a lot of moaning and griping......someone stop me!!!!

words were dancing through my head earlier......felt mentally inspired to sit here and write something, but brain fog pulled me away into the nearness of brain fog.  a constant companion for so manyh of us.

i don't know, do i have anything to say?  it's been a rough week.......sick and sicker are battling it out like gobots.  action figure gobots.  one day i did go get the brakes fixed and then to bible study.....after bible study i spoke to my friend.......spoke, hell......i groused.  all the bubbling anxiety, anger.....irritation and too much time alone came spewing up......and outta my mouth.

not proud, just trying to keep my self honest on this journey........haven't been this wonky in a while and it's been hard.  on the body, the mind........the spirit of this odd little penguin duck hybrid.  see i'm walking like a combo of the two of late.......i haven't missed that walk at all.

i made it to the end of the driveway.....had to stop and change hands cause the two trash bags seemed like insurmountable bricks .......but my feet made it up and down the hill.......several stops each way.......who am i trying to kid?  i am under the influece of chronic disabling illness.  why didn't i just back my car down the driveway and save the aggravation?  cause i don't wanna admit that i'm that close to being sicker and sicker .......i had a great month in may.  truly, deeply, inspiring.........feeling so good that i bought a pass to swim.  haven't been able to go since july 4th........feel the self pity gathering just like this constant rain, thunder and lightning.  global warming is my guess......

floudering in this sea of words.  can i stay on track?  find my way........be a person?  be more than the disease?  can't help but look up to the heavens for an answer.  how many times have i wondered why no one could tell us along the way.......about how it is with people sick like us?  i think i sort of blamed the "invisible them" for not telling me/us more about how to deal with this........how to navigate and cope with the highs, the lows, the middling ways of illness forever. 

so silly, see the "invisible them" is really the "invisible us"........too sick to write the books that could be out there on the shelves to guide each other along the way.......if we had the strength to do the books we would have, at least i like to think so.............maybe not.  maybe the limited fair weather moments we receive are meant for simply being in the moment........to grab some sunshine, butterflies and rainbows as we can.  to save them up in a pretty box for the days that truly frighten all within this pandora spectrum of lifelong disease.

when i was feeling reallly good.....gardening almost daily.......i almost forgot what this was like.  the mind's ability to protect us is incredible.......sigh, i'm leaning to the right......aching for bed again.  aching to be in it, aching to not need it so much.....aching for people.  sorry, i am so lost today.......lost and confused.

in the parking lot after bible study i told debbie what was truly in my stupid head........why didn't i just shut up, say good night and shove off?  but no, i told her i didn't understand why the leader of the study didn't have all of us read the text......as she is a loud talker to begin with and it agitated my illness and my selfish mean streak.....hidden inside the core.....of my own sinful humanity.  i wanted to hit mute every time she talked......and strangled the english language.......

then the couple, the married couple, she talks over him and he backs up, the familiar look of being shushed by his mate showing all save his wife how much he resents and yet gives up this futile fight........he just gives us and lets her take over.  during the study she writes endlessly in her notebook apparently having her own bible study without any of us.......he, the hubby makes little comments throughout.......little snibbly snibely snobbly comments.  the leader refers to the first church leaders as "deacons" and he objects.  he doesn't like titles like deacons, or any reference like that being made........he is incapable of overlooking the idea that she is using this verbage because it is simply what she is familiar with and as such she also uses it to move the conversation along.  she is not making any kind of political statement.........but he is.  about all sorts of things......which leads us into a new direction.....about semantics gone wild.  he is overly touchy and she is not touchy enough..........she looks lost and he looks irritated.......so the quiet lady on the end makes a funny wry remark that makes everything alright.  she is a diffuser........good on her.  she made a witty remark, only a few words, but all is well in the world again and we can continue this hour of study.  such as it is.......

i find it so irritating and then realize on the drive home it's no wonder i have so few friends in the real world as i am a judgy hyperciritcal so and so of litttle character.......and even less integrity.  i also realized that pain was making me montstersize my symptoms and not take in how i really should not have left the house.  ......see, i am not taking full accountability........the pain made me do it.  get over yourself ruthie.........you were lonely and you wish with all your heart that the world was different.  i was wishing that we could have just talked, person to person.......about stuff......apply the bible text to what and who we are........to give us goals, to gain understanding about ourselves and hopefully to gain inspiration to become better......deeper, more alive moment to moment.......not clogged in a drain of irritation or pity or anger or anxiety.

what am i talking about?  i don't know.......sara called me back.......and i fell apart.  i was crying.......i felt so awful you see. and so alone and it was a really bad day......i kept apologizing for my behavior, my tears that is........and then later i wondered where did i go wrong?  as a mom i mean.......when she was ill, scared, afriad, unsure, uncertain......i would comfort her, protect her.....hold her, speak softly and reassuringly to her.  i think i needed that from someone and she was the one on the phone that day.  she didn't do that........she accepted my behavior and kept her voice bright......light......and yet never once did she say it's ok mom, today is just a tough day, you'll be alright.

