A moment to reflect
As I sit at my computer I have a wonderful view of the blue sky and the few clouds that are lingering there...
I have pondered on the thoughts of life and convince myself that there is a reason for everything...everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason and that there is a lesson to be learned in each turning of the page....
In my small part of the world I have been so very blessed. I have a very strong supportive family, good friends with loving hearts and then there is FMO, my lifeline...
I have written a letter to my family to explain exactly what FMO is and how it works. The reason for this is because during my depression which comes and goes now I realized that I was truly never alone. My Father's Mother, we will call her Ruby Christine (because that was her name) lost her daughter. Margaret at about the same age MayLyn was when she went to heaven (25). My Father's other Sister who was named after her Mother, we will call her Aunt Ruby, she lost her son Michael (may he rest in peace) at the young age of about 30.
Both Ruby Christine and my Aunt Ruby (Mother and Daughter) are two of the strongest women I have ever known. Grandma Ruby was always smart, happy and had a way of making everyone around her see things more clearly and in the true spirit of family, we were all close until she passed away. I always adored her and when we could we spent every minute together talking about everything except...yep...you guessed it..Margaret. When Margaret passed she left behind 4 children, who are all grown now and I stay in touch with each of them and their families.
Aunt Ruby and I talked yesterday because her husband, my Uncle Gene passed away this last week..we have had many talks but never about...yup..you guessed it..her son michael, who was an excellent friend to my family..
I guess what I am trying to get to is this...my revalation is that both of these women were "old school" so to speak. Suck it up, keep a smile on your face, never let them see you cry, be tough so on and so forth...
If I had not been buried in my own grief so deeply I think I might have reached out to Aunt Ruby, I know now she really needed someone to talk with, to sit with, to hold her hand and yes, to cry with. So very important to me to remember that there are other people around me in every aspect of my small little part of the world that are in need of that love that we are automatically denied because we have lost a child.
Although my immediate family tries so hard to understand my emotional turmoil...the rest of them are the types to say "give it time, it will pass, she will come back around, then things will be normal again". I now understand that and I can finally see past it...
Everyone in my extented family could learn something from all of you...without your love and support, knowing that I will never get "past" this and knowing that i will never be "their kind of normal" again, listening to me when I rant and rave, crying with me, laughing with me, being truly compassionate people is what's "now" and so very important to our recovery.
As I sit here at my computer....I just wanted to say thank you and share these thoughts with you.
I have pondered on the thoughts of life and convince myself that there is a reason for everything...everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason and that there is a lesson to be learned in each turning of the page....
In my small part of the world I have been so very blessed. I have a very strong supportive family, good friends with loving hearts and then there is FMO, my lifeline...
I have written a letter to my family to explain exactly what FMO is and how it works. The reason for this is because during my depression which comes and goes now I realized that I was truly never alone. My Father's Mother, we will call her Ruby Christine (because that was her name) lost her daughter. Margaret at about the same age MayLyn was when she went to heaven (25). My Father's other Sister who was named after her Mother, we will call her Aunt Ruby, she lost her son Michael (may he rest in peace) at the young age of about 30.
Both Ruby Christine and my Aunt Ruby (Mother and Daughter) are two of the strongest women I have ever known. Grandma Ruby was always smart, happy and had a way of making everyone around her see things more clearly and in the true spirit of family, we were all close until she passed away. I always adored her and when we could we spent every minute together talking about everything except...yep...you guessed it..Margaret. When Margaret passed she left behind 4 children, who are all grown now and I stay in touch with each of them and their families.
Aunt Ruby and I talked yesterday because her husband, my Uncle Gene passed away this last week..we have had many talks but never about...yup..you guessed it..her son michael, who was an excellent friend to my family..
I guess what I am trying to get to is this...my revalation is that both of these women were "old school" so to speak. Suck it up, keep a smile on your face, never let them see you cry, be tough so on and so forth...
If I had not been buried in my own grief so deeply I think I might have reached out to Aunt Ruby, I know now she really needed someone to talk with, to sit with, to hold her hand and yes, to cry with. So very important to me to remember that there are other people around me in every aspect of my small little part of the world that are in need of that love that we are automatically denied because we have lost a child.
Although my immediate family tries so hard to understand my emotional turmoil...the rest of them are the types to say "give it time, it will pass, she will come back around, then things will be normal again". I now understand that and I can finally see past it...
Everyone in my extented family could learn something from all of you...without your love and support, knowing that I will never get "past" this and knowing that i will never be "their kind of normal" again, listening to me when I rant and rave, crying with me, laughing with me, being truly compassionate people is what's "now" and so very important to our recovery.
As I sit here at my computer....I just wanted to say thank you and share these thoughts with you.
