A new start, A new me..

Well its a new year. Which means new beginnings to make things better in me and my families lives. Alot of things have happened since I have last wrote. Alot of trying to find out where I want to be in my life. Alot of loses. We lost our home due to finance issues. We found a nice new home now though. I experienced alot of anniversary dates to painful memories and reminders of things that were just very difficult to deal with. We had alot of beautiful family memories as well. My sons football season was awesome to say the least. My husband has been doing everything in his power to make things better for us. But I didn't have time to deal and fix things for me to be able to move on like he did. I did things that made me a very bad person. I was so full of anger and resentment from my husbands affair that I did the same thing. Its a whole new level of insanity when a affair happens on both ends. My anger was just building all the time and I became this person who didnt care because if I felt emotion then it was only pain. So to block myself from caring is how I came to numbing myself from my morals and everything I ever cared to stand for. When your dreams of a happy ever after are shattered then its easy to slip into a hopelessness non caring state because you have lost your dreams of happiness. My anger had alot to do with it as well. I felt my husband had one over on me...Just felt it wasn't fare that he could do this to me. I guess someones true colors come thru we they go thru something so traumatic. Along with all the weight I lost I noticed men looking my way. Which was a new feeling from how ugly I felt when my husband choose someone over me. I ate up the attention to build myself back up. I went about this all wrong...But a affair should be defined as "loosing your sanity". Nothing more or less..Because thats what I felt. It changes someone. Some for the bad and somethings can be good. After my husband found out about my affair he had his first reaction of complete anger..Kicking dents in his truck and calling me whore. Which is all understandable. Later that day after he calmed down some he stood in the driveway with me and said that he still wants me and wanted us to work. That he couldn't live without me to just please dont do it again. My heart broke knowing what I did to him because I knew the pain first hand. I remember in counseling the counselor told me he would never understand what I was feeling and I thought it wasnt right or fare that someone could hurt some so bad and take away their sanity without knowing how it feels. Well I made him feel what I was feelings. It wasn't right of me at all. Revenge is so evil. I hate what I did. To hold your husband in your arms as he weeps like a baby uncontrollable is heart breaking. To hear him say that he wants to find this man and take away his happiness because thats what he stole from him. Everyday has  been different. Ups and downs. My husband is everything to me. I wish we could have loved each other more before all this pain had to happen. Its been over a year since his affair. I feel I am healing slowly. Thank God because there was days that felt so hopeless in sadness and pain. It has been 2 months since my husband found out about my affair. Everyday for him is different. Some are more needy than others. I don't think that we have giving each other as much lovin's at any other time in our relationship than now. We have agreed that we need to put each other first or we can't work. Things will never be perfect but we can try our hardest to make each other happy. I could never find a man to love me more. He has changed thru out this whole ordeal. We lay together everyday and he just stares at my face. I feel he's sincere with what he says. His actions actually prove it. We are all works in progress. I want to get back to a place of happiness with my family. I feel that we are on our way. I am sorry that I have became the other end of this support group and I understand if people have things to say to are not to pleasant about my behavior but I am sure its not already something I have thought of already about myself.. I just felt the need to up date things. Hugs and prayers for all my fellow DS friends.