a letter I wrote to my mom & dad about the abusive/alcoholic house I grew up in...

You know whats soo funny?  Is that I am called embarrassing.....I am a embarrassment for not showing up at a birthday party.. If people only knew.. What embarrassing is..   Do you really want to know what is embarrassing?   you wanna know hear what is  embarrassing to me?  You try explaining to my 4 and 6 year old why they never get to spend the night at your house, why their two cousins get to spend the night there and they don’t... ANSWER their question why grandma and grandpa ... thats from my kids.. I have to look them in the face and try to explain why... So you Explain it to ME>> Why MY kids arent special enough to ever spend the night?  Why my kids never get to do ANYTHING with grandma and grandpa?  Explain to ME>>> Why the last time my 4 year old and my 6 year spent the night at your house was 4 years ago... do you remember the last time?  Cause I do... Chaise was about 1 ½ month old.. And I was going somewhere for my birthday... and you have the right to tell me your embarrassed of ME>>> not going to grandpas birthday party?  YOU know how freaking embarrassed I am when people say “oh I bet your mom and dad have these girls all the time” and I say yah well no they don’t really watch my girls..  Whens the last time I asked you guys to watch the girls so me and russ could go out?  You remember?  I do.. Its was two ½ years ago.. At the Sheriff’s Office X Mas party and I remember feeling so bad about it, cause it was such a big deal to you guys to have to come over here after work on a Friday night to watch my girls   and I even left early because I felt soo damn guilty.. Plus you wouldnt even watch them at your house.. Yah I know its easier here.. But you know what every now and then they would LIKE to come to your house..  Ok heres one for you... YOU tell me.. If either one of you went the freaking 6 to 8 blocks to watch a 45 min dance class of Chaise this year?  Can either of you say you did?  You explain that to my 4 year old... who wonders why neither of you came to watch her..  I reminded You every time... every week... I reminded you of the class and what time it was.. But it never was important enough...  On how my kids were easily forgotten at daycare? When I KNOW I reminded you 5 or 6 times of the details.. But it still was made to be my fault.. And HOW embarrassed I was ... getting a phone call from my daycare.. That my kids werent picked up yet.. And getting there and seeing my kids faces.. Thinking I forgot about them.. Crying.. Because they thought I had forgotten them... Scared because it was dark and it was supper time.. And I wasnt there.. And they thought no one was coming to get them.  And how my sister tells me.. How you guys used to complain.. To her.. About how you have to watch my kids all of the time.. Telling her..  And It usually was 10 to 15 min at a time and usually because I had to run to the grocery store..  I was like what?  All the time?  Yep I guess thats me.. Did You ever wonder why I don’t ask you anymore? Or didnt you even notice?  Embarrassing.. Is knowing I will never measure up.. Embarrassing is knowing.. I married a alcoholic cause thats what is normal to me...EMBARRASSING  is growing up and knowing people could hear our family fighting 4 blocks away.. EMBARRASSING is seeing your brother punch holes in walls and getting away with it.. Because he could.. EMBARRASSING is knowing.. I would get yelled at every damn weekend.. After my brother left.. Because I was next in line.. I could never get it right.. I would try.. I was probably the best kid in my class because I was soo afraid.. Of what I would come home to at night.. Knowing I would never measure up to what I was expected to be.  Embarrassed is.. Never having anyone come to my volleyball games..Embarrassed is borrowing a prom dress from someone, so I wouldnt have to ask for money...   EMBARRASSING is running away from home 3 to 4 nights a week.. Because I was getting screamed at..its amazing what the mind seems to forget isnt it?  Well guess what.. I cant forget it.. I remember every moment.. Every second...  But yet again.. I covered it up.. Cause you know what I was EMBARRASSED..    EMBARRASSED is knowing that my dad and mom.. That You guys had every chance to change things..you both had a choice to change how Chad treated you and you both had a choice to change how me and my sister got treated..and seeing what we saw. .. EMBARRASSED is knowing that everything that happened is almost like it never happened.. Cause neither of you CHOOSE to remember how bad it really was.   