A Million Little Pieces
I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to make some semblance of a life anymore. I feel like my mind and heart have been shattered into a millions little pieces. I have been crying for weeks and I know Ed's 2nd Angel date is approaching and his birthday right after is part of it. As much as I am trying not to give power to dates they are here and it hurts.
This year would have been Ed's 40th birthday. He passed away at 37 only 18 days before his 38th birthday. Maybe it is because his ex Elaine got to have her 40th birthday last year and her 41st this past a week ago (she was a little older than Ed). And my ex husband's kids are going to be older than Ed in a few years. And all Ed's friends are turning 40. And Ed's son Josh cried last night and said, "Grammy, I had plans for Dad's 40th birthday and now they will never happen." I said, "Yes, Josh, you are right and there is nothing fair about that. You were robbed of so much."
I feel robbed and cheated and I know life isn't fair. But I am angry and tired. I hope tomorrow is better.
Thank you for listening. It helps to let it out because there is no one who understands what this is like for me except for all of you.
This year would have been Ed's 40th birthday. He passed away at 37 only 18 days before his 38th birthday. Maybe it is because his ex Elaine got to have her 40th birthday last year and her 41st this past a week ago (she was a little older than Ed). And my ex husband's kids are going to be older than Ed in a few years. And all Ed's friends are turning 40. And Ed's son Josh cried last night and said, "Grammy, I had plans for Dad's 40th birthday and now they will never happen." I said, "Yes, Josh, you are right and there is nothing fair about that. You were robbed of so much."
I feel robbed and cheated and I know life isn't fair. But I am angry and tired. I hope tomorrow is better.
Thank you for listening. It helps to let it out because there is no one who understands what this is like for me except for all of you.
Replies
Dear dear Linda, your loving mother heart WILL hurt forever. So much love = so much loss. I am so sorry for the exhaustion and the sorrow. May you all be a comfort to each other but please know that I and so many are always here for you. Never alone in this.
Much love, Sarah
I just feel so bad for you, and for Josh. I\'ve had grief going on nonstop since 2006, but not what you have been through. That is the worst. I think maybe you and Josh should think about having a tiny birthday that would both his earthly birthday and his Angel date. Just a small talk together, sharing good remembrances, and having his favorite goodie and a couple of lit candles. You can even make him cards and say what youwant to on them and put them on a favorite table in your house. That\'s just a small idea....what do I know.....you really need to go with your heart when those days come. We live in a fallen world and have to face so many unbelievable things. Jesus is our healer, I\'ll be praying for both of you to feel his loving arms around you. God bless always,
Becky
We do understand...and we love you...and I am so sorry that your heart is so heavy. You are such a sweet and loving soul. And right now...you do not know how to go on...but just get through the day...and tomorrow will somehow be better...I just know it. We never know how long the lows will last...but I just know that they do lighten...hang on for that time...holding your hand Linda...love you...Karen
Oh Linda ~ I so hear you. I\'m just now recovering from the exhausting and draining move from Vegas to Seattle, compounded by Corrie\'s 2nd angel day on July 27th. For the month leading up to it I was feeling unusually angry, resentful, sad, confused ~ all of those horrid negative emotions with which we are so familiar. Even now, I feel residual resentment when I encounter people who seem to be more \"takers\" than \"givers\" to the world (Corrie was a total \"giver\") who are allowed to continue to walk this earth, while our precious, wonderful, ray of light Corrie is not. At times like this, even knowing and resting in the assurance that her being is intact and that she continues to bless wherever she is simply is not enough ~ I miss her and want her back so badly my entire being aches.
But ~ I will say that I am beginning to re-emerge and to continue my upward journey towards a stronger sense of healing and joy.
We are all right here with you in these difficult days leading up to Ed\'s angel and earth birth days. You will find your way back to the plateau of healing you have struggled so valiantly to attain ~ and then some!
Take gentle care, dear Linda ~ we are here.
Sending so much love and hugs of tenderness to you and Ed ~ Debbie
Linda, All I can say is take care of yourself. When I actually say it aloud that Jeff will have been gone this September 7th - 6 years. I get mad all over again and this past June 28 Jeff would have been 40. All his friends that he graduated turned 40 and my son-in-law\'s birthday is in September and he will be 40. Jeff and my son-in-law were best friends. That is how my daughter met her husband because of them being friends.
I hope tomorrow will be better for you too.
