A new wave
I have been debating going to the party for Rob’s dad. I do love him so much and I always felt welcomed by his family but I think the level of pain this would cause for me is not worth it one bit. They don’t give a shit about me. They love Rob and want him to be happy. If he’s happy with someone else then that’s all they care about. I would just look pitiful and sad. I can’t go with head held high. I would end up a basket case like I already am. I wish I could talk with someone about this. I would love to go see the cousins and aunts and Don and the sisters too. But seeing her take my place would be brutal. It was my place. I was there for 23 years. I walked around that house. I knew those people. They were my family. It was my yard. He was my father-in-law. He was my husband. I don’t understand for one second how people divorce without a second thought. How people move on so easily. I am finding it almost impossible these days to move on. The lump in my throat is constant. The tears spring to my eyes way too easily. The yawning chasm of emptiness is in my chest and threatens my sanity. I do consider how much easier it would be to leave this world than to keep trying. I don’t have anything keeping me here. I am peripheral to everyone I interact with. I am primary to no one. Even my kids. My mom is the only one who would be seriously affected.
And it GALLS me that someone else has the RIGHT to ownership of Rob. That she is the one he is LOYAL to now. Talking to me is a threat to her. HOW does that happen? How does the man who told me a zillion times that he would always love me – even a few months ago, devote himself to someone else? Why can’t I accept it? Why would I even want his fucked up lying cheating, drunk ass?
This doesn’t sound at all like someone who is 2 years post-divorce. It sounds like someone experiencing it for the first time. It still feels like certain things are happening for the first time for me. Up until the past few months I think in the back of my mind I still felt deep down I owned Rob’s heart forever and he could never be happy without me. But seeing him happy is KILLING ME because now I have to admit he has truly moved on. We will always share our kids but he is never ever ever going to be my husband again. Was I harboring some kind of warped desire for that? I can’t help thinking this would be easier if I had also been able to move on. If I also had someone to look forward to every day instead of just my own sorry little existence. Yes, I did just go to Ireland and yes, it was WONDERFUL, but now I’m back to daily life where I have to face being single and alone all the time. Distractions only help for so long.
Replies
Yes this does sound like someone who is 2 years post divorce. You have hit a trigger that hurts and I'm sure there will be more. You don't really need to go to that party. I hear the distress you are going thru and how it has triggered the bad thoughts. Cmonge you have come a long way and this is just a tiny slide back. Why don't you see a therapist for a few sessions to work thru this and get back on track. You have helped a lot of us on Divorce After Twenty and now you just need a bit of help for yourself. You have hit one of those stuck times and need help to move forward again. I know you are venting and can get past this stuck time in your life.
Hi Trisha, the good thing is I restarted therapy earlier this summer. I haven't seen her for s few weeks because of vacations and things but I have an appointment tomorrow which is a very opportune time. I'll be glad to talk through this. Thank you as always!!
Hi cmonge, Two years after a long marriage is not a long time at all. He was in your life and professed his love to you so many times for a large portion of your life.
I'm sure he hasn't truly moved on. But the feelings, the seeing him with another, hurts! Of course it does!!
Remember what you said, he's a "fucked up lying cheating, drunk ass." I bet you made the right call. Being alone for awhile sounds a lot better than trying to renew a relationship with him (even if he were single and interested).
This is your beautiful heart, which shows how much love you felt. And how much you appreciate being loved in return.
Try to focus on the positive and let him go.
My good male friend gave me a very interesting perspective last night when I mentioned this to him - he said "think about how the new GF will feel if you are getting a lot of attention and love from his family while she feels awkward. She is a completely innocent party in all of this since she had nothing to do with the breakup.". It's funny but I was thinking the exact same thing would be what I was feeling! But he's right when you step out of your own shoes for a minute and think about someone else's feelings it can be a little easier. And I could very well someday be in that exact same situation with a new beau - who knows???
I'm anxious to see what my therapist's take is on this tonight. Thanks Rainbow!