A memory

So today I had a memory that brought me to my knees...I want to share it here...but sisters, please, please don't tell mi it'[s not my fault, I couldn't have known, I meant well...or anything like that. I am not seeking comfort, I am confessing a huge mistake and no one else will understand...
So last August I had not heard from Cassi in 3 days, she wasn't answering my calls or texts and I was getting frantic. Her friends wouldn't talk to me. I finally found out from the grandmother of one of her friends what was going on. She had overdosed on Klonopin, was found by a roommate and taken to the hospital and put in the psychiatric ward. Because she was of age the hospital did not notify me, her friends were afraid of making her mad...She lived 100 miles away in Pensacola. We took off, my husband and I...by the time we got to the hospital, the visiting hours were over. I was so hysterical I basically collapsed in the lobby...someone called and got special permission for me to see her for 5 minutes. So I followed a nurse, stepped into a room and Cassi was sitting there in a chair with a smirk on her face. My tears dried up and I went into a cold, silent rage as she told me "it was no big deal" and laughed...She was released the next day with a brand new diagnosis, Borderline Personality Disorder, and new prescriptions, including  a higher dose of Klonopin.
So...we did research and for a short while had some hope...the demon had a name so we could fight it, right?? No, it's extremely difficult to treat. At some point she made friends with a girl on the internet in Canada. She made a trip in November...she told me very little, but she seemed happy so...I took what I could get. One day, I got a frantic call from her friend Hayley...telling me Cassi was in very bad shape in Canada...that I needed to make contact and make her talk to me. Hayley forwarded the e-mail to me that Cassi had sent her and it was indeed terrifying. She seemed to be at her wits end and on the verge of suicide. I called Cassi and confronted her...she tried to tell me Hayley was overreacting and used her phrase "it's no big deal".
Well, I was tired...exhausted...I had worried non-stop, tried to get her thru one day at a time for so long...I just tried to talk her thru the bad days. I had a moment like I had had at the hospital. I was mad, so mad...either she was being melodramatic for attention, or, trying to downplay the destruction caused by seeing the words of your child wanting to die. I had tried so much, I tried reverse psychology...I told her I couldn't take it anymore...if she was going to do it, then do it...and that I was going to do it as well.
It scared her...she changed her flight, spending $500 and came back early because she said she was worried about me...BUT...even thought she had a few more days off work and I was only 2 hours away, she didn't even come home to see me. So I tried tough love again...I sent her the $500 (I knew she couldn't afford to lose that) and I told her I needed a break from her. I felt she took me for granted and needed to "get her head outta her ass". I told her if there was a problem to call her Daddy. It was torture...I had chased her, cried for her, begged her...I wanted to make her come to me. A few days in, it was my birthday, November 21st. I got a text from her..."Happy Birthday, Momma". It was one of the saddest days of my life, up until then. I wanted to text her back SO BAD...but I wanted to teach her a lesson, so I didn't. 
Eventually I gave in and we were talking again before February 2, but she was keeping a lot from me, I had no idea what was going on in her life, the downward spiral she was in. The Friday before...I had not heard from her in 3 days...so I called her at work...she sounded good, told me all was well and I fell for it. Two days later, Sunday, was when we got the call... she was gone, life as I knew it, or wanted it, was over.
This story got stuck in my head today...how I wasted so much time trying to teach her a lesson she never learned, what I would do to get that time back, and Oh Dear God, why didn't I answer my birthday text...I'll never get another one.

Replies

Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Holding this space with you dearest Gina and am honoring your need for me to do just that...

Understanding with my full heart the kind of torment this can bring a mother.

