a good couple of days

here are some notes that have inspired me both yesterday and today.

I've already shared them elsewhere I just wanted to share them here.

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Just heard 'confession.' It’s the 5th or 6th time I have. Our issues are so much a like as people. Fear of making mistakes, reeling and obsessing over the mistakes we do make. Trying to perfect as a result. Sometimes not being able to appreciate others’ experiences aside from our own.

Really grateful for this---

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Today in service I was battling trying to keep awake and focused on the impending task and yet eventually I was falling asleep involuntarily . I tried to keep the focus with great effort and didn’t let go or want to let go. I realized though at a moment of pain and sense of damage that I was being extreme, this is what I was doing I thought to myself . I realized my sense of urgency was extreme. I saw how it was a reaction in response to how I normally am naturally, very calm and quiet, meek. To be in the melee with the world and feel good about myself I have gone to the extreme I thought. I was being extreme at that moment . I thought of C and how she is naturally, very kind and giving and generous. I’ve seen it and experienced it. Totally selfless and sadly low esteem. I know she made a decision at some point in her life that she had to take care of herself in life and I see now so have I, albeit a little unconsciously about what it meant. At that moment of relating and understanding I felt connection and compassion and understanding for her and myself too. And slowly I’ve given up to the group now but I’ve an understanding of myself as well. It’s a dichotomy (these two sides social and personal) that was not always available to me mentally. I realize it’s very much an aspect to this whole notion of perfecting in the face of mistakes and making them. 
Anyways, the day has promise! I’ll go for it! :)
just got a haircut and a beard trim. I called my Dad on the way home. I told him about my thoughts - along the lines of the epiphany of seeing how I have reacted in extreme and yet now also as I drove i expressed the thought of how we're always being tested every day with every task and need to be
ready to be ‘on and responsible' and have to do that for ourselves - figure out how to keep responsible - with faith or something - along the lines of yesterday's epiphany - and not lose sense of the reason in the extremes thoughts or reactions and what I wrote above 
- and he totally agreed. We have to keep a sense of reality and what is or is not our responsibility. He's such a great guy - and I know wants to be absolutely perfect
for us - and I realized I have my own limits - and he has his -
I was able to see that today - in the midst of conversation - I saw the dynamic just as  we are 'ordinary people' - trying to communicate - dealing with 
each other's reality - - it's the stuff of regular life - HE IS A GREAT GUY - DO I struggle sometimes with things about him? ABSOLUTELY- 
I bet Ivanka Trump does with her Dad - and I know my therapist did with her mom - and I hear it in confessions- it's real life - for some reason I used to feel alien to it all -
after I talked to Dad - it was kind of clarified - 
He is a great guy -and the conversations can leave me feeling empty headed - but now I can reclaim my life - 
and again though I hear people struggle with that issue in confession a lot too i feel lucky and totally I understand he is a great guy!
it's weird though - when i parse out ideas - my sense of need accentuates -
when talking to Dad - I wished we could relate heart to heart - but there's a dynamic I have to 
accept - in a kind of power and need and upper hand -
I feel embarrassed that I am left wishing we could have connected better because we did connect very well but I also
know he is a great guy - and I need to look past my own need and experience to appreciate 
the bigger reality - I need to fill my own heart - and that I will do.

I realize that's maybe human nature and how a lot of folks are - trying to take the upperhand and in fact it's something I am humanly
a part of too. So it's all around us and is normal

Thanks for reading. My heart drives me to this sometimes

I struggle with myself and I go inward when alone. Got to keep on keeping on though my emotions are in ‘high tide’