A revelation
Had a long session with Joanna today. Obviously I knew what was coming...She said that because I just don't care about myself or anything anymore, that she nor Jill can help me. I balled.
Then I started to do a lot of talking. I talked most of the session.
As I write this I am shaking and crying because I am so scared and nervous to embark on this new journey.
I still do not think that I care about myself, and I definitely do not love or even like myself. Though, I want to work hard to change this.
Today during therapy at the end, I realized that the one thing I absolutely 110% want from my life is to have a family. I have always wanted to be a caring, loving mother. I want to be the mother of two wonderful boys (or whatever God provides me with). I have their full names picked out, and even one for if I have a girl.
I do not know what I want to do or even whether I want to work, I just know I want to have healthy, happy kids who I can love and care for. That is one thing I really want from life. If I truly want this then I have to work as hard as I can to get better. Along that process my hopes are that I will be able to care about myself/life, and also start like myself. Perhaps someday I'll even love myself.
I want to work on this, I do not want to give up because then I will never get the one thing from life that I have always wanted.
I am completely terrified and scared for the road ahead. I am afraid of the hurdles and bridges I am going to have to cross. Yes there still is a part of me that just wants to die, but I think a stronger part of me wants to fight to have a family. Perhaps since I know that I want this, slowly other things that I, Steffanie Alexis McKay, want will come out of me. I feel that I can work with this and that I can do this.
I called Jill late this afternoon to schedule an appointment with her for next week. I told her that I want to work with her and start with a small meal plan and gradually increase it.
This afternoon while in a Fetch! Pet Care meeting I thought that maybe I would enjoy having a franchise of Fetch. Now that would be fun. I would enjoy that and I could do that around my family. I can work out of my home.
I want to keep trying, I do not want to give up. I want to go uphill and not keep going downhill. I need to change things because if I don't then I will not achieve either, which would just bring me down worse.
I am terrified out of my mind to do this, but I am going to try.
Then I started to do a lot of talking. I talked most of the session.
As I write this I am shaking and crying because I am so scared and nervous to embark on this new journey.
I still do not think that I care about myself, and I definitely do not love or even like myself. Though, I want to work hard to change this.
Today during therapy at the end, I realized that the one thing I absolutely 110% want from my life is to have a family. I have always wanted to be a caring, loving mother. I want to be the mother of two wonderful boys (or whatever God provides me with). I have their full names picked out, and even one for if I have a girl.
I do not know what I want to do or even whether I want to work, I just know I want to have healthy, happy kids who I can love and care for. That is one thing I really want from life. If I truly want this then I have to work as hard as I can to get better. Along that process my hopes are that I will be able to care about myself/life, and also start like myself. Perhaps someday I'll even love myself.
I want to work on this, I do not want to give up because then I will never get the one thing from life that I have always wanted.
I am completely terrified and scared for the road ahead. I am afraid of the hurdles and bridges I am going to have to cross. Yes there still is a part of me that just wants to die, but I think a stronger part of me wants to fight to have a family. Perhaps since I know that I want this, slowly other things that I, Steffanie Alexis McKay, want will come out of me. I feel that I can work with this and that I can do this.
I called Jill late this afternoon to schedule an appointment with her for next week. I told her that I want to work with her and start with a small meal plan and gradually increase it.
This afternoon while in a Fetch! Pet Care meeting I thought that maybe I would enjoy having a franchise of Fetch. Now that would be fun. I would enjoy that and I could do that around my family. I can work out of my home.
I want to keep trying, I do not want to give up. I want to go uphill and not keep going downhill. I need to change things because if I don't then I will not achieve either, which would just bring me down worse.
I am terrified out of my mind to do this, but I am going to try.
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