a lasting mood, wish it were good

the mood of the last entry, lasted about 20 minutes. see-saw moods. up and down. i had a beer yesterday, it made me feel wierd. put me out of commission. then i binged and purged for hours. i couldn't let myself keep any food in. i can't look in the mirror. i am trying so hard to get better, and i just keep sabotaging myself. i need more help than i am getting. i need to go back to the hospital, but i can't take off of work. i need therapy. i can't afford it.all money hereby needs to be saved to fix this acne.i can't leave the house. i am so ashamed of how i look. in every way shape and form.i have no friends. i feel so alone.this is the only place i have contact with people other than co-workers, and i am avoiding them too. i just can't bear to see them staring at my ugly ugly face and ever growing body.