A Life Before My Eyes That Isnt Mine

Another sleepless night, I sit and think too much, and then the paranoia sets in. Just, hearing things, seeing things, It all builds up, fills my mind until the stress is too much. It gets worse as I get tired. I get afraid of everything, and the fear keeps me up, and then the exhaustion makes it worse. Then I begin to hurt more and more from being so tired, all elements of a truly Viscous cycle. So yesterday it was raining when I woke up, but not just raining, freezing rain. It was only 22 degrees, and the sudden weather change left my left arm nearly useless due to pain. I fought to get out of bed, but did. I went into town with my sister, its nice to have someone in my life who treats me like a human being, not like some porcelain doll that must be carried carefully to avoid breaking. Just went into town, a trip to a few common stores. Seems easy enough, people do it mindlessly, annoyed by the repetition of such tasks. I love them, just for the chance to be out doing something. But I grow so jealous of people healthy enough to see these menial tasks as annoying. I wish I had a life, not simply to be alive. I saw someone who I've known since, well he knew me since I was a baby. I see him rarely, but as his usual self, yells from behind me before I have any chance of knowing whats going on.
                 "Hey! and why exactly are you using a cane?" As always he feels best yelling, it doesnt bug me, I envy how happy he always seems. I explained how I needed it since my spinal issues went from bad to horrible. He is 6'2, 26, married, has a child, gainfully employed, everything I wish I could be. After I give a very simple explanation of my spinal issues he quickly adds how he too has DDD in his lumbar. It is very slight for him, and he has everything I want. After declaring us the "spina bifida twins" He ran off again yelling at his next target. Its funny how such a slight difference renders me disabled, and him simply annoyed with back pain. I wonder, in a different life, If I'd have been more like that, and less like a reclusive hermit.

Replies

couggenny
couggenny

Hang in there! I know how limiting it is to not be able to do the stuff u used to be able to do. When I think about how I was at 26.... As for the night anxiety u might consider journaling, write what u are thinking, stream of consciousness.
deleted_user
deleted_user

It is so frustrating when things that used to be routine are now sometimes impossible. I try to focus on the things I can still do, but those things are decreasing and the pain is just relentless.