a good day
today i very proudly got everything I planned to do accomplished.
my mind started pushing me though (needling) once I started to tire.
it's as though at moments of fatigue the rascal inside me
starts to look at others and have machinations - or it looks
at myself and does it too - all nearly unconsciously - but the work
i do here on the site and with my doctor is bringing me to a higher cognition of it.
maybe in those moments it's like i need to fight - whatever that means - i have no idea
but tonight i pushed myself compulsively during silent meal to the idea of
needing to make more money for the monastery - i have so many dreams
or aspirations for this place- and so tonight that whole issue demanded front
and center stage within me while i ate - it just happened - and
it was like it invaded my core - 'i shouldn't just wish, i should do', i thought -
and with that I kind felt "what does it profit a man if he loses his ...'
because it indeed felt that way after I thought about it -
Abbess, when I was doing end of evening chores, asked me to sit
with her and talk while she had her evening meal - and she asked me
how I was doing? I gave her an honest though trying to filter the answer -
she was kind and she made me not feel alone with it - 'go for a walk, rest
be with Blue, drink water' it is such a blessing to not have the wretchedness I feel
when this happens - confirmed - but rather joyously debunked by a good friend.
'you are precious' she said 'you are not your illness, you are loved!'
today i have also seen the power of being independent
i evaluated and bought my dental insurance today and made
the purchase and then made an appointment at my new dentist
there's a sportive quality to it - the self sufficiency -
it's also given me the intro to having more insight and respect for people's feelings
thinking in terms of the job they are doing rather while talking to them -
such was the case while dealing with the insurance agent on the phone.
- maybe it's been a long day - maybe it's just my nature in that my mind is weak and can't sustain that
kind of mental health -
- i guess though - just evaluating what I have here and how I am doing - I really feel grateful for
the community I am finding -
i realize the difficulty folks have with breaking that boundary out of the immediacy and momentum of their lives
to that 'of feeling.' So community is a precious thing -
I know I have to stick with people who can value me - and talk to me when I am
not always strong and or sportive - and that comes in many ways and many forms.
Blue is my dear copilot.
Replies
"'You are precious' she said 'you are not your illness, you are loved!"
Indeed.
Have a great day, Mark!
Thanks Judy! Big hug!
Big hug back!
:-)
the Buddhist concept of "monkey mind" fits my case especially well. methinks i have a large troop of monkeys in my own head. i have wondered a time or fifty if my questioner theories are just a western transliteration of monkey mind. the mischief i can create from the blahs of my own yaddahs is more than a lone simian can create.
or? ? ? am i lost in metaphor again.
think i'll go seek grounding from that community which is awaiting my attention.
Thanks Arfie!! I’ve heard of that! I didn’t think to apply it!!