A LOT of more writing.

Okay so I just sent Joanna an extremely ridiculous long email. It had everything from yesterday's journals plus what is below. Yes I know in various things I am completely calling the kettle black. No need to tell me that.

Like I said earlier, A LOT went on in my mind yesterday. This is an addition to that thing that I wrote that I had NEVER told ANYONE about...
It is very hard for me to even possibly think that this could be true. Maybe it's not. Maybe I just created this shit in my head. But then again I remember examples so clearly. My boyfriend buying me hershey kisses for everyday that we were apart (long distance)...and then me wanting them all at once. Getting trail mix with a lot of chocolates in it from the bins at Wegmens and sitting in my room picking at everything and only eating the chocolate. Taking a jar full of peanut butter, putting large spoonfuls in my mouth just to get the taste. Buying certain things (cereals, granola, snacks) and only eating certain parts of it. Granola- I would only eat the big clusters. Cereals I would only eat the full flakes, none that were broken in pieces. Pretzels, I would only eat the broken ones and then the salt at the bottom. Kit Kats/Peanut Butter Cups/any chocolate covered bar, I would only eat the chocolate on the outside and not the inside. Even with M&M's, I would buy the peanut or almond ones...eat the chocolate and spit out the nuts. Ice cream- eat only the cookie dough or actual fruit that is in it.


Actually- I still do a lot of this. Not the huge amounts though. With the snacks, I still only eat pretzels/cereal/granola in that specific way. Same with the chocolate snacks. Except now after I eat just the certain chocolate part- I usually spit it out after I got the taste so it doesn't all go in. Same with other foods- I pick so fucking much. Like those wraps- always pick them. Sandwiches- pick off certain things. Blot chicken with paper towels to avoid getting the grease. Even rinsing out sauteed veggies I cooked with oil/sauce and blotting them to get extra unneeded fat out of it.
Wow, stuff just keeps coming out of my head. I do this shit to so many things, I never really thought about it. Fuck maybe I am screwed up. Maybe that's why I hate going to my parent's because they are watching me and I cannot pick out various things. I am really fucked up- holy shit. What the hell am I doing!?
-------------------something else I wrote yesterday-------------------------
Ed. Why does every single person refer to their eatingdisorder as Ed? He’s not a person. It bothers me so much that everyoneconstantly says, ‘Ed told me to do this. Ed is constantly in my head sayingthat I am fat…I eat too much…I am not good enough.” This bothers the livinghell out of me. Why does it bother me so much, because it sounds as thoughpeople are blaming their eating disorder on fucking Ed. To me it just seemslike an easy excuse. It’s just another way to pawn off your eating disorder tosomething else. How is someone going to learn to accept responsibility of theireating disorder if they constantly blame it on Ed? Yes maybe it is your mindsaying something to you, but guess what??? It is YOUR mind, NOT someoneelse’s. So wake up, smell the coffee beans, and snap your ass into gear. YOU need to work on your shit.
Yes I know I should not be talking because I am one thatdoes not tend to accept responsibility, but I’m not talking to this imaginarything in my head called Ed. Yes I have constant arguments going on in my head,but that’s my mind. I know this is completely wrong of me to write this and Iam calling the kettle black, but it just came out of me.
--------------last thing I wrote----------------
As time goes on I continuously find new content (fromvarious sources) that is intriguing to me as I try to use it to increase myknowledge regarding eating disorders, etc. I do find it interesting thoughbecause as I read more I feel that my eating disorder is not that big of adeal. I read symptoms, signs, serious cases, people being hospitalized multipletimes and going in and out of recovery constantly, and I don’t feel as though Iam anywhere near that. It’s not that bad. Yes I have had an eating disorder,but I don’t see it right now. There are so many people out there that are worsethan me, people with tragic pasts that have eating disorders. I have nothinglike that. My story is not horrible like that. It is nothing compared to theamount that others suffer. In fact, I don’t even feel like I can say that Isuffer enough. I don’t believe that I have a good enough reason to have aneating disorder. Perhaps I don’t even have one. Maybe it’s just me wanting tolose a few pounds. Maybe I have other issues which make it seem like I have aneating disorder. Or maybe I am just talking crap. I think the most realisticreasoning behind all that I have just written is plain and simple. I want todeny it. I do not want to face reality. I want to pretend everything is perfectand wonderful. Aka...I don't want to accept responsibility I suppose.