A letter and stuff...
I received a letter from my brother in the mail. It outlined further his abuse and neglect as a child, what his life could have been like had my dad allowed aunts and uncles on that side of the family raise him, and how he could no longer live with making excuses for our parents lack of acceptance and behaviors.
He did say he knew their behavior was not my responsibility and how I should appreciate how my parents support my family financially, emotionally and spiritually since his family sure doesn't get that.
I attempted to write my brother back this morning. I talked some about my childhood, always being alone, and some of the unhealthy patterns of my life. I also talked about often being in the middle and feeling triangulated a lot. My parents told me a story about when my brother was in the hospital that went something like, "your brother just started yelling" and in his letter my brother told a story about them coming into his hospital room and "mom just started yelling".
I don't think either side is lying. I think they are just all that skewed in their perspectives of each other!! And I just can no longer be the peace keeper or diplomat in this.
Even though I don't agree with them, I can see that my parents genuinely feel that if they act any more accepting than they have, they risk burning in hell. I can understand why my brother and partner feel they can't subject themselves to not being fully accepted.
I don't fully agree with my brother's assessment of our childhood. There are things I see and recognize. Yes, our mother is a little unstable. Yes, she acted a bit crazed part of the time. Yes, our dad worked all the time and tends to completely ignore any issues that come up. And mainly what I talked to my brother about was the tit-for-tat in our family of origin. However, maybe due to my own experiences in life, or others' experiences that I've been close to, our parents did pretty damned well with what they had to work with!
Susy has talked some to me about the tit-for-tat and at first, I wasn't sure of this idea in our family. It was never about we will give you this if you give us that. It was in the more subtle, we will help you with this if you do just what's expected or we will help you if it's our idea to begin with!!
I had worked all around this idea, but it didn't really cement for me until my brother's letter and I thought about the help I receive from my parents. It is actually all for the grandkids. As an individual, that's a different story. It made me think of after my Arabic speech, them acting so proud, but it was more of a "whew, she's finally doing something with her life" kind of feeling. And well, here I thought I was something all along!! This part is definitely there with my parents.
What I tried to explain to my brother is that what I remember from childhood was going to his band concerts, going to Six Flags with his choir group, going to the Art Center for his drama performance. The only times I can remember from childhood not being alone revolved around him. But, really, I have never resented this. I've never felt bad about it. I've always liked doing my own thing. I was always just proud to have such a talented brother. However, it did bring it's unhealthy patterns in that being alone and in my fantasy world, I didn't learn real life skills, real communication or healthy boundaries. And there was the invisibility.
I also tried to explain that my ability to relate to my parents does come from understanding that their lives were a living hell. They both, but especially my mom, her family of origin is something they make horror movies out of. Does this justify anything? No, my brother is right, it doesn't make anything okay or right. For me, what it does, though, is give me the ability to understand that it wasn't me or him, it was my parents own personal (and abuse) issues....it gives me the ability to let it go and it not be directed at me personally. My mom did just what her mom did, she turned to God to fix everything she couldn't control. My dad did what his mom did and got quiet and ignored anything he couldn't control. It's not right, it's not right for them either, but they were 40 when they had me, they are over 70 now and developing early dementia. They have talked to me a lot about making mistakes, having regrets, and more about their childhoods than they ever dared talk about before, but at this point in their lives, they aren't going to have a sudden epiphany and try to correct unhealthy patterns! And I think as pageo has pointed out, it's no longer about that. Just like with the N, it's not about his pathology any longer, it's about me and what I was searching for and how I can give that to myself. It's about focusing within and fulfilling those needs ourselves. I'm still pondering my response letter, still processing a lot of it out. I still feel torn (as usual) between feeling my brother's bitterness and only looking at the bad from his childhood is a little overboard, my parents coming from hell and actually managing to provide as well as they did, wishing that they could accept my brother a bit more without the fear of fire and brimestone, and wishing that my brother could accept my parents faults a little bit more, too....and getting ready to throw my hands in the air for being in this position: just like the N said, the world over here revolves around me (yeah, that was his projection, but..) and me trying to explain it might, but it wasn't my choice or what I wanted!
Okay, off to get ready for one rainy date!!
He did say he knew their behavior was not my responsibility and how I should appreciate how my parents support my family financially, emotionally and spiritually since his family sure doesn't get that.
I attempted to write my brother back this morning. I talked some about my childhood, always being alone, and some of the unhealthy patterns of my life. I also talked about often being in the middle and feeling triangulated a lot. My parents told me a story about when my brother was in the hospital that went something like, "your brother just started yelling" and in his letter my brother told a story about them coming into his hospital room and "mom just started yelling".
I don't think either side is lying. I think they are just all that skewed in their perspectives of each other!! And I just can no longer be the peace keeper or diplomat in this.
Even though I don't agree with them, I can see that my parents genuinely feel that if they act any more accepting than they have, they risk burning in hell. I can understand why my brother and partner feel they can't subject themselves to not being fully accepted.
I don't fully agree with my brother's assessment of our childhood. There are things I see and recognize. Yes, our mother is a little unstable. Yes, she acted a bit crazed part of the time. Yes, our dad worked all the time and tends to completely ignore any issues that come up. And mainly what I talked to my brother about was the tit-for-tat in our family of origin. However, maybe due to my own experiences in life, or others' experiences that I've been close to, our parents did pretty damned well with what they had to work with!
