A letter to the hubby that started the new me

Please be a grownup about this.. and read this… Please don’t come in and start yelling at me.. it wont make it better… just take some time .. please.. I am asking u.. hell I am begging u heres the deal… Hell for at least 4 to 5 years, our life has been fucked up….Over this last couple years.. it has been worse…… the year before with all the shit u pulled with Jimmy/drinking/not coming home... and this last year... my lord... NOTHING seems to ever be getting better.. nothing is ever worked on.. nothing is ever fixed…. This last month and ½ has been fucking horrible/awful.. I am sick of living my life waiting for u to realize.. I am here....waiting for u.... sick of waiting for u to realize I deserve to get treated good… that I deserve more.  hell to just see me.. for who I am.. ... that our girls deserve a family that is healthy .. that love each other...  I cant freaking take the stress anymore.. I cant breathe when ur around..I know it sounds funny… butreally I cant.. its all I think about... I seriously can not even suck in a breath of air.. I am constantly on my tiptoes..  not wanting to piss u off.  I get anxious.. start having panic attacks.. .. I have lost weight.. I cant sleep.. Hell half the time I cant even think..  I don’t know what to do anymore.. I keep forgiving you and trying to forget things, that have happened, and things that u have said and did to me … The things that have happened… u forget they were even there..  Everything that ever happens.. I am just expected to get over.. and that’s part of the problem… I cant not get over some of this shit.. cause as soon  as I try to forget.. you do something else… or u do it to me again…  This last month and ½.. I have been not doing the normal…                   ur right… I am sick of not being able to do anything.. sick of the double standard thing u have going on.. I can never do anything.. fucking anything without getting blamed accused… fucking harassed forever about it..treated like SHIT forever about it..sick of the attitude I get .. sick of the mean ass shit u say to me.. sick of being put down, sick of u thinking I have 5 trillion guys on top of me all the damn time…. I mean fucking a  give me a god damn break already.. I have done nothing the damn 14 years we have been together to EVER make u think this way..sick of my friends and family telling me I don’t deserve itsick of hearing from u .. why the fuck do I tell anyone about it….that I am supposed to keep it to myself.  I mean Russ.... u have left fingerprint bruises on me..do u get that people have asked me about them?  that people have seen them? You are constantly breaking shit.. .. and in front of the girls... I am afraid of u.. afraid of u when u get like that Yah lately………….. I have been not home BECAUSE I cant stand it.. I cant stand ignoring shit anymore… everything is soo damn fake to me… I want friends.. I want to be able to do things…I want a life again…I don’t have any friends.. cause I have isolated myself from everyone, cause I am unhappy, and don’t want them asking questions.. and fucking plus……….. I am expected to freaking just not have any.. not do anything ever.. I want to feel again.. I want to feel what its like to be loved and treated with respect. I want to girls to grow up knowing… and expecting respect from whomever they ask it from.. I don’t want them to think that this shit is normal… I don’t want them to have to same relationship that we do.. I want them to be strong .. I want them to know its not ok to be treated like this.  that there is more to life than what we have.I dont know how many damn times I have told u that.. That I have told u I dont the want girls growing up the same way I did...  What the flying fuck would u do.. if I didn’t come home one night?  What the fuck would u do if I just kept pulling the shit u do to me ALL the damn time.. I mean SERIOUSLY  who gets to do the shit u  do and GET away with it?  U ask any one of ur friends... ask them if their wife would still be with them? Sick of u telling your  friends.. I am a bitch.. sick of the attitude I get when u are with ur friends…  I have been waiting and waiting for u to start talking to start acknowledging that something is wrong.. to admit.. TO talk like a adult.. but u wont..  How many times have I cried and u just don’t care.. How many times have I pleaded and begged u for things to change?How many times do I just forget?How many times can I be called a bitch/a slut , how many times do I have to hear how much everyone hates me, how fucked up my family is? You tell me over this last god damn year… WHAT fucking holiday was good? NONE… I can fucking name off every holiday… every piece of shit thing that happened… every thing that u put me through..  When is the last time.. u have asked about me… ?  when is the last time I sat down with you and u asked how or WHAT is going on in my life?  When is the last time I have asked u?  I cant even tell u the last time we sat and had a real conversation.. u have no clue … none.. about anything that is going on in my life or the girls life.. unless I tell you. When is the last time.. when I was crying upset.. u just came over and gave me a hug?Hell when is the last time.. you have said u were sorry to me?  Sorry for doing what u do to me… when is the last time I have wanted to go out with u?when is the last time I HAVE wanted to go WATCH u play?What do I want?  what do I want to do?  I dont fucking know.. thats all I have been asking myself.. over and over .....I think we need a time out.. we both need to breathe... to think.. to decideI think u need to figure out if u want a family or u want to be single... I cant deal with both anymore.  I need to figure out whether I can forgive... I need to figure out whether I want to try and trust you anymore... I am not saying.. that I havent said shit that I shouldnt have..I know I have... . but Russ.. come on?  I dont just make this shit up... I dont just start yelling for no reason... I dont make u do this stuff..I dont make u go out I dont make u drink I dont make u break shit.. I know I have been jealous before……. I know I am not innocent.  Ur right I have been getting stronger.. I am finally seeing what my friends and family have been saying to me really mean something, and I have started to see that I am worth it.. That I do deserve to be loved.. I dont want to be alone.. but I cant stand to live this way anymore... I am not me anymore.. I am not who I want to be.. I cant even look in the mirror anymore and see myself.. I see someone who is broken.. thats why my friends dont come around anymore.... thats why we dont go out with them, cause they cant stand to see me unhappy.. they cant stand some of the stuff u do to me... I know u think I am cheating... I am soooo fucking not.. I cannot do anything to make u believe that anymore.. and seriously not even gonna try.  I dont want anyone else... I dont want to go out and party... I just want time.  if u arent willing to do that.. then I guess u arent willing to fight for us.. and thats what I needed to know... I have been just taking alot of time thinking and thinking and trying to make myself strong enough to finally talk to you.  Try to get the nerve to finally do something… and stop waiting… I dont know how to make it "right" anymore.. I dont know how to "fix" things..... hell I am afraid to... afraid it will just go back to what it is now... I think we need a couple weeks away from each other… . to just try and figure out.. what we both want....what we both need...try to figure out where we go from here.. and try to figure out what we have left for each other ..Whether if u still love me, if u want to be with me...... whether its worth fixing... am I scared?  as fucking hell. I fucking sooo damn scared... how this is all gonna turn out I know u arent happy either.. i know that.... and I guess if u spend that whole time partying and drinking ..u telling everyone that I am being a bitch and feeling sorry for yourself.... . so be it.                .its ur choice...   if u spend it thinking about what u are losing and what u want from "us" and if u want this family... its ur choice... I am leaving it up to you... ur 34 years old... its time... you figure out what u want.. and need..I just know we both have alot of thinking to do... as for the girls... it would be nice if I could stay at home (in the house) with them.. so we dont upset them anymore than we already have.. u can see them whenever u want... have them ... I can stay at moms a couple nights.. if u want to be at home with them...   if u really refuse to leave for a couple weeks.. I can .... I will pack up the kids, some of their stuff…  and I can... I dont want to fight about this.. I dont want to argue anymore.. I know u have places u can stay....I know its ur house… but its also our kids..  See oh my god..  even the "thought" of this... the "thought" of me or you leaving.... my lord... makes me want to puke...But something needs to change.... something needs to give here... we both just need to step back and look at all of this...and decide whether we are worth fighting for.  I cant make u want it anymore… I cant change u.. I get that…  I am done with trying to make u.. I just want peace.. I want to feel ok again..