a little over it

i'm thinking about how I sometimes want beautiful things in my life, and

money too, to buy beautiful things and practical things.

I find myself confused over this, my seeking out beauty and then neglecting to think

about - or committing to - the practical part of getting those things.

It's like coming up against a wall that shuts me down.

So I am thinking about beauty and the practical - the good stuff and the muscle to get it.

That's one way of looking at it - this struggle that I experience with this I think is maybe a place for me to find commonality too.

I am thinking about others - and their experience -  and I am thinking about myself - a state of mind

that can divorce me from that reality (others' experience) at times - I know there are a lot of different

angles to think on things - I don't or can't always cover all the bases or perspectives that exist

when thinking about things..I don't know why I am having such a head trip tonight.

Maybe all this thinking is a way for me to deal with the unknown - the potential for failure and pain

and the action of creation - the need for reassurance too - the spirit of being resilient, which I sorely need....

maybe Jerry Seinfeld was right about his assessment "there is no 'writers' block' - there is maybe laziness

or fear but it's real important to accept that maybe you're a mediocre writer and have to commit yourself to

working really hard at making your writing good." :)

But my take is here, I'll focus on the goal, on this journal - that I'd like nice things -

and being here at the monastery has helped me uncover that reality within me.

I knew it before but the concentrated time and devotion to this mentalizing of stuff while here at the monastery - has made

me see the addiction quality of it - the paralyzing quality of it too - of all that mentalizing -  and now I am able to keep grounded but also push forward and focus

on the projects that I want to manifest....in theory :). Again I need to be resilient at any kind of set back.

.I like the monastery - and it really is like

living a dream life here. "UP and AT 'EM" every day- doing the same things - taking care of my end of taking care

of the group - time enough to think -

and liberty to do some things I like to do too. Like go to the pub which I did today. Tomorrow I get a haircut

and a beard trim. I get to spend a good deal of time pampering Blue who I love dearly - and it's exactly what I would

hope to do as his Cat Dad. And the thinking about things and interacting

with other monastics has helped me mature in my sense and understanding of adult relationships, the diversity and humanity - which are

a lot like the dynamics, at least here where I am, like living in a corporate environment. Team work, individuals who don't always

get along - and all working toward a common goal. In theory it's really nice. I don't always feel that way - but I am starting

to realize that my outlook on imagining what I could be doing, should really be based on what I've learned from this experience

and also on what I enjoy doing and not just the end goal

of making money - but maybe for both- in truth...You can't have fun all the time but it's for sure important to me to remember

that the bad times will pass - when they start to happen and the good times will pass when they happen too.

I feel like half a person - empty empty empty  - until I am activated by my friends family and those I am responsible to. 

Time for humility and acceptance...keep on keeping on :). !!Come back at the goal after the set back!!!