A Key
This is a copy of an e-mail I sent to a close friend this morning. I think it speaks to both my co-dependency and shyness concerns. I thought it may have value for my DS friends too.
Rich
Today's insights are two-fold, if not more. I am attending to a speculative insight that 1) an obsession for Approval-Seeking may actually be the motivation for my feelings of shyness; and a compulsion to act on my impulses may be based on the anxieties caused by that Approval-Seeking/Rejection-Avoiding threat. At this point of the interest in investigating this as being the deepest unconscious motivation for my fears and shyness, it feels accurate. It seems at the moment to tie all the strange impulses and urges I "normally" experience together. (My impulses to talk about every "new" moment-by-moment "discovery that comes to mind, may be based on that very sense of urgency as a way to allay my nervousness and anxiety created by the neuritic and irrational obsessiveness.) I'm speculating that it is the motivation behind my meglomania about getting a "very important and responsible" job or career as a way to appease the neurotic notion to please my approval-seeking addiction/obsession. My urge to please, to answer "any and all" questions correctly, would certainly suggest that the motivation is to satisfy the discomfort of some anxiety, and a strong one at that. It is an obsession because the behavior does not resolve the unconscious problem (It never will). My absolute avoidance and resistance to writing my resume' in order to promote myself I feel is directly related to the fear of approval-seeking/rejection motives. The obsession has become so terrifying that I avoid people and isolate myself when I'm not being midful and aware of the obsession/compulsion.
So..., that is what I will begin working on today: collecting data on myself and my feelings as to how and when I am uncousciously seeking approval. My mission is not to resist the motivation, but to carefully watch it to understand how and under what conditions it works to keep me in pain and suffering. Like in meditation, allow the thought to come up, with the feeling, then gently not act on them, and let the fear subside on it's own. Just watch and study it's behaviors. No "fixing" or avoiding; no resistance that will make it stronger. Just let it be. Allow the feeling, of fear and pain; that is the goal. To stop avoiding it. The pain is overstated. The imaginary pain threat is bigger than the reality of it. That's what I'm thinking, I noted yesterday that some of my sexual activities in the past centered around this pleasing and approval-seeking behavior, rather than pleasing myself. My motivation was to please my partner as a way to reward myself. Right now, in my job search, there is the same obsession to not look for what pleases and satisfies my needs, but how I "MUST" invalidate myself and leave my boundaries too flexible in order to be approval-seeking. As far as I can tell, this has been going on all my life. It may be time to change that habit/addiction of self-harm. I will see if this time I have gotten to the problem, and I will see if it can be changed with will-power and mindful awareness.
Blessings of basic goodnessto all my friends.
Rich
Today's insights are two-fold, if not more. I am attending to a speculative insight that 1) an obsession for Approval-Seeking may actually be the motivation for my feelings of shyness; and a compulsion to act on my impulses may be based on the anxieties caused by that Approval-Seeking/Rejection-Avoiding threat. At this point of the interest in investigating this as being the deepest unconscious motivation for my fears and shyness, it feels accurate. It seems at the moment to tie all the strange impulses and urges I "normally" experience together. (My impulses to talk about every "new" moment-by-moment "discovery that comes to mind, may be based on that very sense of urgency as a way to allay my nervousness and anxiety created by the neuritic and irrational obsessiveness.) I'm speculating that it is the motivation behind my meglomania about getting a "very important and responsible" job or career as a way to appease the neurotic notion to please my approval-seeking addiction/obsession. My urge to please, to answer "any and all" questions correctly, would certainly suggest that the motivation is to satisfy the discomfort of some anxiety, and a strong one at that. It is an obsession because the behavior does not resolve the unconscious problem (It never will). My absolute avoidance and resistance to writing my resume' in order to promote myself I feel is directly related to the fear of approval-seeking/rejection motives. The obsession has become so terrifying that I avoid people and isolate myself when I'm not being midful and aware of the obsession/compulsion.
So..., that is what I will begin working on today: collecting data on myself and my feelings as to how and when I am uncousciously seeking approval. My mission is not to resist the motivation, but to carefully watch it to understand how and under what conditions it works to keep me in pain and suffering. Like in meditation, allow the thought to come up, with the feeling, then gently not act on them, and let the fear subside on it's own. Just watch and study it's behaviors. No "fixing" or avoiding; no resistance that will make it stronger. Just let it be. Allow the feeling, of fear and pain; that is the goal. To stop avoiding it. The pain is overstated. The imaginary pain threat is bigger than the reality of it. That's what I'm thinking, I noted yesterday that some of my sexual activities in the past centered around this pleasing and approval-seeking behavior, rather than pleasing myself. My motivation was to please my partner as a way to reward myself. Right now, in my job search, there is the same obsession to not look for what pleases and satisfies my needs, but how I "MUST" invalidate myself and leave my boundaries too flexible in order to be approval-seeking. As far as I can tell, this has been going on all my life. It may be time to change that habit/addiction of self-harm. I will see if this time I have gotten to the problem, and I will see if it can be changed with will-power and mindful awareness.
Blessings of basic goodnessto all my friends.
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