A Memory

Yesterday, Monday, I decided to start the day with 2 intentions. First of all, and most important, I was going to choose to be positive and happy throughout the day. I would look for the light in everyone and everything and be happy. I also decided I would eat well, a step in the direction I have needed to go for both my health and general well-being. I failed at both.
I drove past a dog...a dog who had apparently been run over. No matter the reason, the dog was not of this world anymore. Immediately I understood that the dog was better now, the dog was happier and healthier now. I was sure Cassi had greeted him. It all comes back to Cassi for me.
One day in her senior year of high school, before her depression had really sat in and began it's attack, my child came home from school crying. Cassi did not cry very often, it must be bad, I thought. She went on to explain that on her way to school she was running a bit late and had passed a dog near a bridge and it had worried her. She considered going back and picking him up and taking him home, we were always taking in strays. But she was running late and didn't. When she drove home that afternoon she saw the carcass of the deceased dog on the bridge. 
She was hysterical...as she explained it to me, she had had a hard time deciding what to wear that morning and it had put her behind schedule. Through her tears she referred to her "vanity" as being to blame for the dog's death. 
I held her. I didn't know what to do or say. My baby was torturing herself, blaming herself, calling herself "vain". There was no one more humble about her physical appearance than Cassi. She was very confident of her intelligence, her sense of humor, her moral compass...but she had been called fat and ugly by her classmates her whole life...her whole life. No matter how much I and her other loving family members told her how beautiful she really was...her peers did not see her as we did, and were very cruel. 
I remember taking her and friends to the beach, seeing other girls and some of her friends parading around in bikinis without a care in the world and not a clue about what it must be like for someone overweight. I bought Cassi's swimsuits from the adult section, various "slimming" suits that didn't really work. She still wore a cover-up and tried to have fun, but was so self-conscience...I cried and cried...from time to time we would try different diets. Sometimes she would lose weight, sometimes not. Either way, it was ALWAYS an issue...there was never the happy-go-lucky care-free attitude exuded by the bikini-clad girls.
Years later, she would get the lap-band surgery for weight loss. She lost 80 pounds in six months. She was at the best weight she had been since she was a toddler. However, now there was a lot of loose skin. I thought her youth, her young supple skin would respond better to the rapid weight loss than it did...who knows, maybe it did. Maybe it would have been worse had she been older.
I should have been more strict. I couldn't control my own eating, how could I eat what I wanted and force her to eat grilled chicken and green beans??? I don't know, but I should have.
Okay, now for the upside...these memories and emotions had been churning in my mind and heart...I had to run to Wal-Mart for office supplies...on the way out an old, beat up truck slowly rolled past me with some sort of black lab mix in the front seat. The window was half down and he had his head sticking out, his nose sniffing the air, smiling his doggy smile, happy. That made me happy. I needed it. Thank YOU GOD and Thank You Cassi!