A Good Day

For an  hour tonight, my son has been telling me all about his Minecraft strategies.  We checked a book about it from the library.  He is excited about what he is reading.  I'm giving him my attention.

My son just turned 10 years old.  I was only a few months out of the military when I got the news that I was going to be a father.

I remember my head was in a very dark place.  It was like I had a dozen thoughts a minute, all conflicting with each other.

But when I heard the news I was going to be a dad, everything went silent.  I had new focus to get my life moving in the right direction.

There were so many ups and downs in these last 10 years.  Some days I was doing everything I could to stay grounded.  Some days, I drank way too much, trying to make my spinning world stop.

There isn't even a language for it -- the depression and anxiety -- the void.

I've had a lot of love and a lot of help.  Even if for the longest time, I could not recognize it.

I am glad to be sitting here next to my son.  He is telling me about skeletons and zombie pigmen and various worlds. 

For a long time it simply hurt too much.  The thought of being present seemed impossible.  But these days are slowly getting better.  I'm starting to heal.

My spouse who I am separating from... some days I think she deserves a medal.  I am not sure how she stood by me.  If she had left I would not have blamed her.  Maybe we were both dealing with a lot and in constant survival mode.  She said that the kids need a father, that you don't leave someone alone who was in my position.  Deep beneath the accumulated hurt, there is still a lot of care.

This morning, I went for a run.  It went so slow, nothing like what I am used to.  I used to go for miles.  I have to be patient with myself, getting my body back to health.

There is one thing of which I have grown absolutely sure about.

Things happen exactly when they need to happen.

This moment -- even sitting here writing this -- could not have transpired this point one year ago.  There were a lot of moments of pain and growth and honesty that had to come first.  There were mistakes that somehow had to be made. 

This was the furthest thing from my mind.  I feel like there were a thousand babysteps, just to be honest with myself... let alone anyone else.

Things happen when they need to happen.

I am absolutely sure of that.