EMBARRASSED is having my FRIENDS mom’s asking me about how I got treated.. EMBARRASSED is having them still remember still to this day.. And having them tell me.. That would have done anything to change it.. But back then   it wasnt really the way things were done..  And EMBARRASSED is when it was happening to me.. Is wishing I could be my friends.. Wishing I could have a diff life, a diff family... and wondering what is wrong with me.. Wondering Why I was never good enough the way I was .. And what I could to make myself better to make you happy..  And I just cant anymore.. I am sick of being let down.. I am sick of trusting in someone and yet again them walking all over me.. I am sick of the anxiety, that I get everytime I have to deal with family functions, and the freaking drama we have in this family.. I am sick of having to be ok.. With everyone hating each other, and covering up shit, and trying to act like I am ok.. Cause I am not..  You know what funny?  Is that I am not the perfect daughter,  I am not the  perfect, sister or wife or mom.. But I try my hardest to make people happy around me and .. To do everything I can to help them.. And to try to “fix” things You know whats embarrassing is trying to explain to my boyfriend ( now husband) why my mom just pushed me down the stairs... is trying to explain to him why I just got yelled at for no reason... Why I just got hit.. And to explain to him.. Why my nobody did anything.. Why this was ok to treat me this way..and why it was normal for me.. To think I deserved it, and that it was normal for families to act this way.  You guys may not know this.. But when you are married to a alcoholic.. And come from a family of alcoholics.. You get almost a 2nd sense of oncoming doom and oncoming drama.. The nights he wouldnt come home.. Till 1, 2 or 3.. I knew that day .. By 1200 pm.  (during the day) if it was gonna be a good night or bad night.. I could feel it in my heart.. It was like a heaviness around my heart.. And then the anxiety would begin...And you know whats soo damn funny.. Is that I felt soo alone....even though my mom and dad lived 1 ½ down the street.. I isolated myself from friends, my sister, my mom and dad and his family.. Because I was USED To covering things up.. To not let anyone know really how bad shit was.. .. Cause I knew what they would say.. The same ole bullshit.. The same ole story .. Every freaking time.. You guys don’t have a freaking clue what has or what is going on in my life, cause I cover it..  And then he would say the same ole story I would buy it.. Cause I wanted my kids to have a daddy ….I wanted a husband.. I wanted the fairytale..and I don’t want to be alone….And then the process would begin again and again and again.. Cause thats what I was used to .. Just cover it up Missy .. Put a smile on your face and no one will know.. ...  You know what ?  I knew.. And I can barely look myself in the face.. I knew.. My kids knew.. I know people knew.. I know they did.. But I covered it.. Because thats what I was taught.. and I act like everything is fine.. .make excuses…  And you say I am embarrass you.. Well if that is true I am sorry.. I am sorry for letting you down I am sorry for not giving you what YOU need.. Sorry I cant be what you want me to be.. Just remember you guys made me who I am today.. Good and bad..... You guys taught each of us diff things... each of us diff sides.. And thats why I am me.. And although I had a rough start I think I turned out pretty damn good.. And trying to get better.. Not for only me.. But for my kids..   I love you guys to death..I love you more than every breath I take.. And the thought of hurting you guys kills me....  But I wont allow to be treated like I am a embarrassment any more.. Cause you know what guys.. I like me.. I think I am pretty strong.. And I think I try my damndest to make you guys happy and I am sorry I made you sad.. I am sorry I made you angry.. I am sorry I am not what you want me to be.. But I am me.. And you are you..  And besides our faults, I love you...I will always and forever.. Faults and all. I love my sister and yes I love my brother..  But we can grow and we can get better.. We can change.. And this letter isnt meant to be a blame..  This letter isnt made to make you feel bad..  This letter is about me being able to stop covering and hiding and finally admitting.. And damn you know what it feels good.. I feel like 5 million pounds are off my shoulders...                   I know I am ok..   And I  know I am a good person..