Susy has talked some to me about the tit-for-tat and at first, I wasn't sure of this idea in our family. It was never about we will give you this if you give us that. It was in the more subtle, we will help you with this if you do just what's expected or we will help you if it's our idea to begin with!!
I had worked all around this idea, but it didn't really cement for me until my brother's letter and I thought about the help I receive from my parents. It is actually all for the grandkids. As an individual, that's a different story. It made me think of after my Arabic speech, them acting so proud, but it was more of a "whew, she's finally doing something with her life" kind of feeling. And well, here I thought I was something all along!! This part is definitely there with my parents.
What I tried to explain to my brother is that what I remember from childhood was going to his band concerts, going to Six Flags with his choir group, going to the Art Center for his drama performance. The only times I can remember from childhood not being alone revolved around him. But, really, I have never resented this. I've never felt bad about it. I've always liked doing my own thing. I was always just proud to have such a talented brother. However, it did bring it's unhealthy patterns in that being alone and in my fantasy world, I didn't learn real life skills, real communication or healthy boundaries. And there was the invisibility.
I also tried to explain that my ability to relate to my parents does come from understanding that their lives were a living hell. They both, but especially my mom, her family of origin is something they make horror movies out of. Does this justify anything? No, my brother is right, it doesn't make anything okay or right. For me, what it does, though, is give me the ability to understand that it wasn't me or him, it was my parents own personal (and abuse) issues....it gives me the ability to let it go and it not be directed at me personally. My mom did just what her mom did, she turned to God to fix everything she couldn't control. My dad did what his mom did and got quiet and ignored anything he couldn't control. It's not right, it's not right for them either, but they were 40 when they had me, they are over 70 now and developing early dementia. They have talked to me a lot about making mistakes, having regrets, and more about their childhoods than they ever dared talk about before, but at this point in their lives, they aren't going to have a sudden epiphany and try to correct unhealthy patterns! And I think as pageo has pointed out, it's no longer about that. Just like with the N, it's not about his pathology any longer, it's about me and what I was searching for and how I can give that to myself. It's about focusing within and fulfilling those needs ourselves. I'm still pondering my response letter, still processing a lot of it out. I still feel torn (as usual) between feeling my brother's bitterness and only looking at the bad from his childhood is a little overboard, my parents coming from hell and actually managing to provide as well as they did, wishing that they could accept my brother a bit more without the fear of fire and brimestone, and wishing that my brother could accept my parents faults a little bit more, too....and getting ready to throw my hands in the air for being in this position: just like the N said, the world over here revolves around me (yeah, that was his projection, but..) and me trying to explain it might, but it wasn't my choice or what I wanted!
Okay, off to get ready for one rainy date!!
Replies
Hi Raniagale.
It sounds like your brother needs to be pointed in the right direction so he can do the work he needs to do to help him graduate from the wounded child theme.
Your childhood experience and his experience are not each others. They are both dealt with in separate places. His experience and conditions are not your responsibility and really can not be nor should they be.
\"It was in the more subtle, we will help you with this if you do just what\'s expected or we will help you if it\'s our idea to begin with!! \"
The message here is that you will be rewarded for who we want you to be and not for who you really are. This is a huge statement. it stunts self development and differentiation / individualization. Something that parents are supposed to be doing for their children. It is one of their jobs.
Bottom line is when a child doesn\'t have healthy mirroring and healthy acceptance then the child is not healthy. We can blame... we can search for that acceptance through other people but when it is that deeply ingrained where proper development should have taken place there is a desparation to fix it.
The first way people try to fix it is to continue to go back to the same situation ... either back to the parents or to a narcissist who also says... you will almost be accepted, I will give off the illusion that some day you will be accepted if you dance to my beat. So the pattern lives on because original orientation is with the object that does not accept but rejects the real person.
People ignore , devalue the aspects of others that they can not accept which leads back to their parents. Again I may be over writing but if there is anything here useful that is the point.
Just as an aside and clearly a personal opinion, I would not get involved talking comparisons with your brother. No single experience can be compared.
Take Care :o)
Hope things go well for you and HUGS on the family problems ... people take time to come to the right conclusion--don\'t give up on your parents just yet! They\'re talking more which means they\'re still changing...and I know they\'re almost out of time but as long as they\'re alive they\'re growing :)
Your brother has a right to his feelings and trying to sugarcoat your parents for him probably won\'t help. He needs to settle this with them and no one else--and vice versa I\'m sure. Try to love both parties and be sympathetic...but changing their minds is not your job
My brother is gay and I\'m bi so I know how that is... my family traumatized both of us early and my brother still hasn\'t fully recovered. Thankfully it wasn\'t my parents as they\'re both dead anyway, but my older siblings are still problematic with their narrow-mindedness so its a battle :(
HUGS Hang in there!
oops I forgot something ... about the quote I selected.
Your brother is going in the wrong direction for help, assistance in deep self acceptance. It doesn\'t matter if your parents were on another planet... he needs to get the right kind of assistance to do the fixing.