A never ending struggle
Well hello everyone,
It has been since 2009 apparently since I have posted anything on this website. What have I been up too? I have a son now, he will be three in July. His name is Zachary and he is the main reason I am back on this site asking for help. I currently work full time for a multi specialty clinic and go to school at Colorado State for my bachelors in Health Administration and Management. So yes, I have been VERY busy the last few years. Aside from being busy however I have also been struggling. Granted not as bad as when I first joined this site, however my mental body image and battle with food has held its ground in my life. Recently I have started to reverse with my thoughts and actions with my eating disorder. I honestly have refused to believe the idea that Anorexia Nervosa never goes away, but I find myself starting to believe it now. I need to find strength again, find myself again and figure out exactly where I stand. My son deserves the best of me and not my mind wondering off about food and my body. I need to get better and be healthy for him and lead by example. Why this is becoming such a struggle again I am not sure, and I wonder if this is a battle I will have the rest of my life. Its frustrating to talk to family and friends who have not been here and do not understand exactly what this entails, I turn to all of you who struggle with something like I do and understand the emotional drainage behind it. I do not want to end up where I was years ago, but I am afraid of getting better at the same time, of gaining weight and being 'too healthy' if anyone knows what I mean by that. If not, I can probably explain it a little better, I feel that if I start getting better from this that I will gain a lot of weight as I get older and become unhealthy, almost as if this anorexia nervosa is keeping me at a state of healthiness in a bad way. I hope that is a bit more clear? I don't know, sounds better in my head I guess. Anyway, I know I have not been on in awhile and very supportive, for that I am sorry. I would love to reconnect with everyone and again become supported while supporting my friends.
:)
It has been since 2009 apparently since I have posted anything on this website. What have I been up too? I have a son now, he will be three in July. His name is Zachary and he is the main reason I am back on this site asking for help. I currently work full time for a multi specialty clinic and go to school at Colorado State for my bachelors in Health Administration and Management. So yes, I have been VERY busy the last few years. Aside from being busy however I have also been struggling. Granted not as bad as when I first joined this site, however my mental body image and battle with food has held its ground in my life. Recently I have started to reverse with my thoughts and actions with my eating disorder. I honestly have refused to believe the idea that Anorexia Nervosa never goes away, but I find myself starting to believe it now. I need to find strength again, find myself again and figure out exactly where I stand. My son deserves the best of me and not my mind wondering off about food and my body. I need to get better and be healthy for him and lead by example. Why this is becoming such a struggle again I am not sure, and I wonder if this is a battle I will have the rest of my life. Its frustrating to talk to family and friends who have not been here and do not understand exactly what this entails, I turn to all of you who struggle with something like I do and understand the emotional drainage behind it. I do not want to end up where I was years ago, but I am afraid of getting better at the same time, of gaining weight and being 'too healthy' if anyone knows what I mean by that. If not, I can probably explain it a little better, I feel that if I start getting better from this that I will gain a lot of weight as I get older and become unhealthy, almost as if this anorexia nervosa is keeping me at a state of healthiness in a bad way. I hope that is a bit more clear? I don't know, sounds better in my head I guess. Anyway, I know I have not been on in awhile and very supportive, for that I am sorry. I would love to reconnect with everyone and again become supported while supporting my friends.
:)
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