A final word (kind of)

Before I have had problems with depression, cutting, and even suicide. And it seems that life trends to repeat its self, and by that I mean everything. I start listening to the same music that I did during that time, I feel the same, I start thinking the same, I want to drink, I want to do drugs, I want to bleed, and I want to just end everything. The biggest out of all of those is the bleeding and cutting, those are my heroin, I feel so good, so refreshed afterwards, but I can never justify it with myself afterwards, and I end up cutting more to deal with the mental anguish that I was cutting. I end up feeling like I am nothing, that I am worthless, and that I always will be because I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I've given that a lot of thought a lot of times, and I think I know what but its so hard to admit, I am afraid of going out on my own and making myself into something, because I was taught that that never happens, that I shouldn't aim high in my expectations. I was taught to aim low, to take what I could get and be happy with it, but I don't agree with that in any way. So when I decide to cower down and not go above and beyond, I cut to supplement it.
Imagine it like this, there is a limit that must be reached, and everything that I do contributes to that limit, good things, bad things and everything in between. Well when I don't go forth and aim high I have to make up the difference with pain, mental or physical, but all mental pain leads to physical.
So this has kind of been a final words letter, not that I'm leaving physically, but I am going into a darker place, and well I'll hopefully be back on the other side…