A Little Sad
I know I have been in such a strange place lately. Just in between, I guess. Growing, learning and letting a lot go while I start reaching for something different. I wrote the other day that things aren't good or bad, they just are. And I think sometimes that is just what it is. When you are more accepting and solid in where you are and who you are, you start seeing things differently, people differently, situations differently than before. It has made me a little sad, but it hasn't been exactly heartbreaking like I thought such a thing would be either. It just is.
As I have been learning and growing, and enforcing my boundaries more, I recently told my cousin that I just couldn't help her. She wanted a loan for a couple of weeks. I had the money at the time, but just did not feel I could risk that much not being paid back. What happened was a bit expected. Instead of texting multiple times per day, as usual, she did not text or call me at all. I figured she was upset that I said no. She did text me that her son had a moped accident and was on the way to the ER. I told her to keep me updated and checked in on her later to see if he was okay. He has a broken arm and a slight concussion. That is the last I've heard.
I guess a part of me has always thought that she wasn't all that responsible with her money, but always gave her the benefit of the doubt, and knew she had been through so much and was still struggling with so much of it. I think until you enforce the boundary, sometimes, you don't really see clearly. Over the past couple of days, I have watched her FB status updates. One comment from her said, "the next time, instead of buying my son a moped, I'll buy him a bubble". And then today, "I sold my old furniture and I am shopping for a nice, new sectional".
It struck me that I will not make it much longer without selling some of the items sitting dormant at the store, teaching a whole lot of dance classes or getting a night time job soon. Then I started adding up all the help I've given my cousin just THIS year....and it's a lot. Maybe even enough for me to make it if I were to be really careful. I am sure she is justified in her purchases. I am sure she saves gas with her son driving the moped to and from school. I am sure that she made enough on her furniture to buy new. But what she owes me from before? What she owes me from the recent help? I have to look in the mirror and ask about my own justification? I will once again struggle from helping someone instead of myself and my own kids. Because she is like a sister. Because we have gone through hell. Because she is my last "girlfriend". Many becauses...but they are all mine, not hers to bear.
I'm a little sad to see this picture of my cousin so clearly. I am also a little glad to see myself in this, and that I did say no, that I did stop. A little too late, and the kids and I will suffer for it for a bit, but in the long run, maybe worth it to see in myself what has been and what can be now that I've taken such a good look in the mirror.
I'm a little sad tonight that my kids will pay the price along my journey of discovery, yet again, and the next few weeks and months will be hard once again, on such a tight budget. My hope this night is that with each discovery I make, I am able to share with my children so that their path is a little bit more clear. It is not all good. It is not all bad. It just is. And I am okay with that, maybe for the first time in my life, I am okay with that.
InshalAllah, tomorrow, I post my ad for my new dance classes and for items to sell. Tomorrow, I move forward once again with new insight, strength and purpose.
As I have been learning and growing, and enforcing my boundaries more, I recently told my cousin that I just couldn't help her. She wanted a loan for a couple of weeks. I had the money at the time, but just did not feel I could risk that much not being paid back. What happened was a bit expected. Instead of texting multiple times per day, as usual, she did not text or call me at all. I figured she was upset that I said no. She did text me that her son had a moped accident and was on the way to the ER. I told her to keep me updated and checked in on her later to see if he was okay. He has a broken arm and a slight concussion. That is the last I've heard.
I guess a part of me has always thought that she wasn't all that responsible with her money, but always gave her the benefit of the doubt, and knew she had been through so much and was still struggling with so much of it. I think until you enforce the boundary, sometimes, you don't really see clearly. Over the past couple of days, I have watched her FB status updates. One comment from her said, "the next time, instead of buying my son a moped, I'll buy him a bubble". And then today, "I sold my old furniture and I am shopping for a nice, new sectional".
It struck me that I will not make it much longer without selling some of the items sitting dormant at the store, teaching a whole lot of dance classes or getting a night time job soon. Then I started adding up all the help I've given my cousin just THIS year....and it's a lot. Maybe even enough for me to make it if I were to be really careful. I am sure she is justified in her purchases. I am sure she saves gas with her son driving the moped to and from school. I am sure that she made enough on her furniture to buy new. But what she owes me from before? What she owes me from the recent help? I have to look in the mirror and ask about my own justification? I will once again struggle from helping someone instead of myself and my own kids. Because she is like a sister. Because we have gone through hell. Because she is my last "girlfriend". Many becauses...but they are all mine, not hers to bear.
I'm a little sad to see this picture of my cousin so clearly. I am also a little glad to see myself in this, and that I did say no, that I did stop. A little too late, and the kids and I will suffer for it for a bit, but in the long run, maybe worth it to see in myself what has been and what can be now that I've taken such a good look in the mirror.
I'm a little sad tonight that my kids will pay the price along my journey of discovery, yet again, and the next few weeks and months will be hard once again, on such a tight budget. My hope this night is that with each discovery I make, I am able to share with my children so that their path is a little bit more clear. It is not all good. It is not all bad. It just is. And I am okay with that, maybe for the first time in my life, I am okay with that.
InshalAllah, tomorrow, I post my ad for my new dance classes and for items to sell. Tomorrow, I move forward once again with new insight, strength and purpose.
Replies