a love letter to my need

This is my challenge...

I don't understand how people do it at times, I woke up this morning - so much in the 'flow' of things

was not really thinking about others - I played with Blue and then I went to Starbucks -

I came home and was so not thinking outside of my immediate "flow

of life" and as such I was ungrounded - it just took a kind of grappling hold of myself, my senses (I had to tell myself get a hold of yourself) and just got started to thinking about relationships... It helped ground me. And then I did busy things

around the house, wash the dishes, take out the trash, fold the laundry and clean the litter box.

Went grocery shopping - came home - put it all away and then a took rest and sat on the couch and ate some cheese

and broccoli. The intensity is building up again - I feel a mix of need and nausea because I have so much

need. It's like the communication switchboard within me (in my mind) - is 'out of order' so I can't provide for all

that I need at times and also there's some kind of excessive need that could never be provided for enough no matter what.

I think it's a symptom of my condition - 

Ok deep breaths and next is Christmas shopping.

I hope you guys are doing ok today. So much time alone for me today - and at times like these I become blind to

some things within me - have to remind myself to not just take care of the practicalities of workaday life

but also have to deal with my "animal." I suppose in that light it makes sense that I need a little

relief and care since I have been so active all morning??. And so a love letter...

For some reason I tell myself that the little nuances of my interactions along the way (like this morning)

mean something more about myself than just casual 'blips of courtesies of life' things that they actually are.

I'm thinking about Sensitive how she has to deal with politics at her job - 

and I thinking about my own dealing with things/politics at my job. I am thinking about how

Chris talked about his complications with work as well. Uncomfortable stuff happens

with the others we work with or with clients as well...and that can derail us with an

obsessive consideration of them - that they might mean something about ourselves- the world - or even just create sadness - rather than thinking about them with a 'push back' to frame it for ourselves

in a positive light - but in a light that helps us get on our way and feel good about things or even just ok, about ourselves

and back on the path of your day.

Anyways, I am trying - I'll go Christmas shopping now. I think I'll take a shower first.

I want to be squeaky clean! Sending xxoo love and prayers,

Mark