A Letter To Nick
Dear Fred:
Five months ago today in the very early morning hours a very brave and courageous man lost his battle with cancer and I lost my husband and soul mate. Today I would like to talk to Nick very much. As I cannot I will write to him now and pretend I am going to post it to England like I did so many times before we were married.
Dear Nick:
It is now 5 months since you had to leave me. I miss you every day and in a way that words cannot truly capture. Every since you had to leave I have not felt whole. I feel like everything inside of me has been ripped out. All that is left is an empty cavity surrounded by tons of raw nerve endings. I know you would not like me feeling his way. I know you would want me to be happy, productive and not angry with the doctors. I do try but sometimes it is just not possible. Just know that I love you. I forgive you fully for any and all past hurts or differences we had. If you still exist on another plain, I ask you to please forgive me for any hurt I may have given you during our life together. During he last four monhs we fought for your life, anything that may have been an issue between us simply vanished for me. All that mattered was your well being. I hope somehow you are well now and that your are happy. Now, let me update you on a few things happening here at home,
First off, if where ever you are you can still feel shock, get braced. I bought a brand new coffee pot!! This one even has a timer. I can start a pot of coffee and even have it to drink the same day I start it. Now, how is that for a step up??
I am keeping in touch with your family. Geoff & Dom are the ones I communicate the most with. I don't hear from Steve & Sue very often. Anita called me a few weeks ago. Geoff is having a very hard time with you having o leave. He really loved his "little brother" and misses you a lot.
I'm sure you are wondering how the kitties are (or, maybe you already know). All of them are basically doing okay. Jackson still gives Mardi a bad time. Java is still way over weight. She still looks like a round fuzzy barrel on toothpicks when she runs. Hairy is as sweet as every but he isn't as active. I think that's because I don't play with him enough. JP is really a big boy now. Dr Shoemaker (vet) was very impressed with him at exam and vaccination time. She even told him how handsome he is.
Now for the rose report. The yellow rose bush, however is dying out for some reason. The red rose bush is large enough to fill the entire raised bed you made. It was absolutely beautiful this year. It had a ton of roses and bloomed for a long time.
John and Tom are doing a great job trying to help me with things around the house and garden. John does thistle patrol, lawn sprinkler adjustments. Tom helps with a few repairs. He is also going to help me with your car. I am going to sell Wagner. It makes me sad to do it. We had some really great times wiht that car. However, I don't need 2 cars. Steve (from Dr. Hops Microbrew days) may give Wagner a new home. I thought you would like that since you know Steve and the two of you were friends.
I am getting the deck stained again and the front door on the house replaced. Also, I am going to see about getting an awning to provide shade on the deck. I am also going to redecorate our bedroom and your bathroom. Lahni is helping me with this. I think it will be good to do. I am hoping that some of the memories connected with all you went through will be softened by doing this.
This year I did not plant a veggie garden. Going in the back yard is very hard for me. I keep remembering the yard work, gardening, plum picking and "tree counts" we did together. Even though the memories are good memories it makes me miss you so much. So, instead of doing the veggie garden, I planted strawberries. They are really sweet! For their first year they have done quite well.
I have been unable to return to Texas Roadhouse or Marcellars yet. Going without you just seems not only wrong but very painful I have been trying new activities. Here are a few (Readers Digest Condensed version):
Friday Night is girl's night out with Kay, Colleen and her daughter Teresa. We meet for dinner at a different cafe each Friday then go usually to Colleen's for a wild time of Mexican Train Dominoes. I usually lose but it is pretty fun.
I went to a Ron White (redneck comedian) show at the Civic Auditorium with Lynn Alderson. I also went to The War Bonnet Roundup with Lynn & Sophie. I went to Thanksgiving Point (the gardens) and to the Best Friend's Animal Sanctuary with Kathy. The wild domino crew & I went to the big Indian Pow Wow at Fort Hall this year. Lynn A. & I went to Jackson Hole for a day trip. Kathy & I have gone to West Yellowstone and also to Jackson on day trips. Now, here is a huge shocker for you. I am going with Lorraine on Wednesday mornings over to one of the LDS churches. We work on the Humanitarian Project!! Believe it or not, I now know how to tie a quilt!! I knew that would amaze you!! Also, I have joined an on-line support group for widows & widowers. There is no local group I can find but I am making arrangements to talk with a couple different councilor type people to see if I can get some help with some of the emotions and anger that I feel.
And no, I am not angry with you. People keep asking me if I am or telling me that I will be. I don't understand them. Or, they don't understand the situation. You fought so hard to live. You were brave every step of the way. You are the bravest person I have met. You did nothing that would even come close to making me feel angry at you. What I feel for you is a deep everlasting love and the deepest respect and admiration. I told you several times while you were with me that you are the bravest person I have ever known. I still feel this way.
I miss you, Nick. I found a wall hanging to put by your picture and urn. It has a pretty little chickadee on it as we spent lots of fun time watching the birds in our yard. The words on it are: "You touched my heart, and changed my life forever." Yes, you did touch my hear & changed my life. Thank you for the years we were able to share. I love you ever so much.
