a note to my therapist
hi,
yesterday I was still puzzling about stuff - it was something
i noticed and realized most people 'don't think like that' -
it was a sobering and embarrassing thing - i started to
see the craziness of it - but I know my support
group friends and the friend from it whom I talk to most every night
encourages me to express myself and that it s ok -
that's been kind of my feeling and spirit behind me
writing you so much - since it is the nature of our work together.
Yesterday and today I started feeling all kinds of pressures and drive to be defined, as a way to deal with insecurity I suppose. To be something or someone I am supposed to be, something better than just me.
I thought about how iconography helps us know ourselves yet it is seductive and elusive since
we are all human animals and can't fit a shape. I noticed how
I use creative visualizations and imagery to help me think about myself
and life path and goals and yet I also know that there are the actual relationships
that is important to consider - real stuff..
I felt the reality that I fall short in so many ways yesterday
- i 'fell to earth' with the knowing that I am a person who has 'challenges' but fortunately I believe in the greater society 'out
there' that I belong to and that helped and 'caught me' to just humbly accept myself
and my life..it was enough to keep on keeping on - I also felt much more empathetic and had the realization of how to be just human and confidently myself
with my friends, family and the sisters.
But again I woke up this morning - puzzling about things - trying to keep on the task of the service
I was leading. In fact I did an ok job - but I was filled with all sorts of misgivings - I felt
like 'I wasn't doing well enough'....but again my mind went back to the iconography association
that I make in order to be some perfect image, to know myself somehow when I so often feel so lost or insecure that I was 'less than'....and that I concluded ultimately seemed unfair to myself. A great realization.
I thought about what I said to you yesterday that "I treat Blue like a person so he will behave like a person."
It really matters to treat him and myself with dignity and respect...If you don't treat a person like a person
they will not grow up to believe themselves worthy or to be healthy - any animal would react from long term
negative treatment.
So I thought about the iconography and my reaction to the demand for how 'I should have behaved'
rather than reacting naturally so as be accustomed to "being who I am "
It's important to understand humanity and be compassionate..it is
also important to know how to be yourself
and find compassion for others and yourself through that.
That's all for now,
Thanks!
Best,
Mark
Mark
Replies
I never quite know how to relate to others, Mark. Personally, I don't Think like other people! Is that how you feel?
I learned, over time, to do mindless chit chat with people so they would feel at ease. But it isn't really natural for me.
Blue probably makes a good sounding board, and I bet he likes hearing you talk to him!
Thanks GT!!!
Big hugs for you both
I think if we grow up feeling lesser than it's a big struggle and frequent reminding needs to be had
I'm glad that you're reminding yourself sweetie...xo
Thanks Janet!