a letter for you

All i wanted was to love you.  To have you love me back.  To live a nice family life and enjoy ourselves.  To work together and strive for the better.  To support one another through the good times and the bad.  I wanted to believe in you.  I wanted to believe you were a good man.
It is a pity and it hurts my heart that you are unable to see the goodness I offered you.  You only saw the mistakes I made, you never saw how much I tried to do for you.  You never appreciated me.  The way I would cook for you.  Make sure your clothes were clean and folded nicely.  How I waited for you and always looked forward to seeing you.  You never noticed how I would wait for you to come home in hopes of spending time together.  How much I always looked forward to your phone calls.  You never noticed how much I cared.  
You are so selfish, childish and emotionally retarded.  You were a damaged child and never strong enough to overcome that and I tried so hard to help you but you pushed me away.  I had a lot of questions for you.  Needed a lot of answers.  Had hope for you and for me but now I see what a sad life you have.  
You have always been alone as you say, but you weren't alone.  I was here.  You always said you had no one to support you, but again, you didn't see the love in front of your eyes.  
I tried so hard to show you.  I tried so hard to get you to realize, to help you, to support you in a transition you said you wanted.  
I want you to hurt like you hurt me but now I see you have always been the one to hurt.  You are incapable of loving anyone as you are just too scared to let anyone in and that is tragic.  You are the tragedy in all of this.  You always have been.  
I wish you could read this.  I wish you could understand.  I wish so many things for you.  You know you want the love, you want the support, but you are not willing to give what it takes to get it.  You are just willing to go about life and take whatever you can get and leave a path of destruction in your midst.  
You continue the cycle of abuse you experienced.  This tall, strong Native man who should set an example for the next generation, is one more wasted life.  You should not let history dictate the future, but you are too weak to do anything about it.  
In your heart I know you know and it is so very sad that you continue to live with blinders on instead of standing up and being the man you want to be.  You hide behind masks and every once in awhile you dare to let yourself show.  It is that man who showed himself to me that I loved.  That is the man I know you are deep down inside, but I also know now that you are the cause of your demise.  
One day you will wake up, when you are old and invalid.  You will look back and remember what you lost.  You may think of others, but I am sure, you will never forget me because I am truly unforgettable.  
I offered you the life you wanted and you pushed me away.  You will be the one to suffer that fate for the rest of your life as one day I will give that love to someone else.
You had my heart, my love, my body to be yours.  Faithfulness, kindness, forgiveness and all the physical beauty to go with it.  You may think that this is expendable, that I am replaceable, but I am not.  
I am unique.  I am the one and only Gizella. 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Wow this was great to read. Sounded like i could have wrote it. It is very sad when you think of it like that, they could never see our love, just our mistakes. I am so glad you are getting to a better place with this :) and you are right, you are unique and wonderful!!
gogogiz
gogogiz

thank you so much. i am happy to see that my words help not only myself but others as well. Welcome to my world of ups and downs :) feel free to read away and say all you want! sometimes, it just helps to read others stuff to help clear our minds of our own crazy stuff lol
deleted_user
deleted_user

This sounded familiar. I was married to an alcoholic. I did so much for him financially, physically, I gave 100% and he gave almost nothing. I will never live like that again.
Remember you put in your all, they are the failures.
gogogiz
gogogiz

thanks for the response Esther. The alcoholism is so painful. I think taht\'s the worst of it all...that\'s what hurts me the most for sure..having a drink being chosen over me..