A new Day, A new life...

Today is different.  I woke this morning, and felt good for some reason.  I prayed a lot last night for guidance and strength.  I wrote that letter to sarah letting her know i am letting her go.  I do not want to, but realized that i cannot hold her against her will. That is wrong for a husband to do.  i will continue to go do counseling, and still hope and pray that sarah eventually will want to go with me. I do not want this divorce one bit, but am realizing more and more each day that i turly need to fix me. i am working on it one day at a time, and am progressing.  I feel that god is directing me, and that is what i need. I will continue to pray for sarah, as she needs guidance too. I think that our problems are fixable, and we can live the life that we both want in the eyes of our lord.  I realize now that if god wants us to have our lifes together, then it will be so later.  I want to tell sarah so badly that i love her and that i care, but i know that it will not work at this point.  She responded to the letter, but only to see if i wanted to see the boys at noon on saturday.  i will be there to see the boys for sure.  I miss them so much, and i miss her.  i am still looking for a good job that i can support them with.  iT is very hard, as i do not have any civilian certifications for aircraft.  8 years with helicopters in the marines isnt good enough, i guess, lol...  I am going to file for concilliation counseling.  I hope and pray that the one session that we go to, will show and prove that i am changing to her, and that this is not really what she wants.  i will follow through with me.  I need to. That was my problem before, i did not follow through and continue my counseling.  God has a plan for us all, and when i truly and honestly believed that, everything makes sense.  These past few weeks have been very chaotic, but enlightening.  i am in pain still, but know the truth behind the pain.  I will continue down the path that god has led me to.  That seems to be helping me out these past few weeks, and i feel that i am already changing to be a better man. I still need a lot of work, but the changes that i have already done make me feel very good about myself, in which i have not felt in years.  I guess the saying 'with knowledge comes appreciation,' has truth behind it.  I know how and why things are happening, and i cant blame it one bit.  I will never lose sight of fixing myself, nor will i ever give up on my children or my wife.   i will be a better man. i challange god and everybody else to witness it and encourage me.