With you and caring~
Heartfelt (((hugs))) and love,
Joanie
forhim1122
forhim1122

Gina, I\'m not sure if this helps or not but here goes - I see Gina\'s BPD diagnosis no different than my son\'s brain cancer. So little does medicine truly resolve these diseases, so little can a mother stop the inevitable from happening. The disease continues to march on, and our babies are eventually silenced. Cassie could no more manage this disease, and neither could you stop the eventual demise of your daughter because of the impact of this powerful disease. I will say this - I often beat myself up over the \'what ifs\' on how we might have discovered the brain cancer earlier to used the right clinical trial, or what I should have done to make him more comfortable had I known he was DYING for goodness sake, but my guilt and concerns are absolutely no different than yours. I truly believe Cassie\'s BPD was no less life threatening than brain cancer, but there was little to nothing you could have done to alter the eventual result. It\'s a horrific thing that it keeps swirling around my brain - the would haves or should haves. Just know that it wouldn\'t have mattered. Your Cassie and my Seth both had an early destiny to Heaven, because of their diseases. Hugs, Patti
jmk1973
jmk1973

Honoring your request, I offer no advice. Just know you are loved and cared for and we understand...

(((HUGS)))...Julia
Jasons1mom
Jasons1mom

I as well will honor your request and understand the desire for no \"platitudes\". What I will offer is my hand and heart and ears.
Tightest of hugs, Merrilee
CFMOM2
CFMOM2

Understanding so much of the what if\'s. Love and peace, Kathy
BinkyH
BinkyH

It is good to unload and tell our memories and stories to others who don\'t have anything to offer but understanding and love.
Peace to you.
babiboismom
babiboismom

Gina ~ both of my sons passed away from drug overdose. My youngest son Chad overdosed on his prescription Klonopin. My other son Jeremy OD on methadone. One was diagnosed bipolar, the other one was diagnosed schizzoeffective. Being a young adult with a mental issue is so difficult & if they abuse their meds that adds to the stress. Some are fortunate enough to become stable....others are not. It\'s a nightmare for us moms to know what to do. When my youngest son Chad was in he hospital at 14 yrs old for major depression with schizzophrenic tendencies, his psychiatrist told us something that surprised us. She said the when a young person us diagnosed with a brain disorder parents tend to baby them. She said actually they need more structure & even some tough love.

As a parent of sons with unstable brain chemistry I know I made mistakes too.
I just wanted you to know.....I understand.
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

No advice from me Gina. Cassi and Lisa are together comparing notes.
Love and big caring hugs,
Marlene
RememberKala
RememberKala

I love you.
I love Cassi.

I\'m so damn sorry for all of it~~~
NoraMc
NoraMc

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
laurim45
laurim45

My last conversation with my son was a huge argument over my parenting of my daughter...she has issues beyond my scope and I had lost my patience. He told me that It was nasty how I spoke to her and he left in his car spinning tires. I saw him again a week later on Thanksgiving and he came without his son. I believe it was a punishment. Finally he left saying he would be right back..he did come back, with his son, and said pointedly,\"Phoenix needs to spend time with his Uncles!\". He did not speak directly to me that day. No one but me noticed. It was so painful. My worst Thanksgiving ever. He was dead 2 days later. No platitudes from me, Gina. It is what it is. I do know what you mean..it does bring us to our knees. Daily.....Lauri
deleted_user
deleted_user

One small \"failure\" done in an emotional daze and exhaustion; one mis-step that how many other mothers have taken (and worse! much worse) without tragedy? Oh you are going to beat yourself to a bloody pulp over every self perceived failure, I know this because I\'ve done it, I still do it, thank God I\'m learning one thing, for real: \"another day, another way\". You don\'t want advice, I\'m not offering it, I\'m echoing your self condemnation, validating how you feel without validating the TRUTH of that feeling because it is not true. That\'s what you have to learn. You fought hard and long, so did I. Ultimately, no one has control over another.
saltwatercowgirl
saltwatercowgirl

Oh Gina, I AM SO SO SORRY.....Just to turn our minds off sometimes would be a blessing....Memories can bring smiles OR memories can torment us - TODAY I am sending you hugs and much love and I pray a moment of peace on this horrible journey. ((((((hugs))))))) Vicki,