Replies
You are so very welcome...as you said with out this group where would of lot of us mother\'s be, lost and going crazy. I too had family member\'s that have lost children but they were dead before my Bobby died. But yes a grandmother too & an aunt, but it was something you never talked about. Sending you some love & a gret big hug...Connie
What a beautiful moment and reflection. I felt so drawn into what you described and speak of each of you in the same way with family and friends. Often, I receive such a surprised look that this community of sisters has been my life line too. You can still have that time with Aunt Ruby as you are discovering and yes, sometimes we are too self absorbed in our own grief to look beyond ourselves. That\'s okay and as it needs to be too and that is the reassurance that I have learned here on FMO. I feel your gratitude my friend and say thank you right back. Such a beautiful journal from you today filled with so many feelings. With love, Joanie
I am very interested in your comments, personally. I am an only child. My Mom is 80. She was very close to my son Chad. He lived with her off and on, after he turned 18. She will be living with me soon, full time. But, she cannot talk about Chad. She thinks my involement with FMO keeps me from \"moving on\"??????? I am so grateful to the mothers, who have taken time, from their own grief, to help me............My mom had tradgic things happen to her.Two sucides, in the family, but I guess that was her way, to suck it up. God bless FMO and all the moms. I hope we keep on taking the time, to TALK, when we need to. Hugs.Gaye
It sounds like you have a wonderful family. Glad you are able to get past their lack of understanding of those of us who have lost a child. I think it is impossible to understand our grief if you have not been there. I just try to love my family anyway and know that they are doing the best that they can. Sometimes its not easy, but deep down I do know that they just don\'t get it. So its OK. Thanks for sharing. Love and hugs, Beth
well both my sisters..and alot of my friends..turned there backs to me when i lost cody...it hurt so bad..but i did have a few close friends that stayed by my side...my hubby and other son when he is here ..are doing ok with codys not here now,,,or at least that is how it seems to me ..through my eyes!they both miss him but do not hardly ever want to talk about cody...it rips my heart out!..my brother has been kind to me..he will call and talk and talk about cody and ect...my mom and dad talk about cody some...but not much...and that really hurts!..so one night i was talking to mom on the phone( just recently) and i asked her why they never talk about cody much anymore...well her response was didnt want me to cry and get thinking about it all again...
DAMN IT...i need to know cody existed..was loved,,,was a part of my family and that he is missed,,,i dont want to here the bull crap...i misss my son so much it drives me crazy at times!!..so not long ago on face book i put codys pick up and said..DO YOU REMEMBER ME?...just to see how the respose went...no family except his 2 girl cousins said something on comment...but alot of the moms did and quit a few friends did...but i have to know he is remembered...not forgotten..ya know!!..i already know u understand what im trying to say !!...it took yrs for my sister to start conversation with me...by then...i done was far over it...they could kiss my rear!...turn there backs to me when i needed them most...we kinda talk reg basis now...but it will never be the same...NEVER!!
now hubby and son...said it bothered them seeing the area i filled with codys urn and pics and ect...and hubby said it needed moved...cos they r not ever gona forget him..and so on...dear god...i went flippin nuts...!!!that really tore me up..move his ashes out of sight!!!!!!!!..so well it was about a year later i did move cody and his stuff and pics...into codys bedroom which is now my computer room...and i share it with cody... :)
i talk to him and i smell his scent and i can feel his presence!!....i like knowing he is near me!..and if his friends come over they can go and have there talk with cody and have private time...alot still come over and write notes and drop them in his talk box i made...has a lock and ect...and anybody can write what they need to and its private...
but sorry i wrote a book...BUT ALOT OF MY FAMILY IS NUTS!!!!!!...OR MAYBE ITS JUST ME...BUT IT MAKES ME SAD ALOT OF TIMES....CODY WAS THE SONSHINE OF MY LIFE...A PART OF ME...ACTED LIKE ME AND FAVORED ME IN LOOKS...AND HAD MY HEART....i miss him alot
sorry..looks like a book almost..luv u
but fmo is my strength and lifeline...i love all of you!!...and IM SO GLAD BARBARA SMITH STARTED THIS GROUP...I LOVE YOU BARBARA
I recently read a book called \"The English American\", an autobiography about a stand-up comedienne who was born to two (it turns out) dysfunctional American parents, given up for adoption and raised by a stable, warm and loving British family. Sometime in her 20s she decided she needed to seek out her birth parents and, after some time, she managed to. At first it was very exciting to her because what were considered to be behavior patterns and attitudes that were \"weird\" and \"incomprehensible\" to her British family were apparent in her birth family and finally she knew where she came from.
But, as time wore on and she stayed in the US for a number of years (she may still live here), as her alcoholic, in some cases literally crazy family members (especially her birth mother) began to insist that now she was really \"home\" and that only intense psychotherapy would make her accept her adoption and upbringing (she had been very happy and content) she went tearing back to her British family. One of the final observations in her book was that sometimes there\'s something to \"just having a cup of tea with your stiff upper lip\" rather than process, process, process. And, perhaps, in her case that is the right choice.