but then, maybe she doesn't think that?  that things will be......alright that is.  i just don't know.  she is back in full speed mode of too much to do, not enough hours in the day and her arm is all messed up again.  it's the same arm that underwent surgery a year ago and the pain is so high that it keeps her up at night.  her hubby is also sick, as yet undiagnosed and he has lost a lot of weight very fast.........the docs are in the process of figuring things out.  unsure what is it, could it be celiac disease........could it be this or that?  we don't know yet.......and then there is the constant delay as one navigates insurance codes and insurance people and the long time it takes to get the pain truly looked at.......figured out with a plan in place.  it all takes too long. it doesn't seem acceptable to me at all........i am too tired to picket.......but i think i should make a large paper sign and get out there and march in a circle for better health care.

for all of us........

my glands are so bloody inflamed..........this is a catch 22 time. well enough to sit here and do the gripe and type.  oh bloody hell.....why do i feel such a need to grouse and curse and be a kooky self righteous so and so.  do you know what i did the other day?  i opened the frig door and announced to the eggs and potatoes and sweet corn and well every one in side the refrigerated space that i am a mess, a loser, a user and so on and so forth.  i said it loud enough so that even the light buld would hear and call me out as a fraud.......but as always the frig and all of it's contents were silent. today the security alarm girl talked to me and i absent mindedly thought i need to give her a name.......as she is one of the few voices i hear.  my sinuses hurt.  my joints hurt.  my ill tempered attitude hurts and is relatively pointless.  this condensed version of blobby old anger is sort of silly really........it doesn't really help, not me, not you, not the trees nor of course anything inside my frig.

but what did i do today that was good?  i showered.......thank God!  i folded cotton that's been siting in the dryer for a few days.  i emptied the dishwasher.......got the trash to the curb.  i baked meatballs......then simmered them in some bbq sauce.  i made a scallopped potato casserole, which could be ok or could end up in the trash.........we'll see.  i shucked corn..........yes you heard me, i SHUCKED corn......and then removed a lot of corn silk from the ears before dropping then in gently boiling water.  i ate some leftover mashed potatoes, baby peas and had a few of the meatballs for dinner........followed by jaw pain, intestinal cramping and a feeling that a farm animal kicked me in the lower back...............after i spent an hour or two recuping from the activity and the subsequeent reaction i ate ice cream.  yes, i did.  had some chocolate marshmallow plus some pistachio almond.  is it my fault that my foray into the store led me to the ice cream aisle again?  and on this day they had blue bell pints priced at ten for ten dollars.  normally a half gallon of pistachio almond is $7 .....out of my price range.......but at ten for ten i could and i did get some of that crazy light sweet confectionary delight.......the chocolate marshmallow is a good foil and together they are so yummy.  then i had a tiny little tub of skinny pop popcorn.........sweet and salty. 

i cut up orange slices earlier and haven't eaten any of them today.  i am outta control and i know it.  do you do this sometimes?  you normally stay on the straight and narrow more or less nutritionally but then you go awol......indulging yourself even though your body can't take too much of that kind of indulgence.  i don't really like scallopped potatoes, but i had like 8 big potatoes in the frig and i though uh oh, you'd better use some of them somehow.  i baked them for 45 minutes like the recipe said, but the taters were still not cooked all the way through.  it's a simple recipe, you thin slice idaho potatoes, then sprinkle them with flour, salt and pepper....add a layer of shredded cheese and repeat until your dish is full........then you pour in some skim milk.......and bake at 350 degrees for the 45 minutes.  that was not enough time for my oven........or the potatoes anyway.  so i put them back in for another 30 minutes.....hopefully they are done now.  but i still don't really want to eat them.  maybe if i add bacon to them it will peak my interest more?  or ham.......not that i have any. 

ok, well i have wandered from attitudes to frig's to self pity to pain and back again.  i remembered to bring in the mail.......and being clean is a huge plus.  fibro pain is awful.  cfs gland pain is awful.........my mental attitude is not so great either.  perhaps my spewing this internal lava up and out it will rid me of the demons?  of being sick for a long long time........the self pity and well all of the negatives that have been collecting like weeds in my garden for weeks now.

i am sneezing, blowing my hose, convince that i am allergic to my own house........and wishing i were human enough to deserve being around people cause i really do miss people.........living alone has not helped me acclimate to being alone as one might think.....no that's wrong, being alone so much is not helping me acclimate to the time when i am out of the house.........i can't seem to make sense of my thoughts.......pray for me, and please know that i do and will continue to pray for you.  your sinning little wonky bird sitting on a phone line in georgia.........are you as tired as me??????????  love you............very much.