A Million Little Pieces
I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to make some semblance of a life anymore. I feel like my mind and heart have been shattered into a millions little pieces. I have been crying for weeks and I know Ed's 2nd Angel date is approaching and his birthday right after is part of it. As much as I am trying not to give power to dates they are here and it hurts.
This year would have been Ed's 40th birthday. He passed away at 37 only 18 days before his 38th birthday. Maybe it is because his ex Elaine got to have her 40th birthday last year and her 41st this past a week ago (she was a little older than Ed). And my ex husband's kids are going to be older than Ed in a few years. And all Ed's friends are turning 40. And Ed's son Josh cried last night and said, "Grammy, I had plans for Dad's 40th birthday and now they will never happen." I said, "Yes, Josh, you are right and there is nothing fair about that. You were robbed of so much."
I feel robbed and cheated and I know life isn't fair. But I am angry and tired. I hope tomorrow is better.
Thank you for listening. It helps to let it out because there is no one who understands what this is like for me except for all of you.
This year would have been Ed's 40th birthday. He passed away at 37 only 18 days before his 38th birthday. Maybe it is because his ex Elaine got to have her 40th birthday last year and her 41st this past a week ago (she was a little older than Ed). And my ex husband's kids are going to be older than Ed in a few years. And all Ed's friends are turning 40. And Ed's son Josh cried last night and said, "Grammy, I had plans for Dad's 40th birthday and now they will never happen." I said, "Yes, Josh, you are right and there is nothing fair about that. You were robbed of so much."
I feel robbed and cheated and I know life isn't fair. But I am angry and tired. I hope tomorrow is better.
Thank you for listening. It helps to let it out because there is no one who understands what this is like for me except for all of you.
Replies
Oh Linda, I hear you. I know the pain. It isn\'t right and it isn\'t fair and I can\'t understand why any of us have to go through this. It sounds like there is so much within you that is wrapped up in these milestones coming up...Eddie\'s Angel Day and Birth Day. I went into a very deep depression as Greg\'s graduation day came up this year and I realized one of the reasons was because I had been planning so much around that special day for so long....like Nora says, we have been cheated out of so much that we planned for and looked forward to. I had to go talk to a bereavement councilor because I was so low and it was scaring me. Once I talked with her, I realized the connection I had with Greg\'s graduation and how much of my future had been wrapped up in that event. It helped me immensely to see that. I guess every day, and every special day that comes, we are reminded that our lives are different now. It is so hard to continually re-invent ourselves over and over....my heart and love are with you now. I am holding you tight and sending you peace. Love, Anne
Dear Linda, you feel what each of us does, the loss of our future. When a child leaves this world, that child takes our future, too -- the things that should have been, the things we anticipated while raising that child, gone. And the person we would have been is gone, too. Now we are \"new\" in a way we don\'t want, hate, despair of, cry over. None of this is understandable, none of it is fair and it is the worst experience any of us could ever have. All these are things you know but hearing that you\'re not alone from so many who answered this is, I hope, of some small comfort. My heart to yours,
jill
I dreaded Mikes 2nd Angel date, I was depressed and lost. I also had to work, the girls at work were understanding they let me cry and walk around aimlessly. Try to find an inner strength, moms have one in reserve. It is so unfair and painful. Surround your self with things you love I know you must have loving memories to smile on....
Hold on tight. Big Hug Penny
\"Robbed and cheated\"--I know that feeling well Linda. For me, over the years that actually greatly lessened-- but in the beginning it was very, very difficult to reconcile. We have a loving Father... so \"why\" did He let this happen??? WHY???
If only that could be answered in this life...I had to have a type of \"emotional callous\" build up to shield me from the deep pain of the constant assaults. They do come left and right, front and center when you are first becoming \"aware\" of them--how can you not when they are seemingly THRUST in front of you...
The respite comes when the comparisons rescind a bit...I had to keep REFOCUSING because that was what kept my sanity-- in the midst of total mind numbing sadness. Eddie really IS happier and in a MUCH better place that makes any of these earthly celebrations just pale in comparison...and that is the God- Wonderful truth! Constantly practicing this refocus helps to bring about a much speedier pain decrease! Love you!
I\'m so sorry friend. I just celebrated A.J.\'s fourth birthday without him. I can say it is a little easier but that \"day\" is probably the hardest for me throughout the year. We want to celebrate their life with them here with us. We want to \"see\" them as we did the day they were born and we first laid eyes on them and bonded mother and son. Sending you prayers for strength and comfort as the day draws near and don\'t try to make any sense out of it because you only confuse yourself even more. Just grieve and hope that the sun comes out and the tears will dry. Ed would want that. Love to you. Robin
Nothing about any of this is \"fair\" and I know putting a voice to that feeling is what so unravels us on ocassions such as the ones you have looming large on your horizon. I am cradling your heart dear one and offer prayers of peace and comfort. Love Suzzanne
Love and hugs for you, Linda. I got through my Michael\'s 6th B/D yesterday and his 3 year Angel Day approaches in November and then those dreaded holidays for me. Michael died the Saturday before Thanksgiving, his favorite holiday of all. I am glad you are my friend and I am here for you. Once, a good friend told me that the \"days\" are just numbers and that I would not miss my son on those days any more than I do any other day of the year. I hang onto that when those days come around. Yes, they are especially poignant, but realistically, they are after all, just another day that we journey through. Together. Hugs, Belinda
I meant Michael\'s 36th birthday
I am so sorry that your are feeling this way. We have been cheated out of alot with the loss of our children. This is a club we didn\'t ask to join. I\'m with Nora, I want out to. Love and hugs to you, Angela