I imagine that is how many people in our lives feel, including mothers from earlier generations who were taught to hide their feelings and \"move on\" back to \"normal\". My own sister (our generation) lost one of her 11 children to suicide in 2005. She insists that she hasn\'t wept for years and that by just putting on a smile and pretending to be happy has made her happy. A leap of faith, so to speak. My other sister thinks she\'s still in total denial. Be that as it may, I invited her to join FMO when I first joined but she got spooked by not being able to figure out how to join (she\'s extremely intelligent) and ran away screaming (so to speak).
Perhaps FMO is not for everyone, but I, like you, choose to continue to be here, knowing that you all \"have my back\" ~ I am safe. You understand that there is no \"getting over\" it. Do we \"get over\" giving birth? Right after the baby is born do we say \"oops ~ can I take that back?\" Nope ~ once a Mom, always a Mom, whether our precious children are walking this earth or not. And when we are forced not to see and hug and giggle with our children for years on end ~ well, that sadness just does not \"go away\".
Do we learn to smile, laugh, engage with life once again? Oh yes, indeed, we do. Do our hearts forever yearn for the enormous hole left by the loss of our children? Oh yes, indeed they do.
Love to you, dear Lillowyth, and to everyone who reads this ~ Debbie
Jacqueline, you\'re welcome and many thanks to you for always being here for me too. All our sisters of the heart here are like family and as you said unless someone has been through what we\'ve been through people may think \"this too shall pass\". But no
this is forever! We have to learn to go on, but there is no fixing this. Shortly after Eddie passed, my favorite uncle passed. He was elderly and it was expected, but I just couldn\'t go to the services. I called my aunt to give her my condolences and to explain since Eddie has just passed 2 months prior that I was not up to attending the wake. I said, \"I know you understand\". She did since she & my uncle had lost a child. My cousin who was 8 when she passed. My aunt said,\"Don\'t give it another thought.\" My aunt is a sweet lady, but that is the most she, my uncle or my other cousins have ever said about the child that passed in an accident all those years ago. I know even though the tears come, that it is healthy to talk about loss. I could never just stop talking about Ed. He deserves to be with us. Thank you for this journal. Love to you and sweet MayLyn, Linda, Ed\'s mom.
girlfriend, we are in this together! all of us! i think others in our life will always be unable to understand, unless it happens to them. therefore, we come here! we know the ups and downs, back and forth, and all the things in between! maybe, i. too, have shut people out because of my independence, headstrong, stubbornness to handle things on my own. yet, the ones that i thought would be around for the long haul.... wait, where did they go? so, here we are!! our normal is different! i love you! {{{hugs}}}
I\'m so glad you have the family support. My family supports me as much as I allow I guess. I\'m kind of like th suck it up kind person \"in person\" and you know how yappy I am on here! Spilling out all the pain and anger and frustration. But that\'s what we\'re all here for, right? I think our immediate family is face to face to much so can\'t let anything sink in or give it any thought....we understand us and that will have to do.
You, too, have certainly done your part to comfort us and be there for us. Only those here on DS and FMO truly understand that there is really no getting over what we all are going through. I have been told that you never get over it, you get used to it. I wonder about even getting used to it. Sometimes I feel as though I should be doing better at this point than I am. At times I feel as though I am, and then the heartbreak hits and here we go again! You take care of yourself and just know that we sure know how you are feeling. God bless you,
Carol
Jacqueline, I too am lucky to have the support of a wonderful family. My sister & my brother both openly talk about it with me and are not \"afraid\" to bring up a conversation about the boys. But, my friends here on FMO have been where I really can be truthful always and take off my mask. While I have family support, I hesitate to always tell them my feelings, where I tell you all without any hesitation.....because I know you really understand like no one else. Thanks for being here for me too! Love & Hugs, Kim
Hi there, Jacqueline...the result of Truth is always Wisdom....your words are proof of that. I believe that everything is for a reason and God uses everything for His purpose. I would hope that all of us can find that same revelation in our sadness. Sorrow is a part of life and only those who have experienced it can empathize. When we depart from that sorrow and extend ourselves to help others is another example of God helping us to use our experience to \"pay it forward\"...a part of this FMO experience. We could never learn empathy if we could...if possible, as a mom....disassociate from our pain. I do believe smiles hide a lot of our pain and if we smile we can actually feel the endorphins flood our pain-filled flesh. That being said; we can never completely \"get over it\"...that is just not possible for the mom heart that God put in us.
Thank you for your ponderings.....I have enjoyed.....love and hugs...dale, brandon\'s mom
Right there with you, thank you!
Oh Jacq! I have almost written this same journal this week....change the names! My aunt Lucy entered paradise recently and it was her last wish to have her ashes scattered over the graves of her two baby girls....Judy and Betty. Judy had lived 11 months and Betty 3 days. Not once in my lifetime do I ever remember any family member talk about the babies! As I stood at the foot of those tiny graves last week I said a prayer of thanksgiving for all of you here at FMO. How lucky I am to have you all. How sad that my sweet aunt Lucy never had an FMO of her own....