A really good night
I rang the bell and then started services...
in services ....
I don't know how to talk about this without self injury
but I will try and adjust my perspective so that it doesn't hurt.
in services - I did what I was supposed to do
and I went into evening meal. I thought about
how I don't feel like I belong here at times (at the monastery)
and then I thought about how this is just part of my life's journey
and so I relaxed - I felt at ease here at last- enjoying my time while it happened
and I projected to a time where I would also be at the men's monastery
in Oklahoma City. I am really excited.
During the evening meal there was a reading
that spoke about how 'people don't want you - they want god'
it blew me down.
I want to be loved for who I am - and I am loved for who I am.
But I also try and be the best person I can be. .I fall short and
I know we all do.
In the first service - I thought about my mom. I missed her - and How I wanted
someone to make a home for me like she did. My mind went
back to a time when I was very sick in my twenties - I only felt
safe with her - though she was really impatient with me - at wits end.
I thought how I could make a home life for myself instead - like make a homey home.
Like wearing two hats.
But then I started to look around me after the reading - and appreciate where I am
and what I am doing - and it really is quite nice here -
there are so many reasons to feel frightened and insecure for the future -
but I would imagine most people are like that - and then we have to at some point get on
with life and enjoy the time while we can.
And so I am - enjoying it here - I'm relaxed and happy.
I look forward to seeing my doc on Friday night.
peace !
Replies
yesterday's meeting with my therapist really helped me -
I am starting to see that I question everything's pattern
and yet I need to question my own as well.
i was at service this morning - and I realized the demanding
nature of the religion is a lot for me to accept...
but I do know that it is a good guiding example
for the vicissitudes of life.
I am really seeing that I tend to try things out and then question
them only to find something to dislike and avoid commitment.
I also know that when I was at meal time today I thought
about wanting to take a second piece of cake - no one
was eating it - but some old tape said 'you can't do that!'
but then as I had said to my doc in last meeting 'how everything
of personal desire was shunned against in my formative life'
so I decided to eat the piece of cake - and there was no problem
no one was offended.
I do know also that I thought about
the idea when wanting a second cup of smoothie there as well,
that 'why should I be the one to take the smoothie when we
were all there?' In my hunger I saw a sense of commonality to respect
and that felt reasonable.
Anyways - I go to work soon. I hope you are having a good day.
Sounds like you have an interesting journey planned and are living it now. I hope you had a good day at work yesterday. I'm glad you had that 2nd piece of cake!
thanks becky!!