A moment of clarity
How do I change for the better? How do I change the person I have been? My marriage is nearing what appears to be the end. I can't forget the betrayl or let go of it. I am a fixer my daily job is a mechanic. I am a giver and helper to others in a time of need. The one person I love and care for the most is the one I left behind to help all others or to go and be the fixer at work. I ignored the calls for help early on or in a vain effort to help I would minimize the situation and reduce it down to the point that in my world it just wasn't worth caring about. With little to no concern I would make decisions that affected the two of us without giving a second thought for her needs or wants. I felt that I was better at making quick decisions and that fast the plan was set. I thought I knew her best and I could not go wrong because I was her love and she was my love. I could have never been so wrong! I defeated the woman who promised me a lifetime together of unconditional love. While we were proud of and bragged to many of our friends that we never fought about anything and how compatible we were because we compromised and saw eye to eye on so many issues. We were made for each other! We completed each other! I am realizing now that the compromising was her backing down or caving into my desires. I don't know who she is today and without change and understanding I may never have the chance to know her closely. Far too long I have held a grudge against her for the choices she made to stray. I am begining to see why she made the choices and without regard for our marriage she made the decision to betray. While she may have had other avenues to pursue to meet unmet needs she made her choice and it is was made her feel the best and gave the most satisfaction. Understanding now that I made many decisions that gave me the most satisfaction with complete disregard to what our marriage needed to be healthy and satisfying.
I take full responsibilty of not heeding the warnings and there were many along with truly honest and open requests to seek help to start making repairs before a catastrophic event occured. I now see my leadership / dictatorship has brought us full circle. Her choice to seek out and get needs met that were going unmet in our marriage is her's and she has to live with that guilt and shame everyday. I see now though I too am forced to live with my own guilt and shame for beating down someone just asking or even pleading for my time. Instead I choose to take it for granted that forever meant my wife would always be there no matter how I treated her. How wrong I was!
Giving up is not an option. She is still here and I am hot and cold creating even more confusion adding to the already complex matter of her not knowing who she is. This may appear to others as me taking responsibilty of her A, let me say that I had no part in the choice she made to seek others for what she was not getting from me. This is a moment of clarity admitting that I was given many chances to correct unhappy moments in a 18 marriage and a total of 21 years being a couple. The warning shots were fired over and over again only to be ignored by a husband thinking that he knows whats best for himself, his wife and family.
As I look at myself in the mirror I should not be surprised by some of her actions. We both have made selfish decisions directly resulting in many hurts. To this point I viewed myself as a loving and giving husband doing what was right in my own eyes without consideration of the woman I vowed to love, honor and protect till death. I can honestly say that given the situation be reversed I am not sure I would have or could have endured the treatment I have dished out for so long as she has.
I am lost and she has told me how she is lost. She doesn't know who she is today nor known for a long time. One thing she knows for sure right now is that while she loves me any intimate feelings for me are gone. The safe person I was once no longer exists. I thought that was her way to excuse any bad choices in the past. I no longer think this is the case. I do believe she knows she cut me to the core and is sorry for that. While having lost her own identity in the face of years of sarcasm and ridicule how would anyone know what the right thing to do is?
My time to be the fixer in our marriage may be very near and I have to prepare for that harsh reality. I must begin the transformation immediatly. I must forgive her for what has happened and admit that the only person I have control over me. I must release the shame, guilt, anger for me to move forward and make one last ditch effort to rebuild, retrust. I feel she no longer respects me as her husband and that hurts quite possibly even more than the feeling of being betrayed. I have taken away her dignity and self worth and I wonder if that is her greatest hurt of all.
I want to forgive and must forgive! I am hopeful that no matter what the outcome someday she will be able to forgive me. I am not looking for pity or sympathy. I want to do what is right and treat the woman I so dearly love with the love and respect she is deserving of!!
