Having to pray and hope that I don't fall, or collapse, or cause a scene when I'm out. Putting that burden on my friends, making them worry about me. But I do it regardless, in the hopes, that just for one night, a distraction from all that ails me. A night, where I can smile, where I can laugh, where I can forget all I go through. But I ask myself every night, what kind of life is this? I'm stagnant, stuck in my own tortuous contraption. My lack of desire, to change, because of the fear of the unknown. My fear, of failing yet another time, or falling apart worse. Or possibly triggering another crisis situation, or making my condition worse.
 
Truthfully, why would I be scared, if I think about it. I wish the suffering would end, so wouldn't pushing myself harder, possibly end that. If I fail, I'll likely not be here anymore to suffer. And if I succeed, maybe I can overcome the punishment. I truthfully don't know anymore. I'm lost. I'm hurt. I'm scared. I'm scared that one day, that all this pain is going to consume me. And I fear the person I'll become if that happens. I need to remind myself of the positive, but I do question how I do that, when there is far more negative. Another theory to work out I guess. Another theory...