Darlene
8/28/2011
Five months ago today in the very early morning hours a very brave and courageous man lost his battle with cancer and I lost my husband and soul mate. Today I would like to talk to Nick very much. As I cannot I will write to him now and pretend I am going to post it to England like I did so many times before we were married.
Dear Nick:
It is now 5 months since you had to leave me. I miss you every day and in a way that words cannot truly capture. Every since you had to leave I have not felt whole. I feel like everything inside of me has been ripped out. All that is left is an empty cavity surrounded by tons of raw nerve endings. I know you would not like me feeling his way. I know you would want me to be happy, productive and not angry with the doctors. I do try but sometimes it is just not possible. Just know that I love you. I forgive you fully for any and all past hurts or differences we had. If you still exist on another plain, I ask you to please forgive me for any hurt I may have given you during our life together. During he last four monhs we fought for your life, anything that may have been an issue between us simply vanished for me. All that mattered was your well being. I hope somehow you are well now and that your are happy. Now, let me update you on a few things happening here at home,
First off, if where ever you are you can still feel shock, get braced. I bought a brand new coffee pot!! This one even has a timer. I can start a pot of coffee and even have it to drink the same day I start it. Now, how is that for a step up??
I am keeping in touch with your family. Geoff & Dom are the ones I communicate the most with. I don't hear from Steve & Sue very often. Anita called me a few weeks ago. Geoff is having a very hard time with you having o leave. He really loved his "little brother" and misses you a lot.
I'm sure you are wondering how the kitties are (or, maybe you already know). All of them are basically doing okay. Jackson still gives Mardi a bad time. Java is still way over weight. She still looks like a round fuzzy barrel on toothpicks when she runs. Hairy is as sweet as every but he isn't as active. I think that's because I don't play with him enough. JP is really a big boy now. Dr Shoemaker (vet) was very impressed with him at exam and vaccination time. She even told him how handsome he is.
Now for the rose report. The yellow rose bush, however is dying out for some reason. The red rose bush is large enough to fill the entire raised bed you made. It was absolutely beautiful this year. It had a ton of roses and bloomed for a long time.
John and Tom are doing a great job trying to help me with things around the house and garden. John does thistle patrol, lawn sprinkler adjustments. Tom helps with a few repairs. He is also going to help me with your car. I am going to sell Wagner. It makes me sad to do it. We had some really great times wiht that car. However, I don't need 2 cars. Steve (from Dr. Hops Microbrew days) may give Wagner a new home. I thought you would like that since you know Steve and the two of you were friends.
I am getting the deck stained again and the front door on the house replaced. Also, I am going to see about getting an awning to provide shade on the deck. I am also going to redecorate our bedroom and your bathroom. Lahni is helping me with this. I think it will be good to do. I am hoping that some of the memories connected with all you went through will be softened by doing this.
This year I did not plant a veggie garden. Going in the back yard is very hard for me. I keep remembering the yard work, gardening, plum picking and "tree counts" we did together. Even though the memories are good memories it makes me miss you so much. So, instead of doing the veggie garden, I planted strawberries. They are really sweet! For their first year they have done quite well.
I have been unable to return to Texas Roadhouse or Marcellars yet. Going without you just seems not only wrong but very painful I have been trying new activities. Here are a few (Readers Digest Condensed version):
Friday Night is girl's night out with Kay, Colleen and her daughter Teresa. We meet for dinner at a different cafe each Friday then go usually to Colleen's for a wild time of Mexican Train Dominoes. I usually lose but it is pretty fun.
I went to a Ron White (redneck comedian) show at the Civic Auditorium with Lynn Alderson. I also went to The War Bonnet Roundup with Lynn & Sophie. I went to Thanksgiving Point (the gardens) and to the Best Friend's Animal Sanctuary with Kathy. The wild domino crew & I went to the big Indian Pow Wow at Fort Hall this year. Lynn A. & I went to Jackson Hole for a day trip. Kathy & I have gone to West Yellowstone and also to Jackson on day trips. Now, here is a huge shocker for you. I am going with Lorraine on Wednesday mornings over to one of the LDS churches. We work on the Humanitarian Project!! Believe it or not, I now know how to tie a quilt!! I knew that would amaze you!! Also, I have joined an on-line support group for widows & widowers. There is no local group I can find but I am making arrangements to talk with a couple different councilor type people to see if I can get some help with some of the emotions and anger that I feel.
And no, I am not angry with you. People keep asking me if I am or telling me that I will be. I don't understand them. Or, they don't understand the situation. You fought so hard to live. You were brave every step of the way. You are the bravest person I have met. You did nothing that would even come close to making me feel angry at you. What I feel for you is a deep everlasting love and the deepest respect and admiration. I told you several times while you were with me that you are the bravest person I have ever known. I still feel this way.
I miss you, Nick. I found a wall hanging to put by your picture and urn. It has a pretty little chickadee on it as we spent lots of fun time watching the birds in our yard. The words on it are: "You touched my heart, and changed my life forever." Yes, you did touch my hear & changed my life. Thank you for the years we were able to share. I love you ever so much.
Darlene
8/28/2011
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