a letter I wrote to my past Psychiatrist
hi Dr.,I am still at St. Nina's Monastery - and it
has been a very very structured yet very active life.
It's given me the ability to sort through my health better
and better - I feel a great foundation for dealing with my life and
relationships - I have symptoms of the illness - and scrambled egg brains -
but I can focus very well on the work here. Some of it I enjoy very much -
It has
been a kind of marriage - stressing the commitment
and the compromise and sacrifice of it.
They have made me not only into a 'great schema monk' (many months ago)
They have made me not only into a 'great schema monk' (many months ago)
but recently they have made me into a Hieromonk - which means I am a priest
as well.
They want me to conduct services and because of my variability -
I have had a hard time committing to this - feeling not confident and so on -
Today the whole prospect of taking on daily Divine Liturgy - which is
conducting services and serving communion - has made me dig deep
but also let go...When I have been in the middle of it- it has not been so difficult - but outside of it - I have really rattled my teeth about it -
- I think in becoming a man - I have had such a daunting view
of being a man as I should be - independent of my relationship with any other
man - my father or friends. I've let go of who I am supposed to be and have realized that no one
knows best how to be a man - but they all have to deal with the challenge -
I will be the person I know I am - it's hard to
express.
One parishioner today talked to me about her time learning to be a MD.
She said she was taught "One watch, one do, one teach" (meaning one example of what to do shown
once - and then you have to do it after that - and the next time you will have to teach it) - she said - she
only realized her competency when she actually did them -
you can't really know how to do these things until you are in the middle of them
doing it - she said -
We support a lot of people here - and it is very gratifying. I am not crazy
about the elder who is a nut job - but I can keep on keeping on -
It's been kind of a momentum that I have seen happening in front of my eyes
and have been
so freaked out about committing to it. But it's required me to diagnose
and heal within myself the fear of being an adult - childlike fears - and step into
a life that is outside of the support of other men including my Dad. Stepping up to the plate.
Things are good.
I truly hope you are safe in the fires - and that your 2025 will be good.
best wishes and thanks,
Mark
Replies
This is so positive sweetie and it's wonderful that 'doing' is helping you through the difficult moments
Big squishy hug my fellow nut...xo
Awesome!
Thanks you guys!!
I'm sure your former pdoc was pleased to get your update and learning about all the progress you've made. I've read a lot of "bipolar" memoirs, and I think your journey story would make a great one. I liked the MD's "One watch, one do, one teach."
The snow is finally melting in my neck of the woods and hope that you are able to get out and about, too. Enjoy your day!
Thanks Susan!
i seem to recall roman catholic clergy openly referring to their vows as a matrimonial commitment, all the way to the vows of celibacy.
or? ? ? am i remembering general gossip? pro'lly a mixture of the twixt and tweens/ for sure, ^it^ looks like a marriage to me, one i can respect.
for sure, you are wearing it well, father grasshopper. the fact that you are confused is naught more than proof you are paying attention.
give it your all, for better AND for worse.
Thanks Arfita!