A LITTLE PILE OF DIRT

Mon. Night, July 28:  I have been attempting to clean my laundry room.  Now some of you with neat, tidy, laundry rooms probably won't understand.  This, not so large, room has my washer/dryer, an old metal closet kind of thing, my upright freezer, a file cabinet, an old chest of drawers, a set of shelves, a used-to-be liquor cabinet (the boys took the back off to break into my LOCKED cabinet...I really tried), another set of shelves, decorated with things the boys did in art, a bag of boxes, a train I had when I was 6, and more JUNK than you can imagine.  And dirt.   However, there is one little bit of dirt that is of meaning.  It is a coffee can full of old coffee grounds, now turned mostly to dirt, that Scott had been saving to put in a garden.  I have looked at that can for over a year now and thinking, "I need to throw that out."  I just couldn't.  Tonight I looked at it and it occured to me....I will take that can of grounds/dirt and put it on Scott's grave.  Somehow, I think, that will be alright.  Why on Earth did it take over a year to come to that conclusion??!?!!?  It was strange...it just all of a sudden popped in my head.  So, tomorrow, I will take that can and empty it on Scott's grave and talk to him just a little bit. Someone from Compassionate Friend's called me tonight.  I have not been in months.  She lost her son 4 years ago in a car accident.  Anyway, I thought it was very nice for her to call and check on me.  I am planning on going to the mtg. in Aug.  The problem has been a lot of my counseling sessions have been on the same day and I can only stand so much emotion at a time, Chris has been unable to go with me-he is still my support in that area, and sometimes American Idol was on.  Yes, I am an Idol addict.  It is one of the few things I still enjoy and I will not give that up unless I really need to.  I have to take pleasure when & where I can. (I mean that only in the "rightest" way)  But, it was nice and once again I feel blessed for the people in my life that care. Chris came over tonight.  He came to pick Adam up and go to the fair.  He also went through Scott's clothes.  Most of them were too small but he and Adam split up a few that fit.  Adam would not go in the room so I had to bring them out to him.  It was hard watching Chris go through things and me going through the drawers.  I cried.  A lot!  I guess, now, I will pack the rest in my clear plastic containers.  There are a few items of clothing I can't even consider giving away right now....not even to my other children.  They are just soooo Scott.  He had his own style.  One of his favorite shirts has an undershirt hung with it.  I am sure he wore it for a while and then hung it back up....both shirts...just as he wore it.  Another, long sleeve, still had one sleeve rolled up.  He probably wore that for a little bit, too, before he hung it back up.  He changed clothes more than anyone I ever knew!!!!!  If his socks got the tiniest bet wet, by a drip on the floor, he had to have clean socks.  I used to tease him about it.  He was such a perfectionist in how he looked, dressed, and smelled.  I was always glad for that even if it was a little obsessive.  At the same time, it makes me now sad.  I know he would've been mortified that one of his friends, an EMT, was the 1st to arrive at our house and see him the way he was. On the other hand, that cleanliness was so much my Scott that I do laugh a bit when I think of it. He was always that way!  I, sadly, have much less laundry, now. Adam is staying with Chris tonight.  I have to be in Springfield tomorrow, for counseling, so I will just pick Adam up after that.  Hopefully it will be good for Adam and Chris to hang out.  It is kind of ironic...Chris has a VERY high IQ.  Adam has some learning difficulties.  And yet, they are two peas in a pod.  So much alike.  I have always had to "come in through the back door" to relate to each of them.  Scott was the totally common sense, average Joe....the easiet to relate to.  I guess that is one of the reasons he was so much fun.  He wasn't complicated.  Mind you, I am not complaining about the other two.  They are also a lot of fun.  It is just with Scott I didn't have to think too much one way or the other.  When you were with Scott, you just were.  Craig went back to work today.  I was sad for him 'cause he really wasn't ready.  For me, however, I was ready.  I like my space and every time I turned around there he was.  After he got off work we got in the pool.  It was nice.  He got rid of the HOT (he works outside) and some tension.  I just got rid of some tension.  I will miss my pool when the weather changes! I went to the bank today...HEADS UP...I received, by UPS, a check for $2550.00.  That is all there was in the envelope.  I took it to the bank to verify and that account had been closed since 2005.  It is another scam. I suspected it was.  It happened because, through email, I signed up for Secret Shopper.  Now I know Secret Shopper is a legit thing 'cause my Mom did it for a while.  But not this one.  If you receive an offer by email.....DO NOT ACCEPT!  I have turned the check and envelope over to the bank along with the emails I rec'd.  Hopefully they will nip this fraudulent criminal in the bud!  Peaceful wishes to me and YOU!