a life of will

my therapist said something to me yesterday that was very powerful.

She said many great scholars have tried living the monastic life and have struggled

with it.

In the outside world, we have a world where we exercise our will - and make choices

that we want.  In the monastic life, it's a life where we give up that privilege in exchange

for an orderly life. (Come to think of it, it's the same thing that's tried in fascist systems

like Nazi Germany - give up your freedom for a promised new life...but I digress.)

I am just dealing with the feelings of traversing a life of choice and a life of

service and monasticism here. 

This morning being in chapel was very nice - and I felt very snug - full of a positive outlook and of the joy of

being surrounded by compassion and joyfulness. Acceptance for imperfection but an ideal that gleamed once felt!

I don't have any assignments today so I decided to go to the Irish Pub in Westminster

to have a plate of fries and a beer. It felt strange to indulge my personal wants and tastes.

I persevered - 

I went, I enjoyed, walked around the neighborhood and got a diet pepsi from a bodega-like store

that smelled like urine. :(

I came home and reached out to friends and family to say hi and now I feel sustained

again in the personal world.... The feelings go both ways for both kinds of environments I suppose and it's about 'being alive!!'

I suppose - contrasting moments of desire and peace, of community and solitude.

Of having a set of pressures in one life versus the exchange of pressures of another...

I don't have answers yet but what I am reminded of is that when I worked at a corporation

or wherever I have really - 

there's an adult orderly nature to work - the culture of the workplace I mean...

And clearly there's a culture here at the monastery too!

I suppose living a life of an independent entrepreneur involves very much

this kind of agony we face while pursuing a personal life but in a business scale rather than the chosen orderly life

of being a worker at a big business, and personal life has its structures and pressures as well...

The monastic, or marriage - single or partnered, kids... it's all a mix! :)

I am grateful!