Nell
Linda, I know how hard these days can be. My heart is with you and I am here for you anytime. I know how much this hurts and it is so true that it just is not fair. This hurt drains so much from us. I am saying a prayer for you and praying that tomorrow will be a little bit lighter for you. Love, Kim
DEAR LINDA; I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH MY DAUGHTERS BIRTHDAY WAS LAST MONDAY 8/8/11 AND SHE HAS BEEN GONE ALMOST 9 YEARS ON JAN,18,2012. THINGS DO GET BETTER BUT BIRTHDAYS, HOLIDAYS, GET TOGETHERS ARE NEVER THE SAME AGAIN. THERE IS A WONDERFUL LITTLE BOOK CALLED WHEN YOUR CHILD DIES BY THERESA M. HUNTLEY. IT WILL HELP YOU SO MUCH I USED TO CARRY IT WITH ME. IT LETS YOU KNOW ALL THESE HORRIBLE FEELINGS YOU ARE HAVING RIGHT NOW THE TURMOIL THE ANXIETY OVER LOOSING YOUR CHILD. THE FIRST 4 YEARS I FELT JUST LIKE YOU. I FELT SOMEDAYS I WAS GOING CRAZY. I ENDED UP SEEING A SHRINK AND TAKING MEDICATION I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR ANGEL JEFF ALL OF IT IS SO CONFUSING. IT WAS FOR ME AND NOW IT IS THE UNKNOWN. BUT YOU WILL GET BETTER AND THE TURMOIL AND FEELINGS GOING UP AND DOWN DO SETTLE DOWN. BUT TRY TO GET THAT BOOK IT MIGHT HELP YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE DEATH OF A CHILD. LOVE MARY ANN
I have wrote this twice and somehow have hit something near the end to delete the message. I will try one more time. Lately I have only glanced at the message on FMO but yours this evening made me want to reach across the computer and give you a tight hug. Our life has been turned upside down. It is totallly unfair to take our children. We are sad and lost without them. We need to find our way. Yesterday was Cory\'s 34th birthday. What is helpful to me when a day approaches that may be difficult I make plans in advance. So yesterday I planned on doing something special at the Hospice House. I volunteered in Cory\'s honor and for myself. I feel good when I can see a smile or can brighten someones day. I see that I am not alone in my pain and sorrow. I feel a resolve when I can be beside a patient or their family. I feel their pain, their fear. I can relate to them without telling them but I sense a calmness. I was there once. Let me share your experience. It comforts them and heals me. What is helpful for me is not magic for everyone but worth trying. If you know your day is going to be hard, make plans. Do something different like go to the zoo, get a fishing pole to relax along the beauty of the water, twirl around the merry-go-round at the park, hula hoop, (it makes you laugh) better yet bake some chocolate chip cookies and dunk them in milk. If there are any left, take them to a neighbor and brighten their day. It is surprising how happy a single flower in a mayo jar can be. Again, I so wish I could do something to take away your saddness. I wish I could come over and be with you to listen to you, hold your hand or cry with you. If only we were close enough... Please know I will be thinking of you this evening, tomorrow, on Ed\'s birthday. I am sure you have many moms that are all going to try to send positive energy your way. Please continue to post if you need to. Love to you, Peggy
I just sent your message and the radio started playing Mustang Sally. You know I started singing and dancing. It just perked me up. Try singing and dancing. So what if you look silly and sound terrible. I am laughing at myself at this moment. It feels good. Peggy, again.
I can\'t comprehend the loss of a child, but the many losses I have had are still wounds that never healed. Sometimes we have to accept that life is about pain. It\'s not fair, and it feels like it will never get any better. But we do go on, it\'s what we humans have done for hundreds of thousands of years.
You are not alone in your grief, we stand with you. Sometimes I wonder why I go on, it seems pointless to live alone with no future. They taught us at Hope Hospice that no one knows the future, and it is usually not what we thought it would be.
So hang on, life always has surprises. It may not be a lot better, but it will probably be better than these low spots we go through.
Linda, you are a special person with great perception about others....your social work is not only a job but done from the heart...a heart while still broken always reaches out to help others....such as me and other moms and those recipients of what you do everyday....God bless you as you now need all of us to surround you with that special love and comfort from our hearts....the love you so freely give to all. Please remember that our sons are working and playing and worshipping together in a wonderful, colorful and pleasant place called heaven. Two years seems like a long time...or not at all...even like yesterday..fresh and raw....wishing and hoping it never happened....God bless you always...I send you my special squeeze hug...love, dale...brandon\'s mom
I\'m not sure I can add anything to the above comments. There are bits from each one that I would have said as well. I understand the pain you are going thru, but not completely. I cannot even imagine losing my only child, my only son. But you are so blessed to have a part of him still with you in your two grandchildren. Michael was single, in the process of getting back together with his girlfriend. He talked about eventually getting married and having children. I was robbed of that, robbed of a grandchild that would have been part of him. I understand your feelings of being robbed which are compounded by Josh\'s feelings. So heartbreaking. I will pray that you both find a way to remember Ed\'s birthday. Some way that will help you both get thru the day and feel Ed connecting with you. Feel the love. Michael died after being in a diabetic coma for four days. So I donate to Juvenile Diabetes Research in the amount of his would-be age for his birthday. Or maybe write a note and release it tied to a balloon. The important thing is to be together, to share. Love will liberate you from your sadness. love and peace, Roselle
You are doing it dear Linda... just this moment. I understand your deep sorrow and longing for your beloved Ed. You are right, none of this is okay and you have been cheated in the worst way possible. I\'ve been thinking about you a lot lately and just want you to be as gentle with yourself as you can be.
I remember vividly the reality of that second angel anniversary that I had indeed \"survived\" all the firsts yet the deep reality that Doug was no longer coming home seeped into my heart. I suspect this may be some of what you may be feeling as well. I\'m with you and I care and I will light my candle today for ALL of the moms on FMO who carry so much. Loving care to you my beautiful friend. XO Joanie
Cheated, I feel cheated..I guess not only do we share the long horrid journey, but we also belong to the \"cheated club\"...I want out!! love you..Nora
So sorry Linda you are feeling so down. It is all so unfair, yes you\'ve all been robbed... When Ava gets sad about her daddy, we have a good cry, tell each other how unfair it is and then we question, what can we do for daddy now that he\'s gone? Well, I\'m afraid the only answer is try to be happy cause that\'s the only thing that would make him happy. Easier said than done I know. Ed\'s birthday should be a day to celebrate his life, I hope and pray that you find a way of easing the pain, it\'s not easy. Just know that we\'re all here thinking of you and Ed and his children. Love, Suzannah