I take full responsibilty of not heeding the warnings and there were many along with truly honest and open requests to seek help to start making repairs before a catastrophic event occured. I now see my leadership / dictatorship has brought us full circle. Her choice to seek out and get needs met that were going unmet in our marriage is her's and she has to live with that guilt and shame everyday. I see now though I too am forced to live with my own guilt and shame for beating down someone just asking or even pleading for my time. Instead I choose to take it for granted that forever meant my wife would always be there no matter how I treated her. How wrong I was!
Giving up is not an option. She is still here and I am hot and cold creating even more confusion adding to the already complex matter of her not knowing who she is. This may appear to others as me taking responsibilty of her A, let me say that I had no part in the choice she made to seek others for what she was not getting from me. This is a moment of clarity admitting that I was given many chances to correct unhappy moments in a 18 marriage and a total of 21 years being a couple. The warning shots were fired over and over again only to be ignored by a husband thinking that he knows whats best for himself, his wife and family.
As I look at myself in the mirror I should not be surprised by some of her actions. We both have made selfish decisions directly resulting in many hurts. To this point I viewed myself as a loving and giving husband doing what was right in my own eyes without consideration of the woman I vowed to love, honor and protect till death. I can honestly say that given the situation be reversed I am not sure I would have or could have endured the treatment I have dished out for so long as she has.
I am lost and she has told me how she is lost. She doesn't know who she is today nor known for a long time. One thing she knows for sure right now is that while she loves me any intimate feelings for me are gone. The safe person I was once no longer exists. I thought that was her way to excuse any bad choices in the past. I no longer think this is the case. I do believe she knows she cut me to the core and is sorry for that. While having lost her own identity in the face of years of sarcasm and ridicule how would anyone know what the right thing to do is?
My time to be the fixer in our marriage may be very near and I have to prepare for that harsh reality. I must begin the transformation immediatly. I must forgive her for what has happened and admit that the only person I have control over me. I must release the shame, guilt, anger for me to move forward and make one last ditch effort to rebuild, retrust. I feel she no longer respects me as her husband and that hurts quite possibly even more than the feeling of being betrayed. I have taken away her dignity and self worth and I wonder if that is her greatest hurt of all.
I want to forgive and must forgive! I am hopeful that no matter what the outcome someday she will be able to forgive me. I am not looking for pity or sympathy. I want to do what is right and treat the woman I so dearly love with the love and respect she is deserving of!!
Replies
Your time is not near, it is here. I\'m glad that you can see so clearly. Have you looked at the book I recommended? There are companion books as well, and the website for men will be a huge support for you. There are other men doing the same work, with experience and success on their side, who can help you move along the right path. You can help your wife, especially if you will share the book.and your understanding of it with her.
Celebrate! You are awake and on your way to something better :)
I just downloaded and starting your suggested book. Thanks for the encouragement. I can only hope to get my wife on board and read with me.
All you can do is make it safe for her to participate, the rest is up to her.
Here\'s a good question: does she have to stay with you? Has she no other choices? Unless that is the case, she\'s staying close by and waiting on safety so that she can re-engage with you. Then your job is to make room for her, make her safe, hold the door open so that she can follow you through.
To answer why she is still here and staying is unknown to me. I am about 80% thru The Verbally Abusive book and evenmore now I really question why she is still here. Although I am greatful she hasn\'t left. I do think if she wanted to go she would find a way to do it. She is very intelligent and resourceful a wonderful giving person that being displayed with sticking around thru all my bad behavior. You couldn\'t be more spot on that I need to give her the room to heal and create a safe environment for rebuilding. What a very difficult web that has been woven. This where the healing begins with me finding why I do the things I do to hurt the one I love and felt I was doing everything to help her. Along with our kids. Pretty sick and twisted way my mind can work in manipulating so many situations. Thanks you for your honesty and help.
Thank you for receiving my input so graciously. I feel hopeful for you. I hope you do as well. Even if you are not able to rebuild with your wife, you will go forward with a much healthier outlook on relationships. That has to be worth working for.