A good weekend means confusion

Ugggg last week I was adament, I was moving on because I have to.  I was feeling strong and in control of my to-in and fro-ing.  But the last few days have been great.  My hubby hasn't said a mean word, he's getting stuff done around the house, he's had no outburst or anger bout.  We even went to the hardware store and nobody "annoyed him".  He suffers anxiety and panic attacks, cant stand to be around too many people, he's paranoid so thinks everyone is out to get him.  And he managed to stay pleasant the whole outing.  didn't even complain about my driving.
It was really nice and I went back to work on Monday feeling good.  Tired after a busy weekend but in a good mood, which makes a change from most Mondays.
I got home last night and he was still chipper.  I am still weary, I still watch what I say and do but its like wow, this is good.  I think I'd be kidding myself if I thought it was going to last.  But thats part of my problem, when times are good, I start to wonder what I was thinking in regards to getting him out my life. 
I've done a fair bit of reading, just finished Lundy Bancrofts book on controlling and angry men.  Great read.  Enlightening.  But during a good time, I cast doubt. 
thats the problem isn't it, I keep hoping he will change, that things will get better, that there wont be any more outburts and we can be normal.
And then of course theres the 'how can he survive without me', 'he has noone else','he had an abusive childhood so that explains how he is today'.......  All the guilt I bring on myself for what I might be doing to him by moving on.......
Never mind the things he has said to me and done to me, his controlling and initimidating actions and outburts.........  I still love him and care for him and I want to make life better for him.
If theres another outburst later on, well I guess I'll be writing to a different tune. 
 

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mfilas76
mfilas76

Remember - they can feel it too. They somehow have this sixth sense, and know when things are about to go awry, or when we want to leave. I sent my husband an email yesterday about how disappointed I was in him, and his behavior yesterday morning. Of course, he is all lovey dovey...and life is good. But, how long will it last....you can\'t keep living with the turmoil that it causes.